Heidi Peszat

I wish for great things

I wish you everything good and strong

I hold your sadness in my own heart

I smile at your independence

Welcome back to yourself

Welcome to courage

You are beautiful

You are brave

You are a Peszat again

I love you bigger than words. I can't wait to see where you go from here.

This morning was okay... Aunt Karen and Steph both called to tell me they love me and that their thoughts were with me today. I really needed that. There's something about this terrible anniversary that forever ties me to Steph. That was the day we went from "cousins" to "SISTERS". Eleven years ago today, Steph held me together when my world broke apart. I'm only heartbroken to know that this year Steph had to learn the sting of that kind of lose. I wish I could have spared her that...

My Dad stopped by today. That's when today got lots worse. I can say that here because as he says "I don't want to read your blog. Who can stand all that stuff?"

I wish I remembered the me from back then. Something died inside of me then and there's just no getting it back.

Sorry this post isn't all motivational and moving. I just can't manage that today. I miss my Mother. I hate that I know her last moments. It stings to carry that. I can't pretend it doesn't.

The Song That Needs To Spill Out...

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake

A smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I watched you die

I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry in the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you

Because of you

Happy Birthday...

Ten birthdays in heaven... Do they celebrate there? I hope you're having a wonderful afterlife. I can't believe how long it's been since I've seen your face. You know what hurts the most? A mother's love is unconditional. You were the one person who loved me no matter what. I don't have that now. I have an empty space where you used to be. I miss just talking to you. I miss kissing your forehead when you were tying my shoes...
Would you like me now? Would you be proud of who I've become? I hope you see a bit of you when you look at me. I'd like that.
I love you. I'm thankful for the 17 years that I knew you. I look forward to seeing you again one day.... Until then... HAPPY BIRTHDAY lovely!

Your Little Pixie,
Mandy

Too Awesome for WORDS!!!!

It is official... Benjamin Batey Fradin is a WALKING LITTLE MAN!!! Just in time for his birthday party, Ben decided to pull an extra miracle out of his hat! I am so IMPRESSED! He is Just the absolute definition of HOPE!

June 7th...

Dear Laurie,

Today is your birthday and I can't believe you're missing it. You're missing a lot actually... Babies, Heartaches, and Weddings for example.Our Steph was married last week. She held out for true love for so long and you missed out on celebrating that with her. Could you see us from where you are? Its been so long since I've seen the dimensional you. I'm starting to see you in picture form in my mind. I always think of that last Sunday together. So many words said and none of them the right ones. If there was any thought in my head that within the following week I would lose you, I wonder what I might have done differently. I guess when you hug someone for the last time, that hug is burned into you. I can still feel you there against my heart... The other day I was listening to this song and it struck me in a new "laurie" way. It was never meant for our situation, and yet it rings true. So today I post these lyrics and this letter. Today I put down another small piece of the broken pain you left me. I love you Beautiful! I carry you in what's left of my heart.

Happy Birthday!

Mandy

"Who Knew"

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

One Week Ago Today...

Happy Birthday Denver!

I can not believe how time flies...

Beautiful Girl!

This picture makes me happy!This is my niece Maya wearing her birthday jewelery. I found this Hello Kitty set and new that she had to have it. The best part of this picture though is the jammies my little girlie girl is wearing. TINK! Yeah, she's definitely related... :)

Fabulous!

My little sister is MARRIED! Yesterday I was honored to be a part of Steph & Andy's big day. I am so happy for these two! I'll post pictures later. For now I'd just like to wish the newlyweds well, and send them to St. Thomas with all of my love and best wishes!

The grass is ORANGE. The sky is TEAL.

(See? I can do it too..)

The Summer of Movies!!!

I can't speak for anyone else, but I am seriously excited for this season's film line up! Here are just a few I'm interested in:

Iron Man

Narnia (Prince Caspian)

Indiana Jones

Sex & the City

Wanted

The Incredible HULK

Batman

Kung Fu Panda

WALL-E

YAY! Thet the movie goodness begin!

The Nature of Blogland...

