Pixie Dust

Trying Something New...

2012-01-30T17:45:00.003-06:00

Funny how something so simple can both thrill and terrify me. I'm so used to being treated in a very specific way by men, it's a shock when I'm regarded any differently. With this man, another first.....

A friend with benefits. The true benefit being actual friendship!

I think I may not hate this developement. ;D

Ever After

2012-01-25T15:47:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I'm surprised to find I still believe in happy endings. Perhaps not for me, but in general I do believe they exist. In a lot of ways believing in love is exactly like believing in God. I don't see it, but I feel it in the undercurrent of everything around me. Maybe if I can reach around my cynical intellect, I'll touch something substantial and true... I do know one thing for certain.... I will never settle for less than the real thing. I've seen too many people destroyed by illusions of "love".

2012-01-19T14:38:00.004-06:00

Happy Birthday to my HERO!

Breathing Again....

2012-01-19T14:20:00.004-06:00

I took some time away from here to blog elsewhere. Sometimes sharing here is like ice on an exposed nerve. I'm not very good at superficial emotion and I feel like if I can't share the real me I shouldn't share at all...

Brace yourself. I'm back now and running full throttle. So love me, hate me. For better or worse I'm here to stay.

GOD HELP US!

Things I Carry with Me from Dolly Songs: Part One

2011-04-14T17:43:00.000-05:00

"It's just one emotion after another. They will dress themselves as angels and thieves. They will make you believe you're in heaven, then they drag you through hell on your knees"

"Marching, marching, onward searching out the light of truth. I did not start the war, but it's a battle I can't lose"

"These northern nights are dreary, and my southern heart is weary. These smokey mountain memories keep me strong"

"Somehow my heart never grew up. No one ever burst my balloon. So here I am swirling in stardust slow dancing with the moon"

"I'll love you to sleep at night. Wake you with a kiss. Things that I can't do I swear you won't miss"

"Someday when I'm over you, and when I think I'm able to, I might try to be your friend again. But I don't want to see your face till then"

"When it's family, they're a mirror of the worst and best in you"

"I am like a crippled bird in hopes one day to fly again"

"When a flower grows wild it can always survive. Wild flowers don't care where they grow"

Highlights....

2011-04-05T11:31:00.007-05:00

I'm coming into my own this season. I've wanted pink & black hair for a long while and yesterday I got my wish. In this world I can control very little. I'm enjoying the things I do have a say in. :)

2011-03-17T11:21:00.001-05:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Here we are again...

2011-03-02T10:51:00.004-06:00

Dear Laur,

There isn't much to say to you that hasn't already been said. The farther I get from the day you left us, the harder it is to imagine a dialog between us. I love you, I hate you, I miss you... There are moments when I think of you and it is sharp. Like a deep breath of winter air in my lungs. It hurts. You hurt me. I guess I'll take that in stride like everything else.

So much has happened since you left. Huge life events that you should have been here for. Are you watching from where you are? I hope heaven keeps you busy so you don't have to watch us walking wounded. The truth is you were a bright spot in the fabric of our lives. All of our glowing moments are slightly dimmer with out you.

I've lost a lot of people from my short list. I miss them all of course. However, the loss of you is the hardest to swallow without question. It is so final, yet so unfinished. Your life is like a great manuscript that went uncompleted. Six years, and I'm still left to wonder "where would the story have gone from there?" and "how would it have ended?"

I realize that when I write to you, I'm really just pouring out my feelings. I think that's OK. I can lay my thoughts here and chip away at mountain of grief you have created in me. Maybe someone will read my letters to you and decide not to make the choice you made. Maybe they will see how every action we take in life and in death effects everyone around us. Six years and your decision is still having a profound impact on me.

I love you beautiful girl. I hate that you are gone. I miss having you to encourage me. Wish Uncle Dad a happy birthday for me. Kiss my Mom's forehead. Tell Jesus I'm grateful He loved me to death, and tell God I have a few questions for Him...

All my heart,

Mandy

Am I the Only One?

2011-03-01T11:47:00.003-06:00

Like petrified wood after a fire, I feel I've been left frozen in place. Silently screaming from somewhere deep inside. So many dead layers to peel away. At my core the heart keeps beating. I'm trying desperately to break free. This process is beyond painful. It seems whenever you deal with old wounds the sting intensifies. Loss shapes who we become for better or worse. I'd like to say that I'm a stronger, better person after all I've been through but that wouldn't be quite true. I can't help but wonder what my life would look like if my heart hadn't gone into protection mode. Would I be warm and affectionate? Would I love without caution? Would I trust in things unseen?

The truth is, we don't get a say in what life throws at us. All we can do is remain standing.

So I'll rest in the knowledge that I'm not done yet. I'm still here. I'm surviving. No matter what I've become, I am still full of purpose. I have to believe I can be useful just as I am. If God does His best work with damaged people, I look forward to the work He has for me...

The Lyrics in my Head

2011-02-15T12:06:00.003-06:00

'I've got a rough and tumble heart

well, it took a few falls till it got smart

but its still tender in the deepest part

this rough and tumble heart'

Wonderland

2011-02-03T12:22:00.004-06:00

I truly hate winter. I know I'm supposed to see the beauty in a frosty winter landscape, but for me it is all just a harsh reminder that I can so easily be trapped. The devil tried to whisper in my ear this week. He wanted me to fear. Silly devil, I have had a starring contest with you, and guess what? YOU BLINKED FIRST! I have nothing to fear because I am loved. The God of the universe is not done working in me. Through me... Who has time for ridiculous things like fear?

