25 Years And Counting...

Recently, I find my self reflecting on the days of my childhood. I love being an adult, but It's odd to think how far I've come. It may seem odd when I say this, but I never felt disabled growing up. My childhood was filled with love, laughter, and amazing support. In fact, my first exposure to the vulnerability of my situation came at the age of 17. My mother passed away suddenly, and for the first time ever, I was helpless. For anyone who knows me, you know how much a truly hate relinquishing control. As much as this whole experience damaged me, it also made me stronger. Knowing what you are made of really helps when heartbreak strikes. My closest friends have always been family. My cousins were more like sisters. We would spend full weeks together in the summer. We were the ones who knew every secret thing about each other. The best part about family like mine was that you always had someone to hold you when things turned ugly. We've been through more rough patches than most, but up until recently we've always relied on one another. My heart burns when I think about how distant that security feels now. We're in it each alone now it seems. We have to navigate our lives without safety nets. I pray we each survive. When I was younger I believed without question. God was seen in simple, childlike ways. I know several people who were disillusioned as they matured. It's as if the curtain was pulled back on their faith, revealing "the great and powerful oz" to be a mere little old man. This has not been the case with me. Yes, I went through a period of rebellion and doubt, but as I grew older, my connection to faith has strengthened. Each time I dig deeper, I unearth a new level of truth in Jesus. It's so much more than "Jesus Loves Me", and yet it's still just that simple. Jesus does love me. The Bible DOES tell me so! More importantly, He wants to know me. Life is short and painful, and amazing. Praise God for never asking us to do it alone! I could feel cheated, or wounded if I look back on what has changed over the last 25 years. Yet strangely enough, that's not how I see it. I miss my mom, but I'll see her again. I miss having a close relationship with my cousins, but at least I'm not alone. I still have a fantastic family. I'm just learning to rely less on others. But, most importantly, I'm relying on Him who strengthens me. I can't wait to see what He has in store next!

Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit of Happiness...

This time off has been so valuable. I'm sleeping better than I have in months. I'm getting my spirit realigned for this new year. Diva and I are enjoying each other's company. Praise God for His timing. I'm going a little stir crazy being locked up in my house, but it's been good for me too. Steph stopped by this week, and it was great to really talk to someone. Possibility seems to be hanging in the air right now.... I can't wait to see where this year takes me. I feel like 2005 was the year of tragedy and broken hearts. I'm praying that we can all rebuild this year. So much energy has gone into grief recently... I'm vowing to work my way out of that this year. I owe it to my self to find joy. I hope you can all do the same.

A Brief Pause...

I started my medical leave today. For the next few weeks I'll be home resting, and visiting my doctors. While I'm home, I'll also be fixing my van from the accident. It should be a good time for me over all. I'm starting this year with a much needed rest. I so need to slow down and get myself together. Pray for me all. Pray for health, wellness and strength in the new year. I'll keep you posted, but for now I'm going to go hang out with my Diva girl.

God Bless,

Mandy

New Year, New beginning...

Speaking only for myself, I am seriously ready for a new year. This year has brought many wonderful things (Disney World, Reece, Diva) but on the whole it's been pure crap. My family has bookeneded this year in heartbreak and tragedy. I'm done. I'm tired of the whole thing.
Laurie once said that people will always fail you, but God never does. I believed that then, and I believe that now. I just wish I had known at the time that it was true of all people. In this year alone, Laurie has done more damage to my major relationships, than all the heartaches of my 25 years combined...
The worst part though, is that the part that went spiraling downhill hasn't quite repaired itself yet. The ripple effect of hurt keeps moving along. I could handle that, if it were not for the pain I see in the eyes of my niece and nephews. Every day we all lose a chunk of our innocence. The sparkle dims a bit and we learn to "handle" one more "thing". My heart burns for my family. I wish I could freeze time and bubble wrap the broken bits.
I can't fix it though. I have no power here. So, instead I'll do the only thing that matters. I will choose to daily consult the Maker of All Things. If He can form the heavens and the earth, surely He can look after one small suburban family. I am praying for small miracles.

I pray that in 2006 He:

settles the heart of the restless

heals the womb of the childless

brings a smile to the face of the children

heals the illness within us

gives us all a renewed sense of security

lifts the burden of grief from our shoulders

brings peace and joy to our world

I'm so tired of running in circles. This New Year I vow to stop. We only get one turn around on this great ride called life. Lets not squander it. Let's all try to remember that every moment is truly a gift!

Happy New Year!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Marie!

I hope this year is full of all the wonderful things that God has for you. I love you BUNCHES, and I'm so glad that you are my family!

Love,
Mandy

Christmas Reminder Part 3

I knew as this season approached, that finding the joy of Christmas would be a challenge this year. So many heartaches...Too many changes. Most of the people dear to me have been walking wounded for months. And it's not just Laurie's death... Although it's a HUGE part of it all.

I have friends who are lonely and praying to find the love of their lives. They struggle between what is available, and what God has in store for them. The holidays seem to bring the emptiness into sharp relief. I pray they have patience, and an open heart.

Illness has attacked so many people around me. In the last few weeks alone, I've seen friends cope with cancer, heart disease, kidney failure, and chronic fatigue. I pray for wellness and healing.

My beloved sister has been waiting for a miracle. She wants to be a mom more than anything on Earth. Each month that goes by becomes more discouraging. I pray that God bless her with the desire of her heart. I so want to see her fulfill a role that she's already perfected... Nurturer.

People I love are lost and hurting. Bruised and damaged on the inside. Every fiber of my being wishes I could "make it all better". All that I can do is pray for supernatural involvement. Only the God of the universe can heal this brokenness.

Depression seems to have gripped a handful of those I'm closest to. Hopelessness seems to be settling like a fog. I pray for purpose and impact. That we would live boldly in the image of our maker. May we make a difference in this world not because of who we are, but what we are. Children of God!