It is my belief that blogging can bring out the best and the worst in people. It's because of the nameless, faceless nature of the thing. Sure, you see pictures and you know people in a general way... but here in blogland you can show any side of your self you choose. It's important to remember that you're only seeing what the writer is showing you. For example, If you know me from blogging you know these things:

I'm poetic

I'm broken

I'm a fighter

I love my dog

I love my family & friends

I aspire to bigger things

I've experienced great loss

I worship God and a good cup of coffee

I have an odd sense of humor

I struggle with depression

I'm in a wheelchair

I used to be fat

I value my privacy

I am a Diva

But that is only a small part of who I am. I am a survivor. I am brave. I am direct. I am unemployed. I am tired. I am occasionally heart broken. I am hopeful. I am so many things that stitch me together. I don't mind listing my "I am's" . When they are all strung together in a thread it's really quite beautiful. But I would genuinely hate it if you spent too long looking at just one element. Please remember that I am all those things.

There has been some hostility circulating in blogland these days. I'm honestly not sure what brought it on. But I'd like to say this in all honesty. Both of you are dear to me. I wouldn't wish pain on either of you. Please lay your anger to rest. It doesn't help anyone. All that we have is the present, and today things are looking up. When you blog again (which I hope you both do soon), I'd like to see more of yourselves in your writing. I know, and love you because of who you are. I look forward to you sharing that with the rest of the world. It's been so long since you've really shared your true selves.

I love you!

Mandy

Bachelorette.....

This picture makes me smile... :)

I Freakin' LOVE This Picture! :)

Thanks, Aunt Karen for the feathers...
DIVALICIOUS!

It's That Time Again...

GoodNews! Today I met with my state case worker. I am officially still a Fairy Princess! We can all go back to our regularly scheduled lives...

Puppy Luv....

This is my favorite picture of Diva and I. It's so very... US!

I especially like the matching hot pink and the t-shirt that says: REBEL (it only counts if you get caught). I think that sums us up pretty accurately. Me & Diva... Two peas in a pod.

She really is my "kid" you know... Her personality is perfectly suited to mine. Her love of coffee just proves she's being brought up right! Buying Diva Starbucks was the smartest thing I've ever done. This little crazy girl has been my friend and companion. I can't imagine my life without her.

I've decided to celebrate Puppy Mother's Day. I'm declaring May 13th from now on to be a holiday. I may never be a Mom in the traditional sense. Most of you already know I'm ok with that. Yet I am a Mom to somebody. She's got four legs, and she worships the ground I roll on. :) So Happy Puppy Mother's Day to all my animal adoring "parents"!

Sigh....

There is nothing quite as sharp to the heart as Mother's Day without your Mother.... My Heart goes out to anyone who knows this particular ache...
As for the other "moms" in my life. The ladies who step in from time to time to fill that roll. I Love you. Thanks for all that you do!

Hello Dolly...

Last night I went downtown to the Chicago Theatre to see Dolly Parton. What an AMAZING show! I have seen her perform many times. I even sang with her myself once... It never gets old. She always delivers. The energy and heart Dolly brings to every performance makes her one of the greats. I loved the show. I feel connected to my childhood whenever she sings. I refer to her as a link to my "past life". I've been a devoted fan since the days before my Mother died. I've loved her since before the floor dropped out of my universe.

Over the last decade or so I have hardened. My heart has grown a bit calloused. I've changed, and evolved as I've faced difficult challenges and soul crushing loss. I can't help it. It's a survival method. I'm still fun, and loving, but there is a rough edge to my personality. I am relieved to see that when I'm lost in music, my heart is young again. Dolly's music is like an old friend. Visiting my old friend last night was great for my soul!

My Boyfriend....

Benjamin Batey Fradin is one year old today! I can't even tell you all how happy I am to say that out loud... There have been so many uphill battles in this little man's life. And yet here he is today. THRIVING! He simply blows my mind. Ben is a daily reminder for me that all things work together. My life has also been filled with uphill struggles, and God took the time to throw Mike, and Becca into my life. Way before Ben was a glimmer in their eyes, I knew that we were friends for a reason. And now my life experiences are serving as a touchstone for the Fradins. I'm so honored to know Ben. I'm lucky enough to call him Nephew... I can't wait to see where his journey takes him!

Happy Birthday Ben!

I Love you Oodles & Bunches!

Auntie Manders

HAMILTON

Ladies and Gentleman,

I have an announcement. I have a new love in my life. I could not be happier! Hamilton just might be the love of my life...

Ok, he's actually my Hamilton Beach coffee brew station. But I'm totally in love! After Mr. Coffee and I broke up so long ago, I never thought I'd find love again. :)

Thank you Heidi for introducing us! I can't wait for the three of us to spend some time together...

Dear Friends,

Thank you for remembering my BIRTHDAY! All of your warm wishes and loving words are stored away in my heart. I'm so blessed to have so many devoted people in my life. I know I'm going to make today special. I hope you do the same.