Today I am stuck in my house. The snow has all but locked me away here. Yet I am not alone. In an act of pure providence, Theresa has been shut in with me. Let the snow fall. Let the wind howl...

I am safe and happy.

2011-01-12T18:20:00.005-06:00

I absolutely love the works of Jackson Pollock. If you could look inside my soul, I think you'd see this kind of beautiful chaos. Everything in me that is dark, or ugly weaves it's way around something good and pure. In the end it forms one perfect piece of art that is breathtaking in it's complexity. This year I'm going to focus on seeing the art in me...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

2010-12-19T14:54:00.000-06:00

Sharp Truth...

2010-11-11T23:10:00.001-06:00

She can concentrate on working
Until her work is done
She can hold a conversation
As well as anyone
She'll fool you with sincerity
And if you didn't know her well
You could never see it
You could never tell

She's just looking for him
She's only remembering
She might look like she's ready to fall in love again
But she's just looking for him

She keeps one eye on the road
And one on the other lane
Looking for his car
His memories replay
She searches other faces
Trying to find that spark
But no one new can reach her
Or fill her hollow heart

Oh you better keep your distance
Don't let her reel you in
She's not quite herself now
How could she be when

She's just looking for him
She's only remembering
She might look like she's ready to fall in love again
But she's just looking for him

Wisdom From a Stranger...

2010-09-10T11:14:00.003-05:00

"If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy."

Happy Birthday DIVA STARBUCKS!

2010-07-26T11:50:00.002-05:00

5 years old and still the best decision I ever made... :)

Thirteen Years....

2010-07-02T13:34:00.001-05:00

It's hard to remember the girl I was then. Experiences like that can not help but alter a person. I used to feel safe and confident in my place in the universe. My role in day to day life made perfect sense. There's a line in a song that says "your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive". I think that describes the current me perfectly.
I've always known that my life is not like other people's. The funny thing though is that I never REALLY felt limited until that day. The day my Mother died taught me just how vulnerable I can be. I feel like I spend a lot of time now trying to build walls to protect myself.
I'm not hollow, or devoid of feelings. However, I am EXTREMELY cautious when revealing emotions to others. If you've seen me cry in the last decade, know that you are a treasured friend...
There are some things I've taken with me from the time before my life cracked. My love of all things Disney remains the same. My faith, though rattled, still holds me together. I may not have the sunshine bursting adoration of God that I had in my innocence, but He is still at the core of who I am. In a lot of ways I keep God, and my Mom in the same exact place. No matter where my life goes, or how many twists and turns I may make... They are both holding steady in the center of my heart.

Home

2010-06-01T09:59:00.001-05:00

When the world outside my door gets big and scary... When it all becomes impossible to manage. I take comfort in the constants. I snuggle up with Diva Starbucks and remember that I'm the whole world to someone.

30 Something....

2010-04-15T11:10:00.006-05:00

I'm turning 30 next week. I know some people get really stressed about leaving their 20's but not me. I'm feeling very comfortable with this transition. It's like my mind and my body are finally syncing up. So what do I want going forward? I only have one goal in mind. I want to know that my life is leaving ripples....
My Mother's life is still impacting people. God knows I'm nowhere near as remarkable as her, but I like to think that I'm leaving a distinct impression on the people around me.
I hope that I inspire people in some way. We're only given this one life. One chance to be useful in the role God cast us in. I may fail a hundred times a day, but I intend to get this one thing right. May I always be open to being used by the God who created me.

HAPPY EASTER!

2010-04-01T11:24:00.003-05:00

2010-03-17T21:55:00.000-05:00

2010-03-17T10:29:00.001-05:00

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Time After Time...

2010-03-02T14:52:00.003-06:00

Years roll on and the hole in my heart scabs over. It never quite heals, but it hurts less. It's not a scare. It is an open wound. A gaping space where some of my capacity for feeling used to be.

Sometimes I still can't believe you aren't here. I carry your memory close. Your laugh, your smile, and the feel of your hand holding mine. All of it stays fresh in my minds eye. I love you. I miss you. I wish I could have stopped you from launching our lives in this trajectory...

Love Means Never....

2010-02-11T14:49:00.002-06:00

Whoever first said "love means never saying you're sorry" should be beaten within an inch of their life. What a crock of shit! The statement is callous and cold, and downright insane. How can you love someone who apologetically hurts you? Who would sign on for this in the first place? The Bible says "love expects the best". That may be true, but life is teaching me to also plan for the worst. Love may be patient, and it may be kind, but only an idiot would let it be blind...

2010-01-19T18:55:00.002-06:00

Thanks to Tricia for this Fabulous gift!!! I'm not sure how I'm traditionally supposed to use a recipe box... but I adore it all the same! :D

2010-01-06T10:26:00.003-06:00

Dear Friend,

I remember when I was a child the sun rose and set on you. You were a super hero in my eyes. What has happened to those days? Perhaps some relationships just can't grow with us. As we mature, and develop we choose paths that carry us away from one another. That makes me sad. For as long as I live there will be cracks in my heart where you belong...

Yours,

Mandy

Devil Doggie... :)

2009-11-04T16:04:00.001-06:00

Witchy Lil Thing...

2009-10-30T12:09:00.003-05:00

I absolutely love these photos... Has there ever been a cuter puppy?!?!?

Happy Halloween!!!

Sneaky Goodness...

