Denver & Maya having "craft time" with Aunt Heidi.

These kids make my world better. They are so fun and creative. Every time they come to my house, Aunt Heidi thinks up some incredible art project for them. This time it was bookmarks made with wax paper, and melted crayon shavings.

Possibly the cutest bathing boy EVER!

Isaiah couldn't decide between the bath towel and his sippy cup. He managed to balance both...

An Important Truth...

God Loves You

In the quiet, Love is reaching.

It's yours to hold,Be still and know that

Even when you're lost and lonely,

And hope is gone, you're not alone.

Far beyond the understanding,

There's a hand that leads, If you believe.

Through the darkness, see the light.

Remember God loves you.

The road ahead is long and winding.

With eyes of faith, you'll find the way, yeah.

And when the journey leaves you weary,

You can rest in the comfort of heaven's arms -Sweet loving arms.

And peace will follow.

Peace be with you always,

As you go. For now you know that...

Through the darkness, there's a light.

Remember God loves you.

When you open up your heart,

His love will meet you where you are.

He will always be a part of everything you do.

He is here to set you free,

And give you all the strength you need

To carry on, to carry on.

Through the darkness, see the light.

Remember God loves you. (remember, remember)Remember God loves you.

Today I post this song because I needed to be reminded. I pray that everyone who reads this today feels the truth of these words. God loves YOU! I can only speak for myself, but that kinda makes me want to love you more too.

Diva in MandyLand...

How can such a tiny little puppy create so much destruction? She looks so sweet and innocent! =)

It is official. Diva does NOT want me to go to work. She has made it quite clear that she prefers me home at all times. Apparently, she needs me to be her pillow throughout the day, and she is unable to function properly when I'm not present. The little darling has had two baths so far this week( it's only Wednesday by the way). When I get home at night, I find that she has trashed her crate entirely. In a staged protest, she has flung litter EVERYWHERE, destroyed two stuffed toys, and left me more "little presents" than such a small creature should be capable of. =) What a little stinker. It's a good thing I love her so much! For now we're taking it one day at a time.

KISS MY TIARA

How to rule the world as a smartmouth goddess

This is the title of a book I am reading. My friend Becca bought it for me as a gift. So far, this book has made me laugh out loud twice. While there are a few points that the author (Susan Jane Gilman) and I do not see eye to eye on, as a whole I can really relate. If you need a good giggle, and a solid dose of female empowering, I suggest picking this one up.

Artichokes, Coconuts, Sand Dollars, and Me...

Ever notice how some of the best stuff needs to be broken or ripped apart before you get to the good part? I think that's what my life is teaching me. I could hold it all together, and "make nice" with the world. I could put on a happy face and charm your socks off. Or, I can choose to be brave. I can break it all down. I can shatter everything and rebuild. I can get raw, and honest, and ugly... That's when it gets beautiful. I don't ever want to fake being me. It's dangerous and unhealthy. This may mean I make a few less friends. This may mean disappointing people with my actions. Too damn bad! I choose me. I choose wellness. I choose to be comfortable in my own skin. Wouldn't it be beautiful if we could all just get real with each other? A powerful force like that could change the world.

SoulFeast...

This year's women's retreat was a true gift from God. It was restful, and engaging. It also made me look at some things that I stuff down a lot. I took a class on solitude. What is God doing with my quiet moments? I have so few of them, that I think it's hard to say. For some reason, this retreat always surfaces the same four issues in my life.

1. What is God's purpose in making me?
2. My life occasionally burdens other people in order to run properly.
3. Where do I go from here/do I trust Him with the big stuff?
4. Who am I supposed to impact?

It seems like every year brings the same "junk" to the surface. There are times when I HATE needing people! Yet God made me to need physical help... It's an internal battle. I always see the bigger picture where my life is concerned. It's the smaller moments that can crush a girl. I rely on God to work with me and through me. I hear His calling on my life. Sometimes I'm just too chicken shit to make the leap that He demands. It's like when He told his disciples to leave everything and follow Him. I can honestly say I hear God calling me to something that drastic. The fear of the unknown holds me back. What fullness would God have for me if I just put myself in His hands? Margaret Becker said at the retreat that she had always wanted a husband, and 3-4 children. She knew the life she wanted and was struggling against God's timing. Today, she is a single woman, passionately involved in World Vision's child sponsorship program. She has thousands of children that God is entrusting to her! Her life is not as she planned. It's soooooooooo much better! What if the same is true of me? It's mind blowing. It's terrifying...