Love,

Mandy

Dear friend,

Two words that make me giggle...

Oil Puppets

Enough said. Have a great weekend!

Mandy (aka.Elizabeth)

Dear Friend,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

You don't look a day over 37...

Mandy

Dear Friend,

I'm so glad I know you. My world is ever so much brighter with you in it. Please remember you are vital to my existance. If you lose your hope call me. I'll help you find it again. Please don't ever make me feel the way She did. I can't live through that a second time. If you start to fall call me. I'll catch you. I'll remind you of the bigger picture. I'll remind you of the hole in my heart if you aren't there. I want to be there for you. I want to form an army of the walking wounded. So we're broken. SO WHAT?!? At least we're holding on.

Love you as tall as my heart!

Mand

Dear Friend,

Sometimes I'm not sure you like me. I know that you love me. We've been close for as long as I can remember. You knew me in my past life... Before pain, and death taught me to harden my heart. Do you like me now? I'm praying you do! Thank you for never giving up on me. I'm so glad to know that you will never let me go. Even when I'm hard, and cold, and evil. You see through all that and you stick around. That just blows my mind!

Mandy

Dear Friend,

You inspire me. To see your smiling face was the highlight of my week. I can't wait to see your story unfold. You make me hope for the future. The life we live is not for everyone, but so far we're thriving. I love you, and I'll always be there for you.

Manders

Dear Friend,

Today, I've got nothing deep or insightful. I love you. What could be more important than that?

Mandy

Dear Friend,

You are so brave! I know how hard it is for you to make changes. It takes a lot of strength to start fresh. I'm proud of you. You are on your way. Don't look at this place you are in as a failure. You are losing something, but gaining so much more. You are chosing you, and that makes me glad. I love you!

Mandy

Dear Friend,

You are the most beautiful person I've ever known! Mostly because you don't see it. I wish you could view yourself through my eyes. You would be amazed! Your smile warms my heart at it's absolute coldest. Your light can be seen for miles. You may never know how valued you are in my life. You've saved me on so many occasions, I've completely lost count. I know to you, you're a work in progress... but I wouldn't change a thing. You are perfect just as you are.

Love,

Mandy

Dear Friend,

It feels like forever since I've seen your face. I miss you. I wish I felt closer to you. Life is spinning so fast, and I've misplaced my compass. Are you happy? Are things the way you thought they would be? We always said we could tell each other anything. What happened there? I love you so much it barely fits in my chest! Please don't stay away so long again...

Mandy

A Letter a Day...

This April, I've decided to journal in a new way. I'm going to write a note once a day that is directed to someone specifically. A good way to begin pouring my heart out again...

EASTER...

So I know that as a Christian I'm supposed to be jazzed about the holiday, but to be honest, I'm just not there. I'm so thankful for my salvation, but the motions of the season feel kinda hollow... Today I'm praying that Jesus catches me off guard in the next few days. I'd like to be surprised by joy...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,and rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Joshua...

Thanks to my friend Becca, I've been made aware of this Blog ... I'll begin by saying please pray for this family!

The strength and courage of this young couple simply overwhelms me. I have no words of comfort for them. Perhaps there really are none. My story is always one of survival and overcoming obstacles... None of my "stuff" applies to Joshua. He's two months old and he's dying. These past two months have been an unexpected miracle. These last few hours have been an unexpected miracle! His family has known from the get go that he would only be with them briefly. Yet, they chose to give him a dignified beginning and end. They have trusted that God has His hand in this matter. Joshua is not broken, or damaged. He's exactly as God intended.

Joshua's life has been so short, but I have to say that he is impacting my heart. Read through this beautifully documented journey. I know Joshua will impact you all as well.

Praying hard

Mandy

Back in the Saddle...

Well, my chair is up and running after 10 days of craziness. WooHoo! Now if I can just get my knee healed I'll be all set...

This Week...

Ever notice how things always come at you when you're most vulnerable? I knew this week was going to be difficult because of Laurie. I also felt for Steph because March 2 is her father's birthday. Talk about a double dose of OUCH!
What I didn't expect was the series of unfortunate events that lead me up to this emotional weekend...
Last Sunday my wheelchair died. In my effort to get help, I fell out of my chair and injured my knees. I've spent the whole week stuck in bed with ice packs and ace bandages on my legs. I need to setup an appointment for X-rays. My wheelchair repair group doesn't take my insurance, so I had to borrow $3,000.00 from my dad. Anyone who knows me at all, knows how much I hate needing his help...
Very few things can actually wound my spirit anymore. However, the devil seems to know exactly which buttons to push. Being weakened and "extra crippled" has really damaged my spirit. I feel like things are stacking up against me. It also reminds me of how much a person can actually indure.
For now I'm in retreat mode. Like resting and rebooting may be my best option. I'll talk to you all later...