2009-08-18T20:47:00.003-05:00

Last week I broke into Phil and Elizabeth's apartment. ALL WEEK! As my wedding gift to the happy couple Tricia and I stole their house keys and cleaned their place. When they came home from the honeymoon they were greeted by the site and scent of a squeeky clean home...

Sometimes I just love dishing out the unexpected!

As You Wish...

2009-08-06T11:31:00.014-05:00

I took a quiz on Facebook.

"Which Princess Bride character are you?"

I am Miracle Max. I have to say I agree with this assessment. I'm not the lead romantic character. I'm not the one consumed with revenge. I'm not a simple minded giant with a heart of gold, and I'm not a scheming little fool. I am Miracle Max. I'm part of the fabric of the adventure. I'm vital to the story. I save the day and make you laugh. That's the perfect role for me. In the film, and in life.

This weekend Phil is marrying Elizabeth. The "theme" to their love story is The Princess Bride. It is so sweet and romantic that I would make fun of it if I didn't know how well this suited them. Phil is most definitely a Dread Pirate Roberts in life. He's an adventurer. He's quick witted and strong. He loves with all that he is. It's no wonder to me then that he found Elizabeth. His Princess Buttercup in every way. Watching them is like seeing two perfectly matched pieces coming together. It restores my view of love.

We very rarely get second chances at love in this world. Some of us don't really get first chances. It does my heart good to see what is possible. I am happy beyond words to see true love in action. I pray every day that their marriage is a good one. I don't pray for endless happiness and other unattainable things. I pray that they grow together, and change together. I pray that they appreciate each other. I hope they see every day with one another as a blessing and a privilege.

On Saturday I will witness this wedding. The business of two becoming one. I will be proud to be part of it all. It will be a celebration to remember and at the end of the day my Family will be bigger. What an awesome thing to look forward to!

Gravity...

2009-07-24T15:08:00.003-05:00

It seems to me that life never really allows you to forget your place. I have moments when I'm literally caught off guard by my reality. Did you know that I am disabled!?! I swear to God sometimes I forget. I occasionally need to remind myself that there are people in the world who do not live like I do.

For example:

Some people get out of bed whenever they feel like it

Some people use their bathtub as a place for solitude

Some woman get men who want them just for their bodies

Some people get to hug first

Some people can pee without a schedule

Some people can get in a car and go

Don't get me wrong! I love my life. I think I'm good at it. Yet I can't help but wonder what all that freedom feels like...

A Smile On My Face...

2009-07-13T19:37:00.003-05:00

Who could look at this and not feel that the world just got slightly better?

Welcome HOME!

Home...

2009-06-30T13:06:00.003-05:00

You never saw this place, but I think you would like it. I've often thought of you here. I picture coffee, laughter, and all night Disneyfests. I sometimes think you'd be pleased with who I've become. There is so much of you weaved through my identity. Every now and again I even see your facial expressions in the mirror. I hear your giggle hidden inside my own.
I miss you so much. The world hasn't created enough words to describe what's in my heart. It's far more complex than I can share here. Just know that I carry you in my heart. You are with me wherever I am. You are a part of my home. Your legacy lives on.

Your Little Pixie

Very Strange Weekend...

2009-05-17T15:15:00.002-05:00

At the fork in the road, I must choose left or right. I take a deep breath and I choose me...

Best Quote of the Week...

2009-05-15T12:31:00.001-05:00

"Oh my God... I would have totally brought you coffee if I new your ex was gay!"

Sunday...

2009-05-08T12:12:00.005-05:00

I am not a Mother. I do not have a Mother. Mother's Day is a painful day for me. If you've lost your Mother, and you have not created children of your own, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone else will just read this, and find me bitter. I can live with that.

What I do have is Diva Starbucks. My puppy love... My faithful friend and companion. Its a kind of Motherhood. This love I have for Diva is unconditional. From the moment I first held her I knew we were Family. She is my heart. She is my protector. She is a blanket heater on cold nights. Diva sticks up for me. She cares how I'm feeling. This little puppy is tuned in to me. I know I was meant to be Diva's Mom. So for every Puppy Mom out there today...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

29...

2009-04-23T15:14:00.006-05:00

This is exactly the way it should be. A great group of friends and a celebration. Flaming sugar free cupcakes too! :) I am seriously blessed...

Mr. Snuffelupagus...

2009-04-18T14:59:00.002-05:00

Happy 40th Birthday!

Make this year your best yet....

Jesus Christ...

2009-04-10T23:27:00.001-05:00

The only life that ever really made sense.

The only death that ever really made sense.

Thank you for loving us that much!

Thank You...

2009-03-31T09:52:00.003-05:00

I have witnessed true love this week.
I have seen how good it can be.
Thank you for showing me what is possible.
Thank you for getting it right.

I really needed to see it....

I wish you the very best!

Sigh...

2009-03-11T16:58:00.001-05:00

Get out of your head!!!!

It's dark in there and full of crap....

We're Here Again...

2009-03-02T17:02:00.002-06:00

Dear Laurie,

I still can't believe you aren't here. I close my eyes and I can still see your face. Your smile and your laugh are carried with me wherever I go... Always.

You would hardly recognize us now. We are all broken and rebuilt. Relationships have risen, and crumbled all in the time you've been gone. New children have been added to our mix. Life keeps rolling on yet you've missed so much!

I wish I could talk to you. I wish we could hold hands. I wish more than anything that you could take it all back.

I know that's not possible, so I'll try not to dwell on it. I'll see you again when my time is done here. Then maybe you can take a few thousand years to explain all this to me. Maybe we'll hold hands as we walk together... :)

I love you beautiful girl!