My favorite part of these retreats is the women I cross paths with. What a treat to share lives, and stories with other women on the journey. I met so many charming wonderful ladies this weekend. I need to highlight three.

To the new friend whom I've known on the surface for years,

Thank you for allowing me to be honest and open. I needed to let some things out, and you created a space for that.

Love, and Doodles

To the strong, independent, woman of God who is on her way to missions work,

Thank you for your kind words. Your support was so appreciated. God will do wonderful things with your life. Please don't ever lose your joy.

Stay in touch

To the Angel of blessing who let me cry in her shoulder,

Thank you for the safe place. Your compassion, and honesty blows me away. You have touched me many times with your talented voice. I'm glad God allowed us to share moments this weekend.

You are in my prayers


That pretty well wraps up my thoughts on this weekend. I pray that everyone can have a weekend like this at least once in their lifetime. I close this with an exercise in reflection.

Be still and know that I am God

Be still and know that I AM

Be still and know

Be still

Be

Silence is Golden...

This little puppy just cracks my up! This is a picture from Becca. Diva is sleeping in my t shirt instead of her usual blanket. While I was on my retreat, she was busy napping, playing, and traumatizing the Fradin cats. She currently has no voice at all. She cried, and whined so much this weekend that she lost her voice this morning. =) This may be a small blessing. I might actually sleep tonight without the pitiful pleas for attention... It's sweet how she just wants to be close to me. It was so nice to come home to someone missing you! Mike and Becca were such great babysitters. I can't thank them enough for looking after my little girlie.

Crazy? I Was Crazy Once...

So, this week has been plain nuts! I was supposed to get my Diva Sunday, but the weather in SC was too hot to ship a live animal. Then I was supposed to get her Monday, but her vet had a cat come in with rabies, so he couldn't clear her for flying till Tuesday. Tuesday night, at 10:00pm Heidi, Marie, and I drove all the way to Milwaukee Airport to pick Diva up. BUT, wouldn't you know it? They sent me another girl's Chihuaua puppy by mistake! Diva had to spend the night in Detroit,Michigan...I was seriously beginning to doubt that she would ever get here at all. At 7:30pm Wednesday, Diva arrived at last! She was delivered directly to my apartment door. This happened after I calmly explained the rules of "Princesshood" to the manager of Delta air cargo.... I was not going to drive to Milwaukee again.
Diva is PERFECT! She's tiny, feisty, sweet, sassy, and all together lovable. She's already learning to use the litter box. I'm so proud! She also learned right away that she has to work with me if I'm going to pick her up. She actually climbs into my arms. Like me, she mostly likes to find the warmest place possible. She likes to nap in my arms. I'm so happy, I may BURST!
This morning I left for the SoulFeast retreat with Willow Creek. My friends Mike & Becca are babysitting till Sunday afternoon. It was painful leaving her this morning. Her little whimpers and moaning didn't help. =) It's good though. I want Diva to be used to a lot of people. I trust that she'll have a fun weekend. I'll post more on puppy parenting, life, grief, and general deep thoughts later. For now, I'll leave you all with a few pictures of the cutest little Diva ever, and her very pleased new mommy.

Thank God!

I'm pleased to say that my family in Texas is safe and sound. I can't thank God enough for protecting them.

Today I worked 8 hours of overtime here in Chicago. Tomorrow, I pick up Diva at the airport. I can't wait to hold her. I took next week off so that we can bond and get to know each other. Friday, the 30th I'm going on a weekend retreat with the women of Willow Creek. I booked my place in the retreat way before I knew about Diva. I can't pass up this opportunity to refresh my spirit. So, Diva will spend the weekend with her Auntie Becca and Uncle Mike. What great friends I have! I trust them to take excellent care of my baby...
I'm looking forward to a week of being "unplugged". There's so much rushing in my life, it's nice to stop and breathe once in a while. I will definitely be posting pics of Diva soon, but not this week. This week is just for us. I hope you all have a wonderful week yourselves. I'll catch up with you all soon!

God Bless,
Mandy

Forces of Nature...

Today I'm praying for the safety of my family in Texas. I'm also praying for the well being of a few million people I've never met.

God,

You are the creator of this world, and everything in it. Please protect those in crisis. I am depending on you to show up BIG. I've read the story of your ability to calm the seas. I ask that you do that again. Speak "Be still" once more. And if you do not, I will still love you tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Lord, I'm not sure this family can stand one more trial. But as in all things, I submit to you. Protect Greg, Cheryl, Ashley, and Brooke. Bring them safely through the storm. If it's not too much trouble, can you protect the rest of the Texans as well?

