Reality Check

Heidi, Eeyore, Me...

It's been one month since the Disney trip. I'd love to say I'm healed of all my heartbreak, and all is right with the world. But, I'm afraid that's just not how life works. Getting away really helped me clear my head. I needed fresh perspective. It was so nice to spend time with my sister in the happiest place on earth. I wish I could go back. My real life is pressing in on me. Even there, I could not fully block out Laurie's death. I hate that this is real. I hate that my family has to "recover" from another loss. I wish I could fix what is broken. Will we ever surface from this? God I hope so...
Tonight is my last session of grief support at Willow Creek. I think I'm really ready for it to be over. I feel like each time I go there I'm reopening a wound that is trying to heal. It has been a great place to share and reflect, but I'm ready to move on now. Laurie is in my head and my heart, but I can't keep reliving this pain. I want to celebrate life and all it has to offer! I think my brother put it best. He said "losing loved ones makes appreciate life more. I want to grieve when I need to, but I don't want to miss out on living my own life to the fullest." That's how I'm feeling about the grief process right now. I don't want to hide from the pain or ignore it. But, what I really don't want to do, is get so lost in the grief that I no longer enjoy my one and only life. I want to be fully present in all that I do. I don't want to miss one moment of the good stuff God has for me.

The Roller Coaster....

This week is just plain madness. Monday was my mom's birthday (she would have been 55). I went to work, but in a strange course of events, I ended up at home both Monday, and Tuesday. Plenty of time to sit at home and stew on the stuff I avoid. I'm so thankful that Aunt Gail and Bob stopped by on Tuesday to hang out. I needed the companionship. I'm doing so much better since my vacation, but I still feel like I'm sinking sometimes. Grief and depression seem to wait patiently for my guard to drop... It's strange how solitude forces you to deal with yourself. Sometimes, I hate what I see when I look at my insides. I have such a large capacity for darkness. Thank God He loves me in spite of myself! Please pray for me. I could really use the support.

God Bless!

Hope....

Everyone around me seems to be discussing hope lately. What brings you hope? What steals your hope? What do you put your hope in? It's seems emotionally driven for a lot of people. I for one think hope is more factual than emotional. Everything in this life changes regularly. If I place my hope in people, at some point I will get burned. If I place my hope in possessions, I'm bound to feel empty. If I hope in myself, I'm going to let myself down. I need to hope in something steady and constant. If hope is what keeps us alive and and motivates us to get out of bed each day, than I certainly don't want to rest my hope in the hands of chaos. So after much thought, I've figured I would define my hope.


I do not have hope that tomorrow will be better than today. It usually doesn't work out that way.
I do not have hope in my body's wellbeing, or a healthy life. My body has never been that good to me.
I do not have hope for the safety and happiness of the people I love. This is simply not reasonable.
I do not have hope in the improvement of myself. I will continually let myself down.

I have hope in God. I know that no matter what tomorrow brings, He is with me.
I have hope in God. He will use me for a time on earth, and then He'll bring me home.
I have hope in God. Life is full of loss and suffering, but one day I'll see my loved ones again.
I have hope in God. I am a broken creature, yet I am made perfect through Jesus Christ!

I honestly don't say these things because they are the "Christian" response. I say them because they are true of me. I am not going to waste my one and only life being trapped in disillusionment and hopelessness. Hope can not be shaken if it is rooted in something unshakable. It has taken me years to learn this. I may still struggle with depression from time to time. Life is hard, and I'm an active participant in this human struggle. Yet, Hope will not leave me. It is at the bottom of who I am.

My Life Verse...

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait for the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not faint.


This is my life verse. This sums up my hope, faith, and passion. Please take a moment and share your life verse, or a verse with special meaning to you in the "Comments".

A Lesson Learned...

Scarlett and I...

On the last day of my trip, it became clear to me that God really does have a master plan. Ever since the plans for this vacation were set into motion I kept asking "why me?" I was so blown away by this incredible gift. I felt very unworthy of such a blessing. Needing rest and healing though, there was no way I could pass this one up! Now I know that God's timing is perfect...