Mand

Someone sent me this today....

2009-02-11T15:36:00.003-06:00

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast.

You'll eventually lose someone you love.

Every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

A Blast From the Past...

2009-02-04T13:50:00.003-06:00

This week I've been reunited with an old friend. I haven't seen her in 10 years, but I know instinctively that we will be able to pick up where our friendship left off... In fact, I think it will be stronger now than ever before. We have so much in common now. Life has dealt us both a difficult hand. I'm thankful to know I'm not alone. This Fairy Princess thing can be a real bitch sometimes! I've reconnected with the one friend I've ever had who knows this first hand.

I haven't put much stock in God's master plan lately. It feels like He's mostly busy been busy knocking me down, or stealing away the things I love. Even so, I have to believe this new development has a purpose. I'll have to keep my eyes, ears, and heart open.

For now though... WELCOME BACK KIMBER (Kiwi to those in the know) !!!

Punched in the Heart...

2009-01-29T15:39:00.004-06:00

It is a rare thing indeed when you can read something in blogland that really connects with your soul. My Aunt Gail used an expression in her journal that has so accurately described my feelings, I've felt the breath knock out of me.

"Punched in the heart..."

Something so simple, and beautiful, and true.

They say that a soul goes through seasons. I am clearly experiencing a crisp winter myself. I'm tired. I am disillusioned. I am breaking. I wish I could play it all cool, and distant. I'd love to pretend that it's great. But, I've just never been wired that way. I am the one who calls a spade a spade. Right is still right, and wrong is still wrong. In some things there are no gray areas. I can not make truth any less honest for anyone.

This is painful.

This is bruising my heart...

WOW!

2008-11-16T12:53:00.003-06:00

I have to say this weekend has been truly excellent!

This Friday I did something I haven't done in 11 yrs. I went out to dinner, and a movie with my whole family! I never thought I'd live to see that happen... It made me feel a small tingle of genuine joy. I haven't felt it in a long while.

I also spent time with some of my favorite people Saturday night. I went to see BOLT in 3D. Super cute! Go see it if you need to smile.

Christmas is right around the corner. I'm not really ready for it. I'm hoping I can get passed the stress of gifting, and focus on the wonder of the season. After all, what can we ever buy that compares to the true Gift of the season?

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way Home Last Night

2008-08-17T13:44:00.002-05:00

Like any good story, I'll begin with this...

Well what had happened was...

Heidi, Marie, and I had gone to the Kenosha County fair. We had a fun time! We laughed, and played games. I even won a monkey! :)

Then around 11pm as Marie was returning me to my house, my car began making strange noises. We pulled over in Johnsburg and noticed that the car was smoking. NOT good!
So we called my dad to ask if we should stay put, or attempt to get me back home. As most of you know this van is the only vehicle available that can fit my wheelchair. Dad suggests that we cautiously head for my house and he would come over in the morning to fix it. Only problem is that as we get back in motion, the strange noises stop and now the battery light thingy in the dash is lit. Also, Marie is losing the ability to control the steering. YAY! We called my Dad again and he now says to try making it to his house. He will find some way to get me home...
We were plugging along to dad's place, and had made it to his street when the blinky engine danger noise started up. The van is over heating and as we parked in front of his house we were fully expecting the van would be blowing up soon. YIKES!

At this point, Marie and I have decided to walk home. The distance is really not too terrible, and it isn't much worse than the daily trek I used to have through the streets of Chicago. Only, in McHenry it is dark and there aren't really sidewalks. :D Don't worry though! My Dad gave us flashlights. Including one special light that I could wear on my HEAD! That's right folks, I had an actual headlight! I looked like one of the freaks from 16 CANDLES (i.e John Cusack)...
So as Marie and I are walking along River Rd, my father begins to follow us in his car to protect us from other cars. However, he starting yelling confusing instructions as to where he wanted us to walk. At one point he actually called me an asshole (I found this to be hysterical!). We parted ways with him on Miller Rd...
As we were walking, the craziness of our little adventure begins to settle in and Marie, and I get the giggles. Here I am like a jackass with the miners light strapped to my head. Walking home at midnight because my car almost blew up!

And then the police show up...

Apparently, someone reported as as "suspicious activity"! Two cop cars arrive on the scene to make sure we aren't terrorists or something... They make us wait for like 20 minutes, offer us no assistance, and finally send us on our way... Did I mention that while we were waiting with the police for their non-service I begin to laugh so hard I was crying? Marie was afraid they would think we were drunk. Its that laughter that only occurs in a mild crisis.... I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about...

The rest of our journey would have been considered smooth, as long as you leave out the part where my wheelchair started to die on Route 31... Poor Marie's little feet were killing her by the time we walked into my apartment. I've never been so happy to be home!

How was YOUR weekend?

Rescue Me...

2008-08-12T15:38:00.002-05:00

Today after nearly a decade of living alone... I had my very first run in with 911. For reasons unknown I fell down today. Thankfully my cell phone fell also. I was able to phone for help and now I'm back on track. It's an odd thing needing people. You don't always realize how odd until you are on the floor... Today I can honestly relate to the "help, I've fallen and I can't get up" lady!

Heidi Peszat

2008-08-08T15:26:00.002-05:00

I wish for great things

I wish you everything good and strong

I hold your sadness in my own heart

I smile at your independence

Welcome back to yourself

Welcome to courage

You are beautiful

You are brave

You are a Peszat again

I love you bigger than words. I can't wait to see where you go from here.