Add to this list: war, famine, aids, hunger, persecution, natural disasters, homelessness, and poverty. It's enough to make us all give up!

And then I remember Jesus.

The miracle of Christmas. The Gift of Christmas. God among us. The Savior of the world. He appeared and a soul felt it's worth. No matter what this world throws at us, it is all made right again through this one Man. He came to seek and save the lost. He came to restore what we've destroyed. He came to set us free.

I have to be honest, this year has pretty much SUCKED from beginning to end. Yet I know that even a year is nothing in heaven's timeline. One day I'll see the big picture, and none of this horrendous pain will matter anymore.

Until then I'll take my joy where I can find it. And I'll try to leave my corner of existence a little nicer than I found it.

Peace & Hope to you all this Christmas!

Mandy

Amen...

Welcome To Our World

Tears are falling, hearts are breaking

How we need to hear from God

You've been promised, we've been waiting

Welcome Holy Child

Welcome Holy Child

Hope that you don't mind our manger

How I wish we would have known

But Long-awaited Holy Stranger

Make yourself at home

Please make yourself at home

Bring your peace into our violence

Bid our hungry souls be filled

Word now breaking Heaven's silence

Welcome to our world

Welcome to our world

Fragile fingers sent to heal us

Tender brow prepared for thorns

Tiny heart whose blood will save us

Unto us is born

Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around you

Breathe our air and walk our sod

Rob our sin and make us holy

Perfect Son of God

Perfect Son of God

Welcome to our world

The Song In My Head...

Home Tonight

I've come to my senses

How did I get so far from home

The lies dissipating

Revealing I'm so alone

And I remember now how strong love can be

And I wonder how did I ever leave

Burn your fire on the altar

Leave a candle on the porch

I'm still too far away to see it

But I'm aching for its warmth

And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome

But still I hear your song inside

So sing it louder if you want me home tonight

Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm coming home tonight

This isn't the first time

I've wandered away from home before

You'd have every reason

To slam and dead-bolt the door

But I remember now how strong your love can be

And I wonder how you might welcome me

Burn your fire on the altar

Leave a candle on the porch

I'm still too far away to see it

But I'm aching for its warmth

And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome

But still I hear your song inside

So sing it louder if you want me home tonight

Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm coming home tonight

Into your arms, to my back yard

Where I used to play

How I miss the days...

So burn your fire on the altar

Leave a candle on the porch

I'm still too far away to see it

But I'm aching for its warmth

And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome

But still I hear your song inside

So sing it louder if you want me home tonight

Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm coming home tonight

There are times when I'm warmed by the fact that God never slams the door in my face. No matter how far I wander, I can always come home to open arms. It's at the very core of what it means to have been saved by grace. This song comforted me a great deal in march... For some reason, its playing in my heart this week. So I thought I'd share it with you all.

Many Blessings,

Mandy

Christmas Reminder Part 2

Today I can't help but think about Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.

You can't help but appreciate Joseph as an adoptive parent. Of all the honored positions in history, no other man can ever say he was entrusted with raising, and protecting God. What an awesome responsibility! And Mary! I get goose bumps when I think of what it must have been like for her. Imagine explaining to your parents that you're pregnant, unwed, but it's all good because it was God's baby! Talk about a rocky beginning! I think one of the reasons God allowed Joseph to deliver the Baby himself, was so that he and Mary were in it together right from the start. God is clever that way.

But what really pulls at my heart is the thought that from the moment Jesus was born, they knew He was going to die a horrible death. They had been raised on the prophesies of the coming Messiah. That had to have known that this beautiful Baby would one day be tortured. God knew it too. Yet still He came.

No one forced Jesus to come to our world. He willingly came to embrace the human experience. He could have appeared as an adult, fully equipped to begin His teaching. He could have stayed on earth for a year and then returned to His rightful place. 33 years... I'm humbled and honored to be loved this much.

Top Five Christmas Movie Quotes

1.) Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol? - Clark W.Griswold (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation)

2.)It's Christmas Eve. It's-it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we-we-we smile a little easier, we-w-w-we-we-we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be.- Frank Cross (Scrooged)

3.)It was the classic mother B.B. gun block: "You'll shoot your eye out." That deadly phrase uttered many times before by hundreds of mothers, was not surmountable by any means known to kiddom.- Ralphie Parker (A Christmas Story)

4.)What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary. -George Bailey (It's a Wonderful Life)

5.)You see, Mrs. Walker, this is quite an opportunity for me. For the past 50 years or so I've been getting more and more worried about Christmas. Seems we're all so busy trying to beat the other fellow in making things go faster and look shinier and cost less that Christmas and I are sort of getting lost in the shuffle. -Kris Kringle (Miracle on 34th Street)

Dear Laurie,

So many things I'd like to say, but none of it really matters. My feelings, or opinions on any given subject don't really change a thing. It's Christmas. You're gone. This sucks.

This weekend, I was reminded again of how much you've already missed. Heidi and I babysat Hayden and Reece Saturday. Hayden is growing like a weed. He's such a sweet little man. And REECE! Laurie, he's the happiest baby you've ever seen! But you haven't seen... You didn't get to meet this nephew. My heart aches with the realization that all these beautiful children in our family are going to miss out on growing up with Aunt Laurie.

You missed the ornament exchange. Club met at Jen's house Sunday. We drank egg nog and listened to Steph and Heidi recite The Night Before Christmas. We laughed, and enjoyed ourselves. It was good to be together. There is a scar on our "club" though. We feel your absence and it wounds us. You've wounded a lot of folks with your leaving...

Are you sorry at all? Does Heaven allow you to see the aftermath? These are questions that can't be answered, but I think them anyway. I know that one day I'll see you again. I know that the joyful spirit of my beautiful girl will be revived when next we meet. I'm pretty sure I won't even be angry anymore. But for now Laur, in this moment, today I'm angry. I can't help it. I can't stop it. You killed my friend. And I'm angry.