The Song that is Holding Me Together...

BROKEN

Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky

Then it starts to rain....

My defenses hit the ground, and they shatter all around

So open and exposed...

I found strength in the struggle

Face to face with my trouble

When you're broken in a million little pieces

And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore

Every tear falls down for a reason

Don't you stop believing in yourself

When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue I know what you're going through

Don't let it beat you up...

Hitting walls and getting scars only makes you who you are

Only makes you who you are...

No matter how much your heart is aching

There is beauty in the breaking

When you're broken in a million little pieces

And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore

Every tear falls down for a reason

Don't you stop believing in yourself

When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again

Every piece will find its place

When you're broken, when you're broken

When you're broken in a million little pieces

And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore

Every tear falls down for a reason

Don't you stop believing in yourself

When you're broken

Oh, when you're broken

Small Miracles...

Today my nephew Ben stood up all by himself! Not such a big deal for most babies. However, Ben is no typical kid. Not so long ago, Ben's parents were told that he may never walk. He's been through more than his share of hard stuff already and he seems to defy all the odds. He's perfect! Not because he seems to get more "normal" every day. Normal is for cowards! Ben is perfect because he is exactly as he's meant to be.
If Ben never takes one step I won't be dissapointed. Lots of us get by fine without walking... It just looks more and more like Ben's potential is limitless. I want him to have every good experience, and a whole lot less of the crappy ones. He really deserves it!

Fresh Starts....

It seems like all around me there are new beginnings brewing. People I love are getting married!Others I know are getting divorced... Where will the next year take us? So many things change in a blink. I find myself getting excited! I'm looking forward to change, and new beginnings. I feel like letting go of past baggage. I know spring is supposed to be the season for these feelings, but for me fall has always brought out my hopeful side.

Going Home...

There was a great homecoming this weekend in heaven. As hard as it is to except loss, I'm comforted in knowing that my mom was there to greet my "Uncle Dad".

My thoughts and prayers go out to Aunt Karen, Joe, and Steph. Our earthly family just won't be the same without Uncle John.

DIVA STARBUCKS...

Today is my baby's second birthday! It feels like I've had her forever...

That's What I'm Talkin' About!

Today was another big first for me. Today I was a guest on am 1290 WMCS! Cassandra McShepard hosts an afternoon talk show called "That's What I'm Talkin' About" and today I had the opportunity to share my thoughts with her for about an hour. Too Fun!

How did this come about you ask?

Last week, while Heidi and I were in Milwaukee I made myself a new friend at the casino. After talking for a short while, I mentioned my public speaking and also my book that I am writing. It turns out that she is a producer of this radio talk show. I gave her my card so that we could keep in touch. The next thing I knew, she was calling me about participating in the show! So cool how things work out...

I had a great time, and with any luck I'll get a chance to dish again with Cassandra someday... For now, it was a great life experience!

Ten Years...

It's pretty startling how much a person can experience in a decade. If you had told me on this day in 1997 that in just a few short minutes life as I knew it would disappear I would never have believed you. This past decade has shaped me in ways I can't even express. Some very good things have happened in this time. Some truly horrible things as well.... Nothing on earth prepares a person for the loss of a parent. In a moment everything can change. I often wonder if my Mother would be proud of who I've become. When she last saw me, I was a completely different person. Would she enjoy my personality? Would she be proud of my accomplishments? I like to imagine that she would. However, I'm certain I've let her down now and again. I'm hardened now. Some of my softness has crumbled away. Some wounds have left deep scars. I think the hardest thing about losing a mother is that they are the one person who loves you no matter what. You can't lose a mother's devotion. Even if you try. They love you in spite of your broken bits....

Dear Mom,

I love you bigger than words! I hope the fireworks are beautiful where you are. I look forward to the day when I can hug you again...

Love always,
Mandy

Birthdays!

This week is full of birthdays. Denver, Laur, Kim... All in a neat little row. I love each of these people in such different ways.

I love watching Denver grow into who he's going to be. He's such a bright enthusiastic young man.