2008-07-02T17:32:00.000-05:00

This morning was okay... Aunt Karen and Steph both called to tell me they love me and that their thoughts were with me today. I really needed that. There's something about this terrible anniversary that forever ties me to Steph. That was the day we went from "cousins" to "SISTERS". Eleven years ago today, Steph held me together when my world broke apart. I'm only heartbroken to know that this year Steph had to learn the sting of that kind of lose. I wish I could have spared her that...

My Dad stopped by today. That's when today got lots worse. I can say that here because as he says "I don't want to read your blog. Who can stand all that stuff?"

I wish I remembered the me from back then. Something died inside of me then and there's just no getting it back.

Sorry this post isn't all motivational and moving. I just can't manage that today. I miss my Mother. I hate that I know her last moments. It stings to carry that. I can't pretend it doesn't.

The Song That Needs To Spill Out...

2008-07-02T15:07:00.002-05:00

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake

A smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I watched you die

I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry in the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you

Happy Birthday...

2008-06-20T12:16:00.002-05:00

Ten birthdays in heaven... Do they celebrate there? I hope you're having a wonderful afterlife. I can't believe how long it's been since I've seen your face. You know what hurts the most? A mother's love is unconditional. You were the one person who loved me no matter what. I don't have that now. I have an empty space where you used to be. I miss just talking to you. I miss kissing your forehead when you were tying my shoes...
Would you like me now? Would you be proud of who I've become? I hope you see a bit of you when you look at me. I'd like that.
I love you. I'm thankful for the 17 years that I knew you. I look forward to seeing you again one day.... Until then... HAPPY BIRTHDAY lovely!

Your Little Pixie,
Mandy

2008-06-20T12:15:00.000-05:00

Too Awesome for WORDS!!!!

2008-06-07T23:45:00.000-05:00

It is official... Benjamin Batey Fradin is a WALKING LITTLE MAN!!! Just in time for his birthday party, Ben decided to pull an extra miracle out of his hat! I am so IMPRESSED! He is Just the absolute definition of HOPE!

June 7th...

2008-06-07T14:14:00.003-05:00

Dear Laurie,

Today is your birthday and I can't believe you're missing it. You're missing a lot actually... Babies, Heartaches, and Weddings for example.Our Steph was married last week. She held out for true love for so long and you missed out on celebrating that with her. Could you see us from where you are? Its been so long since I've seen the dimensional you. I'm starting to see you in picture form in my mind. I always think of that last Sunday together. So many words said and none of them the right ones. If there was any thought in my head that within the following week I would lose you, I wonder what I might have done differently. I guess when you hug someone for the last time, that hug is burned into you. I can still feel you there against my heart... The other day I was listening to this song and it struck me in a new "laurie" way. It was never meant for our situation, and yet it rings true. So today I post these lyrics and this letter. Today I put down another small piece of the broken pain you left me. I love you Beautiful! I carry you in what's left of my heart.

Happy Birthday!

Mandy

"Who Knew"

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

One Week Ago Today...

2008-06-06T11:30:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday Denver!

2008-06-03T13:04:00.001-05:00

I can not believe how time flies...

Beautiful Girl!

2008-06-03T12:05:00.002-05:00

This picture makes me happy!This is my niece Maya wearing her birthday jewelery. I found this Hello Kitty set and new that she had to have it. The best part of this picture though is the jammies my little girlie girl is wearing. TINK! Yeah, she's definitely related... :)

Fabulous!

2008-05-31T08:36:00.002-05:00

My little sister is MARRIED! Yesterday I was honored to be a part of Steph & Andy's big day. I am so happy for these two! I'll post pictures later. For now I'd just like to wish the newlyweds well, and send them to St. Thomas with all of my love and best wishes!

2008-05-29T14:27:00.000-05:00

The grass is ORANGE. The sky is TEAL.

(See? I can do it too..)

The Summer of Movies!!!

2008-05-23T15:51:00.002-05:00

I can't speak for anyone else, but I am seriously excited for this season's film line up! Here are just a few I'm interested in:

Iron Man

Narnia (Prince Caspian)

Indiana Jones

Sex & the City

Wanted

The Incredible HULK

Batman

Kung Fu Panda

WALL-E

YAY! Thet the movie goodness begin!

The Nature of Blogland...

2008-05-20T11:22:00.004-05:00

It is my belief that blogging can bring out the best and the worst in people. It's because of the nameless, faceless nature of the thing. Sure, you see pictures and you know people in a general way... but here in blogland you can show any side of your self you choose. It's important to remember that you're only seeing what the writer is showing you. For example, If you know me from blogging you know these things:

I'm poetic

I'm broken

I'm a fighter

I love my dog

I love my family & friends

I aspire to bigger things

I've experienced great loss

I worship God and a good cup of coffee

I have an odd sense of humor

I struggle with depression

I'm in a wheelchair

I used to be fat

I value my privacy

I am a Diva

But that is only a small part of who I am. I am a survivor. I am brave. I am direct. I am unemployed. I am tired. I am occasionally heart broken. I am hopeful. I am so many things that stitch me together. I don't mind listing my "I am's" . When they are all strung together in a thread it's really quite beautiful. But I would genuinely hate it if you spent too long looking at just one element. Please remember that I am all those things.