I love you Laurie. I can still do that when I'm angry, because that's what family is. I love you bigger than you know. Hug my Mom for me. Sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. I'll talk to you again soon.

All my Heart,
Mandy

Christmas Reminder Part 1

I've decided that my heart needs to recalibrate in order to survive Christmas this year. So once a week until Christmas, I'm going to post something here that reflects the true reason to find joy in this Holiday. Today, It's song lyrics...

"Take A Walk Through Bethlehem"

The city's decorated up for Christmas

All the stores are open late tonight

People hurry through the frozen streets

I take a walk...

Every child has a thousand wishes

Every window has a thousand lights

Every soul has a need for peace

I take a walk...

There's a star that still outshines the night

You can find it if you close your eyes

And see the light

Take a walk through Bethlehem

Come and kneel before the lamb

Good news for every man

Walk through Bethlehem

Every night another TV special

Merchants counting down the shopping days

But something's missing underneath the tree

I take a walk...

'Cause every heart longs for more than tinsel

Something more than just a holiday

Come and celebrate the baby King

Let's take a walk...

You don't have to travel anywhere

Faith and hope and love will bring you there

Bring you there

Take a walk through Bethlehem

Come and kneel before the lamb

Good news for every man

Walk through Bethlehem

Dear Friend,

I see your struggle, and my heart aches for you. You are a child of God. That makes you royalty! Never forget who you are, and who you belong too. Things have been so stressful lately. I wish I could take it all away. I wish you peace, unconditional love, and all the blessings this life can afford. I'm always here for you. I know you feel discouraged, but know that God's timing is perfect. The longings of your heart will be fulfilled one day. Trust that your Heavenly Father has it all in control. Don't give up! I'm glad you let me be a part of your life. I will always be here to cry together when crying is called for, and to dance with you when celebration is in order. For all the times in between, I'll just be there to make you laugh!

I carry you in my heart, and I thought maybe you needed to know that today.

In Him,

Mandy

Oh, What A Weekend...

Retelling the story of this past weekend seems like a feat in itself. I have experienced a great many highs and several floor dropping lows in the past two days. Yet strangely, when all is said and done, I can say this was a fantastic weekend!

On Saturday morning I was supposed to go swimming. Sadly, that never happened. Instead I got up slowly and prepared myself for a "veg day". I was going to bake splenda&spice cookies and wrap Christmas gifts. I planned to drink coffee and take it easy. Anyone who knows me, knows that my joy comes from days in my jammies. Then Teri called and asked if I would mind having her and Kevin stop by. They wanted to bring their steam cleaner to my house and revived my battered off white couch. Before they came over I had planned to run to the grocery store, but my van was not loving the cold weather and the engine kept stalling. I would now be stuck at home. I called Heidi to share my dilemma (that's what sisters do). I asked her where she was and what her plans were for the day. Imagine my surprise when she said "I'm sitting in your van, and I was able to get it running fine"! Heidi, Teri, and Kevin all arrived at my door at the same time. In about two hours my couch went from something that looked beyond repair to something fresh and beautiful! I was stunned! Teri, and Kevin left and I was headed out with Heidi for a fun filled afternoon of Christmas shopping. Yipee! I love days like this...

Until a truly bizarre twist of fate landed Heidi and I in a car accident at the end of my very street. We had barely left my house! We were at the end of my street waiting to turn, when a young kid in a blazer took the turn too vast for icy conditions. The driver side doors are both smashed in. None of us was hurt, just badly shaken. We called the police, and my father. Things were worked out fairly quickly, but there is still the concern about how I'm going to get around while my van is being repaired... YIKES!

So, broken door and all, Heidi and I headed to Kenosha. We ate dinner at Cracker Barrel, and did a ton of Christmas shopping. We shared a giggle when our waitress said "drive careful" as she handed us the check. Heidi was in the middle of filling out the accident report as she said it! On the ride home I was hyped on caffeine and I kept making Heidi sing along with me to the "Walk The Line" soundtrack. You may not know it to look at her, but Heidi does an excellent impersonation of Jerry Lee Lewis...

Sunday, I had my yearly, "Christmas Day" with my best friend Kim. We exchanged gifts and watched movies. I love spending time with Kim. Kim loves spending time with Diva. I think I'm in second place now. =) Kim and I were watching "Freaks and Geeks" when Heidi called to say that Jim's close friend Tim had passed suddenly the night before. I've actually spent some time with both Tim, and his wife Penny. This is such a sad loss of such a nice man. He was only 36. Please be praying for the family. Pray also for Jim. This is going to be hard on him. Sunday afternoon, Heidi called again and said she really just wanted to get out. We decided to take my dad and his wife out to see "Walk The Line"(I've now seen it three times). Wouldn't you know it? On our way to dads house two things happened. The "good sliding door" on the van actually fell off. The track came loose and Heidi had to lift the door into place. Shortly after that, the car stalled again. We were beginning to think maybe our travels were being cursed. But, a few minutes later, all was right with the world. The van started again, and dad was able to fix the door. We all enjoyed the movie and it ended up being a perfect end to one crazy weekend.

Been There, Done That

I feel worn today. I look back over my 25 years of life, and I just sigh. I've seen more in these two and a half decades than some people ever will. I've witnessed heartaches, heartbreak, milestones, and miracles. I wouldn't trade one moment of it. For better or worse, it's my journey. This life I lead is leaving scars. Some are healed smoothly, and some are still real jagged, but they are shaping me. I am seriously curious to see what the next 25 years will bring.

Food for thought:

What will the world say about you in a hundred years?

The Whole Holiday Season...