I love Laur in a sisterly, "love you just because" kind of way. Time and space doesn't change the fact that she's still shaping my world.

And then there's Kim.... I can't imagine my life without her. She's been my best friend since second grade. She's my refuge when the world gets crazy. She challenges me and builds into me. she loves me unconditionally.

I'm so blessed by all three of these wondrous people. What a week to celebrate!

The Art of Healing...

It's funny to me how one simple act or choice can destroy years of hard earned relationship. Someone you have trusted with your heart for decades can turn against you in a moment. Nothing on earth hurts more than having your emotional security blanket yanked out from under you. These are the things that leave scares for life and in some cases, open wounds that never heal. People heal at different paces I suppose. I know I for one am still fully damaged by the course things have taken over the last few years. So many different forms of loss and hurt... I am less forgiving than some, and more forgiving than others. I'm trying to rebuild wherever possible. I'm not as open as I used to be. I protect my heart in a crusty shell I've built for it. I measure my words. I guard my thoughts. I am slow to love. Even slower to trust. Yet that is my journey. I would never for a moment tell someone else how to feel. It would be as useless as assuming we all grieve in the same way at the same time. How foolish! Who could ever heal like that?

The Continued Blessing...

Two years ago today my sister and I were gifted with a fabulous Disney vacation. Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed or emotionally tapped, I think back to those days. That vacation was the ultimate experience in relaxation and healing for me. To the lovely couple who still wish to remain anonymous, thank you a million times over. I'm not sure I'd be here today if not for you.

Mandy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAYA!

Best birthday wishes today for the sweetest big girl I know... Kisses and hugs for Maya on her day!

Love,
Aunt Mandy

Happy Mother's Day!

Benjamin Batey Fradin

I have a new nephew! My sweet friends Mike & Becca have a beautiful new son. He's having quite a rough start to his journey, but I'm not worried. Speaking as someone who also had a rough beginning, I can honestly say he's perfect. He's exactly who God made him to be and he couldn't ask for a more remarkable family. Please pray for this little cutie as he tackles some pretty intense health issues.

Thanks!

Wow!

My birthday present from Heidi this year absolutely takes my breath away.... She purchased it over a month ahead of time and has been showing everyone what she bought (everyone but me that is). When it finally came time to open this long awaited gift I was somewhat surprised to find a glass tomato... For so long I had heard that she bought me a gift I had always wanted and that it was going to be soooo special. I was completely dumbfounded when a glass TOMATO was the grand finale. Turns out Heidi was just setting me up. In truth she had bought me the most beautiful diamond earrings and cross. I teared up when I saw it. Was there ever such a sister in all the world before Heidi? I am truly blessed!

27 And Counting...

I am seriously the most spoiled girl I know.

So many people start hating birthday celebrations as they get older, but I have to say it just gets better and better for me each year. I can't help but feel hopeful as my birthday rolls around. It's like my very own marker for fresh starts. Each year I wonder how I will change, who I'm becoming, and where I will go from here. My favorite thing to do on my birthday is surround myself with the people I love the most. The people who make me feel good about me. I'm such a blessed girl. I definitely got the cream of the crop when it comes to friends and loved ones! Many thanks to the people who make me special...


Love, Mandy

Bridgeway...

Today I need to write about my beautiful Big Sister. Heidi, you are a one of a kind lady and I'm thankful I know you. You are strong. You are resourceful, and you are going to be just fine. I love you bunches and I can't wait to see where you go next! Love Always, Manny

This Girl I know...

I know this Lovely Girl

She has a smile as big as the sky

This Beautiful Girl brings hope to others

She has the gift of encouragement

This Fantastic Girl has carried deep pain in her heart

She has witnessed death firsthand

This Remarkable Girl forgets her own value

She doesn't see how much she is loved

This Sparkling Girl guards her emotions

She doesn't ever want to disappoint you

This Radiant Girl once lost hope

She decided to end her life...

Dear Laurie,

We're here again. Two years without my dear sweet girl. I so wish you hadn't left. You set the earth turning slightly off axis. Would you still have gone through with it if you knew how things would play out? I was right there. You could have opened up. I would have held you. I would have been brave and told you that you were not alone in your despair... I have a confession for you my Lovely, Beautiful, Fantastic, Remarkable, Sparkling, Radiant Girl..... These words I have written were not originally about you. It's part of something I wrote nine years ago in therapy after my own decision to leave. I too felt lost and alone. Isn't it funny how self involved suicide really is? Hopelessness momentarily blinds us from reality. If you had only told me that night two years ago how dark you really felt, I would have done anything in my power to show you a bit of light. But, you didn't do that did you? You left yourself no window. There was not the slightest hint to be seen. I've accepted that now. I couldn't save you from your choice because you didn't want to reach out for help. I think that stings the deepest. You were my friend Laurie. You were so much more than a cousin. I miss everything about you, and sometimes it steals my breath away. So today I'll tuck you away inside my heart and wait for the day I see you again. I love you Beautiful.