There has been some hostility circulating in blogland these days. I'm honestly not sure what brought it on. But I'd like to say this in all honesty. Both of you are dear to me. I wouldn't wish pain on either of you. Please lay your anger to rest. It doesn't help anyone. All that we have is the present, and today things are looking up. When you blog again (which I hope you both do soon), I'd like to see more of yourselves in your writing. I know, and love you because of who you are. I look forward to you sharing that with the rest of the world. It's been so long since you've really shared your true selves.

I love you!

Mandy

Bachelorette.....

2008-05-18T13:08:00.002-05:00

This picture makes me smile... :)

I Freakin' LOVE This Picture! :)

2008-05-18T11:33:00.002-05:00

Thanks, Aunt Karen for the feathers...
DIVALICIOUS!

It's That Time Again...

2008-05-14T10:05:00.002-05:00

GoodNews! Today I met with my state case worker. I am officially still a Fairy Princess! We can all go back to our regularly scheduled lives...

Puppy Luv....

2008-05-13T13:26:00.003-05:00

This is my favorite picture of Diva and I. It's so very... US!

I especially like the matching hot pink and the t-shirt that says: REBEL (it only counts if you get caught). I think that sums us up pretty accurately. Me & Diva... Two peas in a pod.

She really is my "kid" you know... Her personality is perfectly suited to mine. Her love of coffee just proves she's being brought up right! Buying Diva Starbucks was the smartest thing I've ever done. This little crazy girl has been my friend and companion. I can't imagine my life without her.

I've decided to celebrate Puppy Mother's Day. I'm declaring May 13th from now on to be a holiday. I may never be a Mom in the traditional sense. Most of you already know I'm ok with that. Yet I am a Mom to somebody. She's got four legs, and she worships the ground I roll on. :) So Happy Puppy Mother's Day to all my animal adoring "parents"!

Sigh....

2008-05-11T16:49:00.002-05:00

There is nothing quite as sharp to the heart as Mother's Day without your Mother.... My Heart goes out to anyone who knows this particular ache...
As for the other "moms" in my life. The ladies who step in from time to time to fill that roll. I Love you. Thanks for all that you do!

Hello Dolly...

2008-05-10T14:42:00.002-05:00

Last night I went downtown to the Chicago Theatre to see Dolly Parton. What an AMAZING show! I have seen her perform many times. I even sang with her myself once... It never gets old. She always delivers. The energy and heart Dolly brings to every performance makes her one of the greats. I loved the show. I feel connected to my childhood whenever she sings. I refer to her as a link to my "past life". I've been a devoted fan since the days before my Mother died. I've loved her since before the floor dropped out of my universe.

Over the last decade or so I have hardened. My heart has grown a bit calloused. I've changed, and evolved as I've faced difficult challenges and soul crushing loss. I can't help it. It's a survival method. I'm still fun, and loving, but there is a rough edge to my personality. I am relieved to see that when I'm lost in music, my heart is young again. Dolly's music is like an old friend. Visiting my old friend last night was great for my soul!

My Boyfriend....

2008-05-09T10:30:00.002-05:00

Benjamin Batey Fradin is one year old today! I can't even tell you all how happy I am to say that out loud... There have been so many uphill battles in this little man's life. And yet here he is today. THRIVING! He simply blows my mind. Ben is a daily reminder for me that all things work together. My life has also been filled with uphill struggles, and God took the time to throw Mike, and Becca into my life. Way before Ben was a glimmer in their eyes, I knew that we were friends for a reason. And now my life experiences are serving as a touchstone for the Fradins. I'm so honored to know Ben. I'm lucky enough to call him Nephew... I can't wait to see where his journey takes him!

Happy Birthday Ben!

I Love you Oodles & Bunches!

Auntie Manders

HAMILTON

2008-04-27T14:02:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentleman,

I have an announcement. I have a new love in my life. I could not be happier! Hamilton just might be the love of my life...

Ok, he's actually my Hamilton Beach coffee brew station. But I'm totally in love! After Mr. Coffee and I broke up so long ago, I never thought I'd find love again. :)

Thank you Heidi for introducing us! I can't wait for the three of us to spend some time together...

2008-04-23T10:54:00.002-05:00

Dear Friends,

Thank you for remembering my BIRTHDAY! All of your warm wishes and loving words are stored away in my heart. I'm so blessed to have so many devoted people in my life. I know I'm going to make today special. I hope you do the same.

Love,

Mandy

2008-04-19T14:34:00.002-05:00

Dear friend,

Two words that make me giggle...

Oil Puppets

Enough said. Have a great weekend!

Mandy (aka.Elizabeth)

2008-04-18T16:08:00.001-05:00

Dear Friend,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

You don't look a day over 37...

Mandy

2008-04-16T14:44:00.003-05:00

Dear Friend,

I'm so glad I know you. My world is ever so much brighter with you in it. Please remember you are vital to my existance. If you lose your hope call me. I'll help you find it again. Please don't ever make me feel the way She did. I can't live through that a second time. If you start to fall call me. I'll catch you. I'll remind you of the bigger picture. I'll remind you of the hole in my heart if you aren't there. I want to be there for you. I want to form an army of the walking wounded. So we're broken. SO WHAT?!? At least we're holding on.

Love you as tall as my heart!

Mand

2008-04-11T09:58:00.003-05:00

Dear Friend,

Sometimes I'm not sure you like me. I know that you love me. We've been close for as long as I can remember. You knew me in my past life... Before pain, and death taught me to harden my heart. Do you like me now? I'm praying you do! Thank you for never giving up on me. I'm so glad to know that you will never let me go. Even when I'm hard, and cold, and evil. You see through all that and you stick around. That just blows my mind!