I'm not quite feeling it. I so want to be in a holiday place, but I'm not. Thanksgiving was nice. We went to my dad's house and relaxed. It felt really weird not seeing my whole family though. After my Mom died, the term "immediate family" took a shift for me. I've felt as if the family fused into one larger unit. This year that has shifted again. Having no mother means you lose your home base. Thank God for Heidi and the continuity she provides. We had such fun putting up my tree. No injuries this year! =) I'm praying that Christmas spirit takes over. I want to celebrate God's ultimate gift. I want to spend this season, not missing Laurie, but knowing that because of this birth that we honor, I will see her again. Last year, Maya made Polly Pocket sing "Happy Birthday dear Jesus..." I want Christmas to be that simple for me.

Walk The Line

It's been a long time since I've seen a film that I actually believe deserves an Academy Award. That all changed this Saturday night. What a fantastic portrayal!

I think this movie effected me on many different levels for many different reasons. I Have always been a fan of Johnny Cash, the whole Carter family, and country music in general. I've read the autobiography that was used as a guide for this movie. I think they did an excellent job in telling this story and bringing the characters to life. The fact that the actors had to actually sing was outstanding! I can think of few voices that would be harder to duplicate than that of Johnny Cash. And yet, they somehow managed to pull it off beautifully.

On a more personal edge, this movie touched my heart. Cynic that I am, I rarely find "mushy love stuff" all that appealing. Sure, I like a good chick flick now and again, but I never leave the movie thinking "I wish I could fall in love like that"... The story of Johnny & June made me say that. I wish I could fall in love like that. Not the crappy, sappy, pretty kind of love. The honest, ugly, brutal, truthful, endearing kind. In my opinion, true love is when everything either falls to pieces, or hits the fan, and there's still someone holding your hand. It's not candles, and poetry, and perfect proposals. It's simply who loves you enough to hold you when things get ugly? I've known some people who love like that (Pete&Barb for one). I can't think of anything more beautiful than that. So call me a cynical romantic I guess, but I know true love when I see it.

See this film. You'll be glad you did.

Puzzling...Part 2

And here is the answer key for those of you who have been playing along.


This is 1.a most re2.markable puzzle. It was found by a gentleman in an airplane seat pocket, on a flight from Los Angeles to Honolu3.lu, keeping him occupied for hours. He enjoyed it so much, he passed it on to some friends. One friend from Illinois worked on this while fishing from his 4.john boat. Another friend studied it while playing his ban5.jo. Elaine Taylor, a columnist friend, was so intrigued by it she mentioned it in her weekly newspaper column. Another friend 6.judges the 7.job of solving this puzzle so involving, s8.he brews a cup of tea to help her nerv9.es. There will be some names that are really easy to spot. That's a f10.act. Some people, however, will soon find themselves in a 11.jam, especially since the book names are not necessarily capitalized. T12.ruthfully, f13.rom answers we get, we are forced to admi14.t it usually takes a minister or scholar to see some of the15.m at the worst. Research has shown that something in our 16.genes is responsible for the difficulty we have in seeing the books in this paragraph. During a recent fund raising event, which featured this puzzle, the Alpha Delta 17.Phi lemonade booth set a new sales record. The local paper, the 18.Chronicle, surveyed over 200 patrons who reported that his puzzle was one of the most difficult they had ever seen. As 19.Daniel Huma20.na humbly puts it, "The books are all right here in plain view hidden from sight." T21.hose able to find all of them will hear great 22.lamentations from those who have to be shown. One 23.revelation that may help is that books like 24.Timothy and 25.Samuel may occur without their 26.numbers. also, keep in mind, that punctuation and spaces in the middle are nor27.mal. A chipper attitude will help you com28.pete really well against those who claim to know the answers. Remember, there is no need for a mad 29.exodus, there really are 30 books of the Bible lur30.king somewhere in this paragraph waiting to be found.

Puzzling...Part 1

Here is a puzzle that was sent to me a while ago. I found it to be fun and I couldn't put it down until I found every last book. I'm a nerd like that.


There are thirty books of the Bible in this paragraph. Can you find them?

This is a most remarkable puzzle. It was found by a gentleman in an airplane seat pocket, on a flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu, keeping him occupied for hours. He enjoyed it so much, he passed it on to some friends. One friend from Illinois worked on this while fishing from his john boat. Another friend studied it while playing his banjo. Elaine Taylor, a columnist friend, was so intrigued by it she mentioned it in her weekly newspaper column. Another friend judges the job of solving this puzzle so involving, she brews a cup of tea to help her nerves. There will be some names that are really easy to spot. That's a fact. Some people, however, will soon find themselves in a jam, especially since the book names are not necessarily capitalized. Truthfully, from answers we get, we are forced to admit it usually takes a minister or scholar to see some of them at the worst. Research has shown that something in our genes is responsible for the difficulty we have in seeing the books in this paragraph. During a recent fund raising event, which featured this puzzle, the Alpha Delta Phi lemonade booth set a new sales record. The local paper, the Chronicle, surveyed over 200 patrons who reported that his puzzle was one of the most difficult they had ever seen. As Daniel Humana humbly puts it, "The books are all right here in plain view hidden from sight." Those able to find all of them will hear great lamentations from those who have to be shown. One revelation that may help is that books like Timothy and Samuel may occur without their numbers. also, keep in mind, that punctuation and spaces in the middle are normal. A chipper attitude will help you compete really well against those who claim to know the answers. Remember, there is no need for a mad exodus, there really are 30 books of the Bible lurking somewhere in this paragraph waiting to be found.


Post comments and let me know how many you were able to spot!

Joy, Joy, Joy, Overflowing!

Last night I experienced an early Christmas miracle. When I got home, everything was tidy and fresh. My assistant had cleaned my house earlier that day. She was sweet enough to leave me a note explaining the things she had done, and the trial of scrubbing glue off my new kitchen floor...