All my heart,

Mandy

Love, Cupid, and all that Crap...

Today is Valentine's Day. A day for everyone to celebrate the love that they are in. If you are in love, then I'm very happy for you and the joy that you feel on this day.

For the rest of us, this holiday is like Jewish folks at Christmas time.

So please excuse me if I don't gush poetic. I was told today that I "must be bitter because no one loves me on Valentine's Day". As if this holiday isn't already a kick in the teeth to all single people. Now those who are happily in relationships feel compelled to stomp on you while you're down.

Call me crazy, but I'm usually pretty happy on my own. I like knowing I'm complete all on my own. Does that make me wrong? Am I sick because I don't do well in a "we"? I guess so...

So this post I dedicate to all my single friends. I'll never use some bogus cliche like " the right person is out there. Just hang in there". Instead I'll say this one thing. "May you know yourself. May you love yourself enough to be solid on your own. If the right person comes your way, I hope you are happy enough with yourself that you're ready for it."

Just Had To Post...

Me & Diva this afternoon...

Resolution

In the new year it is customary to think of the word resolution in terms of one's resolve to improve or change something. People make resolutions that they live up to for about a week. The problem with this system is that no one ever really experiences a long term conversion.

This year my mind leans towards another meaning for the word. Resolution also means clarity, or sharpness. That is my own personal wish for this new year. I want to have a clear vision for my future. I want to know with certainty that I'm fulfilling my life's purpose. I'm praying that this year God will use my small life for great things. So many things have changed for me in the last few months. I need to believe I'm here for a reason.

Happy New Year all!

God bless!

Merry Christmas!

 

Christmas Already?

I can't believe we're here. I feel like we blink and the whole holiday season rushes by. So today I'll pause and reflect...


I love the way lights on a tree or a house make everything miraculous.
I can't ever get enough of fresh baking smells.
As much as I hate cold weather, snow is really quite beautiful from a window view.
I am lucky to have my friends.
I wish I could fix every broken thing.
Wouldn't it be neat to travel at the speed of love?
Has there ever been a better invention than gingerbread latte?
I want world peace for Christmas.

Happy Birthday to You

Happy Birthday to You

Happy Birthday Dear Jesus

Happy Birthday to YOU!

I have been thinking a lot lately about my beautiful "sister" Steph. She, just like a lot of ladies I know, seems to be continually selling her heart short on the wrong men. What is it about us that makes us so eager to fit a square peg into a round hole? We get so caught up in wanting to be loved by someone, anyone, that we blind ourselves to what God may actually have for us. Mr. Right may be walking into our lives and we're still hung up on some loser. I heard a song today that hit me personally between the eyes. I thought I would post the lyrics as a message to all the single girls I know. I love you Steph. You deserve nothing but the very best. Here's a toast to the good man who's waiting for exactly you. His dream girl...

Already Somebody's Lover
By:Mark Spiro

Maybe he lives in the city
Workin' on a college degree
Or maybe he's a boy in Paris
Tryin' to paint a picture of me

So I'm sorry that I can't go any further with you
And tonight may be a night I'll regret
But I'm already somebody's lover
He just hasn't found me yet

Maybe he works on the railroad
Or he's drivin' from town to town
Saving his pay for our wedding day
Then he's gonna settle down

He's just lookin' for a girl to send some flowers to
He's as honest and true as they get
See I'm already somebody's lover
He just hasn't found me yet

I see his face in my dreams every night
And I wake up with the taste on my lips
And he'll never pack it in or walk out on me
The way my father did

So I'm sorry that I can't go any further with you
And tonight may be a night I'll regret
But I'm already somebody's lover
He just hasn't found me yet

Happy Birthday Heidi!

Today is my big sister's birthday...

Heidi,

I wish all the best things! I can't wait to see where this year takes you.

Mandy

 

Cash Wembley...