Mandy

2008-04-10T09:53:00.003-05:00

Dear Friend,

You inspire me. To see your smiling face was the highlight of my week. I can't wait to see your story unfold. You make me hope for the future. The life we live is not for everyone, but so far we're thriving. I love you, and I'll always be there for you.

Manders

2008-04-07T20:27:00.001-05:00

Dear Friend,

Today, I've got nothing deep or insightful. I love you. What could be more important than that?

Mandy

2008-04-04T15:41:00.002-05:00

Dear Friend,

You are so brave! I know how hard it is for you to make changes. It takes a lot of strength to start fresh. I'm proud of you. You are on your way. Don't look at this place you are in as a failure. You are losing something, but gaining so much more. You are chosing you, and that makes me glad. I love you!

Mandy

2008-04-03T18:04:00.004-05:00

Dear Friend,

You are the most beautiful person I've ever known! Mostly because you don't see it. I wish you could view yourself through my eyes. You would be amazed! Your smile warms my heart at it's absolute coldest. Your light can be seen for miles. You may never know how valued you are in my life. You've saved me on so many occasions, I've completely lost count. I know to you, you're a work in progress... but I wouldn't change a thing. You are perfect just as you are.

Love,

Mandy

2008-04-02T11:48:00.001-05:00

Dear Friend,

It feels like forever since I've seen your face. I miss you. I wish I felt closer to you. Life is spinning so fast, and I've misplaced my compass. Are you happy? Are things the way you thought they would be? We always said we could tell each other anything. What happened there? I love you so much it barely fits in my chest! Please don't stay away so long again...

Mandy

A Letter a Day...

2008-04-01T11:56:00.002-05:00

This April, I've decided to journal in a new way. I'm going to write a note once a day that is directed to someone specifically. A good way to begin pouring my heart out again...

EASTER...

2008-03-22T14:44:00.003-05:00

So I know that as a Christian I'm supposed to be jazzed about the holiday, but to be honest, I'm just not there. I'm so thankful for my salvation, but the motions of the season feel kinda hollow... Today I'm praying that Jesus catches me off guard in the next few days. I'd like to be surprised by joy...

2008-03-17T11:32:00.001-05:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

2008-03-17T10:36:00.000-05:00

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,and rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Joshua...

2008-03-14T08:12:00.002-05:00

Thanks to my friend Becca, I've been made aware of this Blog ... I'll begin by saying please pray for this family!

The strength and courage of this young couple simply overwhelms me. I have no words of comfort for them. Perhaps there really are none. My story is always one of survival and overcoming obstacles... None of my "stuff" applies to Joshua. He's two months old and he's dying. These past two months have been an unexpected miracle. These last few hours have been an unexpected miracle! His family has known from the get go that he would only be with them briefly. Yet, they chose to give him a dignified beginning and end. They have trusted that God has His hand in this matter. Joshua is not broken, or damaged. He's exactly as God intended.

Joshua's life has been so short, but I have to say that he is impacting my heart. Read through this beautifully documented journey. I know Joshua will impact you all as well.

Praying hard

Mandy

Back in the Saddle...

2008-03-06T14:11:00.002-06:00

Well, my chair is up and running after 10 days of craziness. WooHoo! Now if I can just get my knee healed I'll be all set...

This Week...

2008-03-05T14:31:00.002-06:00

Ever notice how things always come at you when you're most vulnerable? I knew this week was going to be difficult because of Laurie. I also felt for Steph because March 2 is her father's birthday. Talk about a double dose of OUCH!
What I didn't expect was the series of unfortunate events that lead me up to this emotional weekend...
Last Sunday my wheelchair died. In my effort to get help, I fell out of my chair and injured my knees. I've spent the whole week stuck in bed with ice packs and ace bandages on my legs. I need to setup an appointment for X-rays. My wheelchair repair group doesn't take my insurance, so I had to borrow $3,000.00 from my dad. Anyone who knows me at all, knows how much I hate needing his help...
Very few things can actually wound my spirit anymore. However, the devil seems to know exactly which buttons to push. Being weakened and "extra crippled" has really damaged my spirit. I feel like things are stacking up against me. It also reminds me of how much a person can actually indure.
For now I'm in retreat mode. Like resting and rebooting may be my best option. I'll talk to you all later...

The Song that is Holding Me Together...

2008-03-05T14:19:00.002-06:00

BROKEN

Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky

Then it starts to rain....

My defenses hit the ground, and they shatter all around

So open and exposed...

I found strength in the struggle

Face to face with my trouble

When you're broken in a million little pieces

And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore

Every tear falls down for a reason

Don't you stop believing in yourself

When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue I know what you're going through

Don't let it beat you up...

Hitting walls and getting scars only makes you who you are

Only makes you who you are...

No matter how much your heart is aching

There is beauty in the breaking

When you're broken in a million little pieces

And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore

Every tear falls down for a reason

Don't you stop believing in yourself

When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again

Every piece will find its place

When you're broken, when you're broken

When you're broken in a million little pieces

And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore

Every tear falls down for a reason

Don't you stop believing in yourself

When you're broken

Oh, when you're broken

Small Miracles...