And then the miracle.

Teri had decided that my passion for coffee could not wait until Christmas as my Father had suggested (he had it on good authority that Santa was bringing me a new coffee maker). There on the counter... Gleaming white like a gift straight from heaven, was my brand new coffee maker! My joy was similar to Ralphy in A Christmas Story. Red Ryder... Eat your heart out!

Thank you Teri for your kindness, and generosity. There will be a piping hot mug of "Michigan Cherry" with your name on it Sunday morning!

I hope everyone is having a lovely week. Mine is definitely picking up!

Mandy

An Update on MandyLand

Once again I'm breathing easy.
I am really enjoying getting to know both of my new assistants. What a fun bunch of ladies I have working with me. I know it's early, and things can defiantly sour with time, but I just feel like God has brought me to this place for a reason. All the junk I've struggled in the last month has served to put me in a better place than I could have hoped for. Jessy (one of my new hires) has offered to take me to a fitness center every other Saturday, so that I can stretch and swim, and exercise. This is HUGE for my overall health! Please be praying that I can find the necessary $150.00 a month to pay for the two of us to go. God will provide. Another blessing is that Teri (my other assistant) is willing to not only take me to Willow Creek McHenry County on Sunday's, but also attend services with me! This is all just such a vast improvement. I feel like I have options and choices again. Thank you again to everyone who prayed for these good things. Where would I be without you?

God Bless,

Mandy


P.S If you need to put a smile on your face I would recommend checking out Katie's blog. Forty Nerdy is just another Mayaism that lifts my spirits. Use it in a sentence this week.=)

Breaking Up...

I love coffee. I love everything about coffee. The sweet aroma. The bold flavors. Coffee brings me great joy. So, you can imagine my horror upon discovering that my coffee pot was broken Sunday. My Mr. Coffee had failed me! After three years of devoted service, our relationship has ended. I'll miss you dear friend. Oh the times we've shared...

THANK YOU!

Today I need to thank Heidi, Rob, and Brandon for all of their hard work yesterday. Thanks to these three angels, my flooring project is complete! My Kitchen and bathroom now have wonderful new tile. You are the best crew a girl could ask for and I can't thank you enough!

Thank you also to Phil for buying us pizza and feeding these hard workers.

Speaking as someone who needs help with well, EVERYTHING... I am a truly blessed girl. The fact that there are people willing to step in and do the things I can't simply blows my mind! It's easy to think in this day and age that kindness is missing. That hope is hiding. That selflessness is a foreign concept... My life is daily proof that these things are present! I wish everyone could experience this once in there lives. This truth that God is faithful to provide just what you need. Not only did He provide for my little condo, He also created a sense of fellowship. Yes, I'm a blessed girl indeed...

Chicken Little

Disney has done it again!

I saw Chicken Little on Saturday night, and let me just say...WOW! The movie was in 3D. The animation was outstanding. Disney has served up a fresh dose of magic. I think my mother would have adored this one. The colors and the vibrance blow your mind. But it's the sweet story being told that would have really touched her. If you get the chance, GO SEE IT!

More Pictures...

20 Lesser Known Facts...

1.) I was born exactly two months early. I was due to arrive on June 23. I showed up on April 23. This actually allowed my Mother to have all her kids in her twenties (her birthday was June 20).
2.) My favorite songs are "The Way You Look Tonight", "Slow Dancing With The Moon", and "Oh Holy Night".
3.) I still have the blanket Aunt Barb made when I was born.
4.) My favorite colors are pink, red, and orange.
5.) My earliest memories are from the age of 2.
6.) I am the third of three siblings, and the seventh of eight siblings depending on how well you know my family.
7.) I have four very close friendships with people I have never met in person.
8.) I once sang " Coat Of Many Colors" with Dolly Parton.
9.) I've had the same best friend since second grade.
10.) I was in psychotherapy at 18 for post traumatic stress disorder and suicidal tendencies.
11.) I've lost 136 lbs since June of 2003.
12.) My favorite places on earth are Disney World and the Smoky Mountains.
13.) I was tested as a genius at age 9.
14.) Cheaters and bullies give me the creeps.
15.) Some of the best discussions of my life have happened in the restroom.
16.) I'm afraid of the grates in city sidewalks.
17.) I like to sing when I'm on boats.
18.) The song that plays most in my head is "I Love You Lord".
19.) I prefer spring over fall, and fall over summer (I wish winter would go away entirely).
20.) My love language is words of affirmation.

In the spirit of these lists, I tag Heidi, Kim B, Kim A, Steph, and Becca.

Happy 30th Birthday Heidi!

My Dear Sister,

This year is going to be your year. I can feel it. I'm praying that every good thing comes your way this year. I think you're the best person God ever put on this earth (in the last 2,000 years or so) and I'm just blessed He put you in my life. I can't wait to see what your future holds. Thanks for being my best friend.

Love you always,

Manny

The Party....

My Big Sister is turning 30 tomorrow. To celebrate this occasion, we threw her a fantastic costume party. Heidi looked beautiful as the Queen of Hearts. Everyone really got into the spirit of the evening. I hope to post more pictures soon... For now, here's a peek into the funnest party I've been to all year!

Pixie Puppy.....

What a Night!

The Dolly concert was even better than I expected! We had so much fun Friday. Dinner with Uncle Mike and Aunt Joey was a BLAST! Here are just a few pics from our awesome Dolly night...

Hello Dolly!