AMEN

OKAY...

I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm fine. Things are fine. We're doing fine. Good. Good. Good. Things are good.....

I'm tired. I'm tired of blanket responses and generic replies. Yes, some days I AM okay. But what about when I'm not? It seems like there is so much pain around me, that there is no room for one more hurting girl. It's very isolating. With the exception of a few select people, I have not had a real conversation with my family members in months. It's hard enough going through life without a mom, but now it feels like my "Support Beams" have slid away too. At 25, am I supposed to no longer need that kind of support? I'm not sure I can make it alone. To be honest, I don't want to...
So many wonderful things are happening around me. I bring Diva home Sunday, I'm almost done with the flooring project in my house, my sister is trying to make me an auntie, I'm throwing a party next month, and I'm almost done with my schooling. In some ways, I'm so blessed I could burst! Yet I still carry a sad weight in my chest. Laurie, MY LAURIE, the last person I feared losing, has deliberately chosen to miss out on life. Am I evil for being angry still? By comparison, MY life SUCKED next to hers. She was beautiful, talented, capable of doing ANYTHING! What kind of message is that to the rest of us? I for one, choose to keep moving forward. I'll take the good, and the bad, and the sorrow, and the joy. I never want to hurt anyone as badly as she's hurt me. Maybe part of it is the not saying of the thing....

To everyone I know:

I love you. I love what God is doing with your life right now.
Please choose to live. The world would have a gaping hole if you were gone.
I may forget to tell you, but you're needed. I NEED you!
It's important that you stay. We can do this journey together.
Don't lose hope.

But whatever, I'm done babbling. I'm ok. Everything is fine.....

Adventures in Babysitting Part II

Tonight I have the privilege of spending the evening with four of my favorite people. Heidi, Denver, Maya, and Isaiah are all spending the night in my house. For such a small condo, I really know how to squeeze them in! I love nights like these. I love hanging out with these kids and learning who they are becoming. I'm blessed to be trusted with these cuties. That's the thing about Katie. She's the one person to date, that has always trusted me with her babies. One of my most treasured memories, is the day I held her daughter in my arms. She was about 40 hours old. I know several people who wouldn't let a fairy princess hold their 10 month old. But not Katie. She trusted me from the start. I'm humbled by that trust. I've never really babysat before these guys. I hope I don't mess up. It is my hope that as these children grow, staying in Mandyland becomes a treasured time. I hope I can be to them, what Aunt Joey was to us as kids. =) The one who didn't have kids, so instead made us all feel like we belonged to her.=)

Well, I Did It! I'm a Puppy Mom!

Diva Starbucks Peszat

It's official. I'm a puppy mom now. Meet Diva.Born July 26, 2005. She's a teacup Min Pin. Possibly the cutest Ever! I bought her yesterday and she will come home Sunday September 25. She is from South Carolina. She should be about 3 lbs when she grows up. I just had to have her!

Smile everyone!

=)

Added note:

Rosie (my guinea pig) is still alive. However, she is in poor health and very old. Her vet thinks I should put her to rest... These things were in motion before Diva entered the picture.

Wednesday Night...

I was sitting in New Com Wednesday, and God was working on my heart. Our pastor spoke about "losing our first love". How we can sing, and serve, and teach, in the name of Jesus, and totally bypass our personal relationship with Him. I thought of how I've drifted from time to time. My own drifts always make me think of Laurie now. And then he said something that stuck in my chest like a stone. "Even when we feel distant from God, He's never gone from us". Our relationship may feel sometimes like it's on the rocks, but the truth is, God is never leaving, and never changing. He's as madly in love with me today, as He was before time began. How intense is that!?!?

So, as I'm sitting there, rolling the impact of that truth around in my head, they start to sing "Let My Words Be Few". I instantly think of Laur, and that email from Mexico... I cry. I can't help it. I miss her. I miss the days when her intensity for God was palpable. I cry some more...

And if that wasn't enough to flush my system of grief....
The very next song we sang was "I Love You Lord". This was my Mom's favorite song of all time. I cried buckets at this point! It was good though. I think I needed it. Sometimes I think the only way to survive losses like I've experienced, is to let it hit you right between the eyes. Shying away from it, only makes it hurt longer. Sometimes weeping, cursing, or just plain crumbling, is the only way to cope.