Well folks, after two months of having little Cash in my home I've decided that I'm just not the best mom for him. I couldn't have asked for a sweeter little man. But, the truth is he's just not catching on to life with a Fairy Princess. After thoughtfully weighing my options, I have decided to send him to the one place I know he will be treated just as well as he would if I kept him as my own. Yep, he's now officially a Brown. Cash Wembley Brown. My best friend has welcomed him to her family with open arms. He now has a full house of folks to adore him and two big brothers to teach him the ropes. The best part is, I'll still get to be a part of his life. Everyone knows (with the exception of Ms Diva starbucks) I'm a better auntie anyhow! Thank you Kim for stepping in where I could not. I love you. Congrats on your new little boy!!! Too sweet....

Me and the little man....

This Weekend...

I had so much fun this weekend! I went to see Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D and have dinner with friends on Friday. WICKED on Saturday with Aunt Barb. Apple orchards and pumpkin carving with the girls on Sunday. What an incredible weekend! How lucky am I?

I hope everyone is enjoying this fall season like I am. As much as I truly HATE winter, there is something about this time of year that restores my hope. I love to see leaves change. It reminds me that we are here for a short time and we need to make the most of every opportunity...

I went to a pumpkin farm with the puppies this week. We had a blast and we took some cute photos. I love this time of year!

All of my "Baptism Buddies" at SoulFeast 2006

SoulFeast 2006

I can't describe how much my heart needed this getaway. What an awesome thing to be reminded of your true identity. I am a child of God. The creator of all things calls me "family". Such an amazing gift. I was reminded yet again, that He is all I'll ever need. I forget that sometimes, and become lost in my own longings. God spoke to me this weekend and he calmed an unsteady soul.
In celebration of my rejuvenated commitment to Christ, I was baptized on Saturday night. In true Fairy Princess Fashion, I was "dunked" in the hotel's hot tub! How great is that?!?
My beautiful sister cradled me as I went under the warm water. I was surrounded by loving friends. I died with Christ, and was raised to walk in new life with Him... I will forever be altered by this weekend with the ladies of Willow.

This Song Reflects My Mood...

QUASIMODO

you can be right

and I'll be real

honesty won't be a pain that you'll have to feel

cause I don't need your approval

to find my worth

I'm trapped inside of my own mind

afraid to open my eyes cause of what I'd find and I

don't want to live like this anymore

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

there it goes

does it scare you that I can

be something different than you

would it make you feel more comfortable if I wasn't

you can't control me

and you can't take away from me who I am

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

you can't change me

you can't break me

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

have you ever felt

like your only comfort was your cage

you're not alone

I've felt the same as you

have you ever felt

like your secrets give you away

you're not alone

I've been there too

cause everyone is looking

and everyone is laughing but I think

everyone feels the same

everybody wants to feel ok

everybody wants to

everybody wants to feel

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

cause I don't want it

I don't want it

you can't change me

you can't break me

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

there it goes

Oops! I did it again...

Meet Cash Wembley Peszat (aka Diva's little brother).

Some may say I'm crazy.... That's alright with me! I don't expect anyone else to understand why I had to add this little cutie to my family. I've just decided life is short, and I want to be happy!

Mandy

Willow Creek

I've been a member of WCCC for the past 6 years. I've been an attender for 24 years. Having grown up in "the big church", there are a million things I take for granted when it comes to how ministry is done. I get frustrated when we are misunderstood. I get sad when we make mistakes. Yet always, I think we've been a church for the lost and the found. Even when I step away for a while, Willow still feels like home when I roll through the door.

If you get a chance, read today's post by Shaun Groves (see SHLOG in my links column). I found it interested from an outsiders perspective.

Good Weekend...

I spent the weekend with my best friend Kim. It was so nice to relax and just be...

I'm feeling a lot better this week. I'm making some drastic changes and my heart is better for it. I'll have to write about that later I suppose. For now, I hope all my readers have a blessed week.

Mandy

The Stuff Nobody Says...

I'm so tired of the perky shit. I'm just really done with worrying about how things appear on the outside. I'm not saying that being upbeat and happy means you're fake, but when things get ugly just stop sugar coating it. You want genuine? You want honest? Here goes...

I'm thankful I'm saved, but sometimes I want to punch God in His unseen face

I love my family, but I don't always like my family

I can't fix the world and I don't always see the point in trying

It feels like the only guys who find me attractive are fall down drunks

My body fat used to act like a shield, and now I feel naked

I can count my close friends on one hand with extra fingers

I still relive my mothers death in my mind

I may have already had the one great love of my life

I think it takes uncommon bravery to date me

I've never felt more alone than I have in resent months

Sometimes I think God is laughing at me

There are moments when I would trade anything to be able to do things myself

Why can't I just buy my sister a family?