This is going to be a GREAT Friday... Tonight after work, Becca and I are having dinner with Uncle Mike and Aunt Joey downtown. We are headed to Cereality. It's this fun new restuaraunt that serves nothing but cereal! Pretty much any cereal, and topping you can imagine is available at this place. It should be excellent! Aunt Joey and I both said that this seems like our kind of dinner...
After dinner, Becca and I are headed to The Chicago Theatre to see Dolly Parton. I'm so thrilled, I could spit! It's been a few years since I've seen her perform live and I'm just bursting with excitement. For those of you who know me, you know my long standing love of all things Dolly. She is for me, what Eminem is for Drew. She's a passion, and a safe place. Her music is where I go to heal. For years now she has comforted me. I even got to meet her when I was 15. I can close my eyes now and still feel her hug. I can't wait! God is just blessing my socks off this week! It feels so good to have my little ducks in a row again. There is such joy in having things to look forward to! Thank you again to all my prayer warriors. I can't express to you all how greatful I am to have people looking out for me. If I can return the favor one day I will. For now, just know I love you and that I feel blessed by your presence in my life.

Timing...

I have been home since Friday. During this week of stress, and trial, I've caught myself an upper respiratory infection. This actually may be more of a blessing than anything else. I've been home and had time to interview people. I've rested. I've napped most of my time away with Diva on my chest. This infection forced me to slow down and to trust God's provision. Funny how He gets your full attention when you're unable to breathe!

So, it's Wednesday now and I think I've found the right people to take care of me. I'm feeling hopeful that next week will go smoothly. Just when I think the rug has been pulled out from under me God always steps in. I'm so blessed...

Things That I'm Grateful For...

1. The tremendous amount of prayer going up for my crazy little life this week.

2. The friends and family who jump in to offer me security.

3. The network of people working around me to find the perfect assistant.

4. The cousin in berwyn who offers her time and support even when she barely has enough for herself.

5. The puppy groomer/CNA who may want to work with me.

6. The cousin in Colorado who is traveling here next week just to celebrate Heidi.

7. Dad, Heidi, Marie, Steph, Katie, Becca, Rob, Diane, Sylvia, Debbi and Kim who all offered physical help where physical help was needed.

8. Sugar free cinnamon Rolls from Pillsbury.

9. DIVA.

10. Chocolate chip cookie dough in ice cream cones.

11. The woman in Utah who offered me first dibs on a puppy this week.

12. Sugar free TWIZZLERS

13. Dolly Parton at the Chicago Theatre next week.

14. Dinner at Cereality with one of my favorite people.

15. The cute guy that repairs wheelchairs.

16. Heidi's birthday celebration.

17. Size 12 jeans.

18. Season 1 of Fraggle Rock.

19. The song "Blessed Be Your Name".

20. Laurie Notaro.

If you read this, you know how difficult things have been lately. Please comment today. What are YOU grateful for? I could sure use the boost of good will.

And The Icing On My Cupcake...

Moogi called. She cleaned my house and left my keys. Today will be her last day... Two days was not very good, but it was better than none. I don't know which end is up anymore.

And It Just Gets Better and BETTER!

So, I've entered the seventh circle of hell. Moogi is not staying until November 1st. Her daughter's condition has worsened and she's leaving Saturday. For those of you following this saga, that leaves me TWO DAYS to find an honest, hardworking, trustworthy person. No pressure right? Lets not forget also that I currently have NO ONE to help me on Saturday morning... I've not felt this unprotected since the year after my Mom died. I feel like I'm in the way. The devil whispers that things would be better without me. He tells me that people would be better off without the burden that is me. This scares the shit out of me! I'm fighting hard right now to tell Satan to kiss my ass. I am struggling to hold on to my value, and my contribution.

I am necessary

I am worthy

I will be provided for

I chant it over and over in my head, but the urge to give up is really strong right now. Please pray for me. It's scary to even type these things, but they are honest and today that's the best I can do.

The Butterfly Over My Heart...

I know there is some version of this now floating around in cyberspace, but I don't actually care. The first time someone told me this, was 8 years ago... My Mother had just died and my world was folding in on itself.

My friend said, "Mandy, when I think of you I think of a butterfly working it's way out of the cocoon. The process is long and painful for the butterfly. But did you know that if you help a butterfly out of it's cocoon it won't have built up the strength to fly? I'm watching you struggle so hard right now, and I wish I could just scoop you up out of this mess. But I know God is using this time to make you strong. I can't wait to see what you do with your wings!"

Those words, and that image have so impacted me that I carry that image with me to this day. I have a tiny blue butterfly tattooed over my heart to remind me. I may not like the trials. I may hurt like hell. But, God is going to use this to strengthen me.

Was it Worth it?

Laurie,

I know you can't answer this question. I know its like dumping my thoughts out into the void, but I have to ask it anyway. Was it worth it? I know heaven is great and all, but are you really ok with missing out on EVERYTHING? Are your eyes clear now? Can you see past your self these days? I know that you were consumed with LAURIE back in March. What about now? Can you see how you've wounded us all? The people who loved you are forever damaged thanks to your momentary blindness. Yes, we'll survive. People somehow live through these things. We'll move on and think back on you fondly. We'll remember you for who you were in this life. In fact as with most death, we'll probably glorify your memory past what you actually were. I choose to remember the real you. A beautiful, prideful, wonderful, vibrant, selfish, caring, generous, broken, intelligent, and highly stupid person whom I loved whole heartedly. A real flesh and blood woman who I admired and respected. A person so tangled in her own reality, that she couldn't see her way out. A lovely girl who cut her life short for some cruelly unexplained reason. That is who you are in my eyes. Some days I wish I could punch you. Other days I just really want to hug you. I miss your support. I miss your fire. I hate what you've done to the strongest family I know. The worst of all this, is that you can't take it back. I sit and monologue when I's rather have dialogue. You made a choice that leaves me speaking to a void. I can talk and talk. I can scream and yell. It makes not one bit of difference. It's still just me, without you.

Your bewildered cousin,

Mandy

Credit, Where Credit Is Due...