Here is a brief excerpt from Laurie's "Let My Words Be Few" email to family and friends:

"Okay...One quick story: Yesterday while I was in the shower I had the song "Let My Words Be Few" stuck in my head. The words go like this, "You are God in heaven, and here am I on earth, so I'll by words be few. Jesus, I am so in love with You. The simplest of all love songs, I want to bring to You, so I'll let my words be few. Jesus, I am so in love with You. And I'll stand in awe of You." Later when I was in my bedroom, I was thinking of the ways that I need to stand more in awe of God. I thought of things like more prayer, more time in worship, more solitude, or more time in His Word. At that moment, I felt God saying, "Laurie,why don't you go and read your Bible right now? You're not busy...Just do it now." Trying my best to be obedient.I sat down on my bed and decided to randomly open my Bible. I opened it to the book of Ecclesiastes (a book I'm not very familiar with). The first thing my eyes read was this: STAND IN AWE OF GOD. (SMILE) Can you believe it? Our God was clearly communicating to me that in my life I truly need to stand in awe of His mighty works. Ecclesiastes 5:1-7 talks about living in awe of God instead of living meaningless lives. Wow! It's moments like that where any doubt I have of God is quickly washed away."- 2/16/2003

Katie...

My Cousin.
My Sister.
My Rock.
My Friend.
My Sounding Board.
My Late Night Gigglefest.
My Fellow Club Girl.
My Game Board Goddess.
My Shoulder To Cry On.
My Safe Place.
My Drinking Buddy.
My Shopping Cohort.
My Tripoly Opponent.
My Judgment Free Zone.

My Dear Girl...


Katie,

I love you. I thank God you're in my life. We have shared more of life's big moments than some people ever will. Thank you for allowing me to get so close to your heart. You're beautiful when you let all your broken stuff spill out. If this life has been a trial by fire, you're coming out golden my friend! Happy Birthday.

Love,
Mand

Six Months...

I can't believe we're here already. Some days it feels like a distant memory. Yet there are moments when I close my eyes and the loss is so fresh. Will we ever be the same? No, I think not. Will we endure? I'm positive that we will. Over the past six months, I've seen such tremendous strength in the core of my family. I've also see beautiful vulnerability. The tragedy that has rocked us, has reaffirmed our character. We are survivors. We are rebuilding our hearts. We are a work in progress. We are still standing. I don't pretend to know why this has all happened. I'll never get my mind around Laurie's choice to leave. I wish I could make her take it back. For selfish reasons, I want her here with me. And then I think of the countless people who have told us that seeing the aftermath of Laurie's death has caused them to rethink taking there own lives. I believe that God makes good things come out of our bad choices. Did He want Laur to cut in line at the pearly gate? NO! Is He going to use it for the greater good? ABSOLUTELY! The pain of losing my beautiful cousin is more intense than I can express, but I take some comfort in knowing that lives are being preserved because of all this. Because of the brave openness of my family in sharing their grief, other families are being spared. That doesn't heal the wound completely, but for me, it helps.

Today I pray for all those struggling with depression, and suicidal thoughts.... Don't give in to that voice. There are people who need you here and now. God loves you, and He has a plan for your life. I pray you allow yourself to continue on your journey. If you are in a place where things are getting too big, I pray you get help today! Call someone, be honest about your thoughts. Allow the people around you to share your burdens. It is not God's plan that you should be isolated, or alone. I pray you find a glimmer of hope today.

Six months down and a lifetime to go. I wonder what the next months and years will bring...

What Really Matters?

As I watch on CNN as New Orleans becomes a mass of washed away possessions, buildings, lives, I hear stories of people searching for lost belongings. It forces me to consider my own life. What would I scramble for if my world was about to wash away? What possessions would I try to save? Do I own anything that I could not live without? I honestly don't think so. I have tons of "stuff" but does any of it matter? There are things that I love, that would be heartbreaking to lose. Pictures of my family, letters from my Mom, paintings, autographed books, blankets made by Grandma... All of it is important, but none of it matters in the big picture. I think the last eight years have taught me not to hold on too tight. Everything on this earth (including our loved ones) is bound to pass away. I think I've reached a numb place where lose simply doesn't shock me anymore. I grieve for those who are just now learning this truth. It's such a painful life lesson. My prayers go up this week for the survivors of Katrina's wrath. God, grant them peace in the middle of this devastation.

So, the question remains. What would you take with you? What really matters to you?