The two times in my life that I felt suicidal were directly linked to my support system

Sometimes I'm an orphan

I wish I had been able to stop Laurie

I wish I could stop other smart people from making stupid choices

The last good night of sleep I had was on a cruise ship

The thought of dying young doesn't scare me, and I'm not suicidal

I'd like to get in a car and drive for hours

I long for the moment I can wake up from this twilight zone

I wish I would leave my mark on the world

It would be so nice if everyone said what they never say...

My Big Sister...

Have you ever been so blessed to know someone that it knocks you off your feet sometimes? That's Heidi Marie Miller for me. There are actually moments when I'm so thankful for this girl that tears well up in my eyes.
From the moment I was born, she's been my protector. This sweet, soft spoken lady has been fierce as a tiger when needed. Yet, she's so unimaginably gentle...
She has loved me more unconditionally than any other person in my life. She brings balance to my stormy nature and adores me despite all my huge flaws. She sees my ugly spots and she still keeps me.
Needing people gets old really fast. Sometimes I just want to melt away. Those are the times my Heidi steps in and does something to make me feel powerful again. She's been restoring my sense of self for as long as I can remember.
My sister and I compliment each other perfectly. I hold the lantern, and she chops the wood! It's so much more than how I know it looks on the outside. The dutiful big sister, and her needy crippled baby sister.... That's just not our story. We're a pair. A Ying & Yang. She needs me as much as I need her. I swear we were supposed to be conjoined twins, but God made me wait 5 years to be born. We are one heart functioning in to bodies. It's beautiful really. More people should experience this type of relationship.


Heidi,

I love you bigger than my biggest words. I thank God for making you. You are strong. You are beautiful. I will always stay standing tall. How do I know? Because you are my SISTER!

Mandy

A Toast!

Thank you for loving me

Thank you for looking after me

Thank you for your concern

Thank you for not judging me

Thank you for supporting me

Thanks for the shoulder

Thanks for the hug

Thanks for being there

Thanks for holding me up

For all the tears we've cried together

For all the late night laughter

For all the words of encouragement

For all the spilled out garbage

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

What else can I say but thank you to all my devoted friends

Whatever...

Alright God. I got the message. Thanks! I'll take this as a flaming "NO". On to stuff that matters...

Dear God,

I sit here today, and I wait for a miracle. You are capable of this, so please show up big! I'm trusting you to see this thing through. I'm asking you to get involved. I have waited patiently, but I'm done now. Please be the source of all good things. I can't take anymore. I'm at my last straw. Please be all powerful for me. Just this once.

Thank You,

Your Loving Daughter Mandy


1 Chronicles 4:10
He was the one who prayed to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and extend my lands! Please be with me in all that I do, and keep me from all trouble and pain!" And God granted him his request.

Wednesday Blessings!

I am a blessed girl! This morning when I got to work, my assistant surprised me with a lovely cup of Starbucks coffee and a gift card to buy another later. If you know me, you know that coffee is my "love language", my drug of choice, my favorite food group, and my over all joy! Starbucks is often referred to as my MOTHER SHIP... So, I'm sure you can imagine my delight. I'm continually amazed at how a small gesture like a cup of coffee can make a person feel valued. I wish everyone today Peace, Love, and Frappuccino!

The You Inside...

Who are we when no is watching? Have you ever noticed how contrasted this thing is? I can go from charming and sweet to rage filled and evil at the snap of the fingers. I'm constantly amazed at the amount of stuff we can keep to ourselves. How many times have I felt devastated inside, ad yet I smiled through it so I wouldn't weigh anyone else down. I shudder to think of all the times in my life that I looked someone in the eye, held a light conversation, and never let them see the real me. If I'm completely honest with myself, I've cursed Laurie a million times for being such a master at disguising pain. Yet I'm exactly the same. I tell myself strange little things. Like "there's no time for your problem", or "other people need more help than you". "Now is just not a good time for a melt down", or "there will be time for that later". The truth though.... My pain is as real and as pressing as anyone else's. My emotions are just as important as every one else's. There are no brownie points for holding it all together. No one will ever congratulate me for suffering silently. All that we have is today, and for today I choose to be genuine. I choose to speak truth. I will be broken and I will be brave. But mostly, I will be me...