I need to raise up a handful of people today. For those of you who are praying for me and encouraging me, I can't thank you enough. There is no greater power than the God of the universe. The fact that you talk to HIM about me, is truly awesome! However, during this time of very real panic, and trial, there have been those of you who have given me the most needed of gifts. Your time, your hands, and your care mean more to me than you may ever know.

Heidi- Thank you for offering the security of your care while I'm in transition. You know my routine so well, it's the one time I feel no strain. Also, your empathy in your last blog BLOWS ME AWAY!
Steph- Thank you for your care this coming weekend. You've given me a calm moment in my storm. Diva can't wait to meet you!=)
Kim B.- Thank you for helping me last weekend. I love spending time with you and knowing that I'm safe.
Marie- Thank you for being willing to "jump in" as needed. It helps me breathe easier knowing you're there.
Dad- Thanks for always being a phone call away. You're the best UPS man EVER!
Becca- Thank you for your daily support. I've never met someone so eager to help before. I'm convinced God put you on the 4:45 for a reason!
Moogi- Thank you so much for giving me notice. The fact that you care enough to never leave me stranded speaks highly of your character. You will always have a place in MandyLand, and in my heart.

Has there ever been such a blessed girl!?!?

Well, that being said, I feel much better. I am really looking forward to this weekend. My hope is that I can interview a few people and get a feel for who's out there. If anyone knows a trustworthy person who is needing a job, please send them my way.

Mandy

21....

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday dear Kristin

Happy Birthday to YOU!

Kristin,

I hope 21 rocks. I hope you enjoy your new freedom. I love you BUNCHES, and I'm so greatful God put you in my family. I said it to Katie, and I'll say it to you... If life is a trial by fire, you are coming up GOLDEN my beautiful cousin.

Love,
Mandy

It's ALIVE!!!!

After much stress and craziness, the wheelchair is up and running. Praise God for getting me safely home! I went to church last night, and I'm glad I was there. Aunt Barb gave me a hug and a light up tinkerbell pen! She always has just what I need. =) My heart gets so heavy worrying about having my needs met. A friend said that everyone has those worries, but it's not really the same. Everyone worries about having enough food or shelter or provisions from time to time. Only a small portion of the world knows what its like to not know how they're getting up in the morning, or how they will get to the bathroom next. These things can crush me sometimes. I know God will provide my next caregiver, I'm just so tired of the high rotation. I would love it if the next person I hire could commit to 6 months minimum. I also think that when someone quits without warning they should owe me $50.00. That way at least I can afford my newspaper add for a week!

Today is bound to be better. My life feels less hopeless today... On to bigger and better things I suppose.

Peace & Blessings to all my prayer warriors.

Mandy

Philippians 4:19 My God will supply all your needs...

Oh Bridget Jones, How I Relate!

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that as soon as one part of your life starts looking up, another part falls spectacularly to pieces." -Bridget Jones

I should be blaming myself of course. I'm the one who got comfortable. I let my guard down. I began to think my life was clicking together rather smoothly. How stupid am I? I should know better by now.

Two weeks ago my weekend assistant of three years quit with absolutely no warning. I would expect this type of behavior from many people, but coming from a friend I went to high school with, it was a slap in my face. But, whatever... I could survive that. Its only my weekend care. I can manage. WRONG! Last night, my evening support informed me that she and her family are moving back to Mongolia on November 1st! Yes, that's right folks. I'm now in the market for both evening and weekend help. This BLOWS!

It's stressful enough adjusting to one new person, but two is more than I can handle. I hate needing people some days. I can't stand having to worry about how I'm going to get home, eat, shower, and shop from day to day. I wish my life didn't always have to rely on others to function properly. Don't get me wrong, for the most part Princesshood is a gift. I meet new people. I never have to clean, or cook, or do laundry... It's a rather pampered life. However, on days like this one, I'd trade almost everything in order to do it myself.

Pray for me. I'm so tired of this merry-go-round.


Additional Note at 10:42am: Did I mention my chair is dying? The charge is on empty and I have to wait for my HMO to approve repairs. Gee, I hope I'm not stuck in Chicago til whenever!

GREAT WEEKEND!

What an awesome weekend... I kicked it off Friday with dinner and singing. Marie and Becca came over after work to hang out and eat dinner. Thanks to Becca, I now have some fresh pictures of Diva. Saturday, my best friend Kim came to mandy land to meet my puppy and catch up. I had a blast! We watched Six Feet Under, picked pumpkins with Heidi, and had a visit with Aunt Barb. Too fun! Sunday, I relaxed at home with my Diva (no potty mistakes all day!), and then I watched Cinderella with Sandy. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I LOVE Disney! Yesterday, I was off from work for Columbus Day. Lil Jenny and I went to a movie... In Her Shoes was good, but a little heavier than I was looking for. I'm still trying to find someone to go see Corpse Bride, and W&G with me. On the whole, it was a great weekend. I saw some of my favorite people. I relaxed. It was perfect. My life spins so fast lately, It's nice to slow down for a moment and breathe.

Little Miss Diva Girl...

Gee, Thanks Katie!

THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other friends to see what they're listening to.

"Can't Keep Me Down"-PINK
"Slow Dancing With The Moon"-Dolly Parton
"Blessed Be Your Name"-Matt Redman
"Walkin' After Midnight"-Patsy Cline
"Meet Virginia"-Train

And now I tag...

Kim Brown
Becca Fradin
Heidi Miller
Steph Pelka
Greg Boncimino


YOU'RE IT!

Finally! Pictures From My Adventure With The Michel Cuties!

My little cutie boy... Entertaining himself with tupperware!

Isaiah is pretty easy to please. He doesn't require fancy toys and tons of activity. Just give him some tupperware, and a couple slices of pizza... He's good to go!

Denver & Maya having "craft time" with Aunt Heidi.

These kids make my world better. They are so fun and creative. Every time they come to my house, Aunt Heidi thinks up some incredible art project for them. This time it was bookmarks made with wax paper, and melted crayon shavings.