2008-01-19T17:13:00.000-06:00

Today my nephew Ben stood up all by himself! Not such a big deal for most babies. However, Ben is no typical kid. Not so long ago, Ben's parents were told that he may never walk. He's been through more than his share of hard stuff already and he seems to defy all the odds. He's perfect! Not because he seems to get more "normal" every day. Normal is for cowards! Ben is perfect because he is exactly as he's meant to be.
If Ben never takes one step I won't be dissapointed. Lots of us get by fine without walking... It just looks more and more like Ben's potential is limitless. I want him to have every good experience, and a whole lot less of the crappy ones. He really deserves it!

Fresh Starts....

2007-10-23T12:20:00.000-05:00

It seems like all around me there are new beginnings brewing. People I love are getting married!Others I know are getting divorced... Where will the next year take us? So many things change in a blink. I find myself getting excited! I'm looking forward to change, and new beginnings. I feel like letting go of past baggage. I know spring is supposed to be the season for these feelings, but for me fall has always brought out my hopeful side.

Going Home...

2007-08-27T10:33:00.000-05:00

There was a great homecoming this weekend in heaven. As hard as it is to except loss, I'm comforted in knowing that my mom was there to greet my "Uncle Dad".

My thoughts and prayers go out to Aunt Karen, Joe, and Steph. Our earthly family just won't be the same without Uncle John.

DIVA STARBUCKS...

2007-07-26T13:05:00.001-05:00

Today is my baby's second birthday! It feels like I've had her forever...

That's What I'm Talkin' About!

2007-07-11T16:08:00.000-05:00

Today was another big first for me. Today I was a guest on am 1290 WMCS! Cassandra McShepard hosts an afternoon talk show called "That's What I'm Talkin' About" and today I had the opportunity to share my thoughts with her for about an hour. Too Fun!

How did this come about you ask?

Last week, while Heidi and I were in Milwaukee I made myself a new friend at the casino. After talking for a short while, I mentioned my public speaking and also my book that I am writing. It turns out that she is a producer of this radio talk show. I gave her my card so that we could keep in touch. The next thing I knew, she was calling me about participating in the show! So cool how things work out...

I had a great time, and with any luck I'll get a chance to dish again with Cassandra someday... For now, it was a great life experience!

Ten Years...

2007-07-02T16:52:00.000-05:00

It's pretty startling how much a person can experience in a decade. If you had told me on this day in 1997 that in just a few short minutes life as I knew it would disappear I would never have believed you. This past decade has shaped me in ways I can't even express. Some very good things have happened in this time. Some truly horrible things as well.... Nothing on earth prepares a person for the loss of a parent. In a moment everything can change. I often wonder if my Mother would be proud of who I've become. When she last saw me, I was a completely different person. Would she enjoy my personality? Would she be proud of my accomplishments? I like to imagine that she would. However, I'm certain I've let her down now and again. I'm hardened now. Some of my softness has crumbled away. Some wounds have left deep scars. I think the hardest thing about losing a mother is that they are the one person who loves you no matter what. You can't lose a mother's devotion. Even if you try. They love you in spite of your broken bits....

Dear Mom,

I love you bigger than words! I hope the fireworks are beautiful where you are. I look forward to the day when I can hug you again...

Love always,
Mandy

Birthdays!

2007-06-07T11:36:00.000-05:00

This week is full of birthdays. Denver, Laur, Kim... All in a neat little row. I love each of these people in such different ways.

I love watching Denver grow into who he's going to be. He's such a bright enthusiastic young man.

I love Laur in a sisterly, "love you just because" kind of way. Time and space doesn't change the fact that she's still shaping my world.

And then there's Kim.... I can't imagine my life without her. She's been my best friend since second grade. She's my refuge when the world gets crazy. She challenges me and builds into me. she loves me unconditionally.

I'm so blessed by all three of these wondrous people. What a week to celebrate!

The Art of Healing...

2007-06-06T12:53:00.000-05:00

It's funny to me how one simple act or choice can destroy years of hard earned relationship. Someone you have trusted with your heart for decades can turn against you in a moment. Nothing on earth hurts more than having your emotional security blanket yanked out from under you. These are the things that leave scares for life and in some cases, open wounds that never heal. People heal at different paces I suppose. I know I for one am still fully damaged by the course things have taken over the last few years. So many different forms of loss and hurt... I am less forgiving than some, and more forgiving than others. I'm trying to rebuild wherever possible. I'm not as open as I used to be. I protect my heart in a crusty shell I've built for it. I measure my words. I guard my thoughts. I am slow to love. Even slower to trust. Yet that is my journey. I would never for a moment tell someone else how to feel. It would be as useless as assuming we all grieve in the same way at the same time. How foolish! Who could ever heal like that?

The Continued Blessing...

2007-05-22T17:48:00.001-05:00

Two years ago today my sister and I were gifted with a fabulous Disney vacation. Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed or emotionally tapped, I think back to those days. That vacation was the ultimate experience in relaxation and healing for me. To the lovely couple who still wish to remain anonymous, thank you a million times over. I'm not sure I'd be here today if not for you.

Mandy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAYA!

2007-05-18T14:22:00.000-05:00

Best birthday wishes today for the sweetest big girl I know... Kisses and hugs for Maya on her day!

Love,
Aunt Mandy

2007-05-13T13:33:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day!

Benjamin Batey Fradin

2007-05-12T12:51:00.000-05:00

I have a new nephew! My sweet friends Mike & Becca have a beautiful new son. He's having quite a rough start to his journey, but I'm not worried. Speaking as someone who also had a rough beginning, I can honestly say he's perfect. He's exactly who God made him to be and he couldn't ask for a more remarkable family. Please pray for this little cutie as he tackles some pretty intense health issues.

Thanks!