Possibly the cutest bathing boy EVER!

Isaiah couldn't decide between the bath towel and his sippy cup. He managed to balance both...

An Important Truth...

God Loves You

In the quiet, Love is reaching.

It's yours to hold,Be still and know that

Even when you're lost and lonely,

And hope is gone, you're not alone.

Far beyond the understanding,

There's a hand that leads, If you believe.

Through the darkness, see the light.

Remember God loves you.

The road ahead is long and winding.

With eyes of faith, you'll find the way, yeah.

And when the journey leaves you weary,

You can rest in the comfort of heaven's arms -Sweet loving arms.

And peace will follow.

Peace be with you always,

As you go. For now you know that...

Through the darkness, there's a light.

Remember God loves you.

When you open up your heart,

His love will meet you where you are.

He will always be a part of everything you do.

He is here to set you free,

And give you all the strength you need

To carry on, to carry on.

Through the darkness, see the light.

Remember God loves you. (remember, remember)Remember God loves you.

Today I post this song because I needed to be reminded. I pray that everyone who reads this today feels the truth of these words. God loves YOU! I can only speak for myself, but that kinda makes me want to love you more too.

Diva in MandyLand...

How can such a tiny little puppy create so much destruction? She looks so sweet and innocent! =)

It is official. Diva does NOT want me to go to work. She has made it quite clear that she prefers me home at all times. Apparently, she needs me to be her pillow throughout the day, and she is unable to function properly when I'm not present. The little darling has had two baths so far this week( it's only Wednesday by the way). When I get home at night, I find that she has trashed her crate entirely. In a staged protest, she has flung litter EVERYWHERE, destroyed two stuffed toys, and left me more "little presents" than such a small creature should be capable of. =) What a little stinker. It's a good thing I love her so much! For now we're taking it one day at a time.

KISS MY TIARA

How to rule the world as a smartmouth goddess

This is the title of a book I am reading. My friend Becca bought it for me as a gift. So far, this book has made me laugh out loud twice. While there are a few points that the author (Susan Jane Gilman) and I do not see eye to eye on, as a whole I can really relate. If you need a good giggle, and a solid dose of female empowering, I suggest picking this one up.

Artichokes, Coconuts, Sand Dollars, and Me...

Ever notice how some of the best stuff needs to be broken or ripped apart before you get to the good part? I think that's what my life is teaching me. I could hold it all together, and "make nice" with the world. I could put on a happy face and charm your socks off. Or, I can choose to be brave. I can break it all down. I can shatter everything and rebuild. I can get raw, and honest, and ugly... That's when it gets beautiful. I don't ever want to fake being me. It's dangerous and unhealthy. This may mean I make a few less friends. This may mean disappointing people with my actions. Too damn bad! I choose me. I choose wellness. I choose to be comfortable in my own skin. Wouldn't it be beautiful if we could all just get real with each other? A powerful force like that could change the world.

SoulFeast...

This year's women's retreat was a true gift from God. It was restful, and engaging. It also made me look at some things that I stuff down a lot. I took a class on solitude. What is God doing with my quiet moments? I have so few of them, that I think it's hard to say. For some reason, this retreat always surfaces the same four issues in my life.

1. What is God's purpose in making me?
2. My life occasionally burdens other people in order to run properly.
3. Where do I go from here/do I trust Him with the big stuff?
4. Who am I supposed to impact?

It seems like every year brings the same "junk" to the surface. There are times when I HATE needing people! Yet God made me to need physical help... It's an internal battle. I always see the bigger picture where my life is concerned. It's the smaller moments that can crush a girl. I rely on God to work with me and through me. I hear His calling on my life. Sometimes I'm just too chicken shit to make the leap that He demands. It's like when He told his disciples to leave everything and follow Him. I can honestly say I hear God calling me to something that drastic. The fear of the unknown holds me back. What fullness would God have for me if I just put myself in His hands? Margaret Becker said at the retreat that she had always wanted a husband, and 3-4 children. She knew the life she wanted and was struggling against God's timing. Today, she is a single woman, passionately involved in World Vision's child sponsorship program. She has thousands of children that God is entrusting to her! Her life is not as she planned. It's soooooooooo much better! What if the same is true of me? It's mind blowing. It's terrifying...

My favorite part of these retreats is the women I cross paths with. What a treat to share lives, and stories with other women on the journey. I met so many charming wonderful ladies this weekend. I need to highlight three.

To the new friend whom I've known on the surface for years,

Thank you for allowing me to be honest and open. I needed to let some things out, and you created a space for that.

Love, and Doodles

To the strong, independent, woman of God who is on her way to missions work,

Thank you for your kind words. Your support was so appreciated. God will do wonderful things with your life. Please don't ever lose your joy.

Stay in touch

To the Angel of blessing who let me cry in her shoulder,

Thank you for the safe place. Your compassion, and honesty blows me away. You have touched me many times with your talented voice. I'm glad God allowed us to share moments this weekend.

You are in my prayers


That pretty well wraps up my thoughts on this weekend. I pray that everyone can have a weekend like this at least once in their lifetime. I close this with an exercise in reflection.

Be still and know that I am God

Be still and know that I AM

Be still and know

Be still

Be

Silence is Golden...

This little puppy just cracks my up! This is a picture from Becca. Diva is sleeping in my t shirt instead of her usual blanket. While I was on my retreat, she was busy napping, playing, and traumatizing the Fradin cats. She currently has no voice at all. She cried, and whined so much this weekend that she lost her voice this morning. =) This may be a small blessing. I might actually sleep tonight without the pitiful pleas for attention... It's sweet how she just wants to be close to me. It was so nice to come home to someone missing you! Mike and Becca were such great babysitters. I can't thank them enough for looking after my little girlie.