Being away gave me some time to smooth out a few of my rough edges. The magic of Disney World brought me back to the simple joys of my childhood. I remembered what it was like to be carefree and lighthearted. It has been so long since I've felt that... The cruise offered me peace and relaxation. I rested in a way that I have not been able to do since Laurie's death. I had a massage, and soaked up the sun. I took naps in the middle of the day! I laughed with my sister like I haven't done in years! =) I so needed this time to regroup. I feel lighter now somehow.
I met Scarlett as we were going through customs and leaving the ship. It turns out we had been almost the exact same vacation itinerary (Disney World, Polynesian Resort, Disney Wonder) yet we had not seen one another until the very last minute. I spotted her in line and her mini wheelchair made me smile. It wasn't until I looked closer that I noticed similarities between us physically... Scarlett is 5 yrs old, and she has Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita (AMC). This is the same disability that I was born with. For those of you who don't know me personally, AMC is very rare. I've only met 7 people with AMC in my entire life, and it almost never looks quite the same as the next case. I was amazed at the similarities between us. How cool to be able to relate to what this young girl is going through. Her parents are outstanding! It was fun to introduce them to Heidi. They asked "Do you live with your sister then?" You should have seen their faces when I said "No. I live on my own and work in Chicago." What a blessing to be able to share my crazy life experiences with this family! I was able to give them a glimpse into the kind of future Scarlett might one day achieve. I now know exactly why God blessed me with this trip, at this time, at this exact stage of my life. I'm just thrilled to have a small vision of the "Big Picture"!

Right now things are pretty rough for my family, and those grieving Laurie... But I know that God will use this tragedy to impact someone. My life reminds me that God makes all things beautiful in their own time. Know that I'm praying for all of us. I pray that we come through this stronger, and better equipped to help others.

Blessings!
Mandy

The Duck Story...

What The Duck?


When we were in Disney World, Heidi and I stayed in one of the nicest resorts that Disney offers. The Polynesian Resort is truly beautiful! Each morning on this trip I had made it my habit to sit on our patio and read my bible for a bit while Heidi got herself ready. On this particular morning, a couple of hungry duckling decided to stop in for breakfast! I think my exact words were "Heidi! No one will believe this! Get the camera, there are DUCKS IN OUR ROOM!" We gave them some Mickey Mouse shaped crackers and sent them on their way... It was one of the stranger experiences on this trip. =) And now I've shared it with all of you!

Heidi...

My sister is five years older than me, yet at times I feel like we're twins. She is my heart. I don't know anyone like her. Of course, we are siblings, so there have been times when we've wanted to choke each other, but at the end of the day, she's still my rock and my best friend. God certainly knew what He was doing when He put us together.
Heidi and I just had a fabulous vacation together. I wish everyone I know could have such a blessing in their lives. We saw EVERYTHING in Disney World, and then we enjoyed the Bahamas. I think the best part was just being together. We laughed so often on this trip. One of the most fun parts of our trip happened on accident. We were supposed to get up early and head out to the Magic Kingdom (my favorite part of DW). However, in our exhaustion the night before, neither of us remembered to charge my batteries on my wheelchair. =) So instead of heading out early, we stayed in our suite till noon waiting for my chair to recharge. We played cards and ate room service... We even had a visit from some hungry ducks (long story)!
What a gift it was to hang out with Heidi. I wish you all could know her like I do. Heidi does not have the time or the inclination to blog. In fact, I'm not even sure if she reads this. Instead we share a paper journal. Every week we trade off. I just wanted to share this glimpse into the writings of my amazing, beautiful, encouraging sister!


On 5/12/05 Heidi wrote:

"I am worried about my sister! She needs to remember why her life is so valuable. She has the ability to touch and warm a cold heart. May our upcoming trip let her relax, reflect, and remember!!!"

On 6/7/05 Heidi wrote:

"...We are home from the BESTEST trip and I hope my sister knows I LOVE HER! Great time, so much fun, and really bad sunburn! =) Oh well... We loved it."



Can you see why I love her so much!?!? She's so sweet! She also genuinely cares what's happening in my heart. I need that so much these days...

Today I challenge you all. If you love someone, TELL THEM. Take 10 minutes out of your day to tell someone how blessed you feel to have them in your corner.

Pina Coladas at sea...

Another Birthday Girl...

Today is Kim's 25th birthday! Outside of family, Kim is my oldest and dearest friend. She has been at my side since the second grade. She has been there for me through countless life events. I have spent so much energy on grief in the last few months, I wanted to be sure I took a moment to celebrate the life of someone I love.

Happy Birthday Kim!

I hope this year shines bright with possibilities. You have absolutely no idea what your friendship means to me. I hope one day I can be there for you like you're always there for me. God Bless!

Birthday Girl...

Laur,

Happy 21st Birthday! I bet heaven throws the best parties huh? It hurts me that we won't get to follow through on the plans that we made. Your birthday was always a two week event, and this year was extra special. 21. I can't believe it. I feel old at 25. You've aged me girlie. This missing you has accelerated my years... I love you Laurie Boncimino! Today I'm going to try to do something in your honor. I think I'll pay for the coffee of the next person in line at Starbucks. Surprising someone with an act of kindness in the middle of their crazy day. That reminds me of the best part of you.
Tonight I'll sit on my patio and have a toast to you... I have so many memories of you and I out there. Club Girls, Steph, cereal in coffee mugs... I would have loved a thousand more of those moments! I guess that wasn't part of your plans... I may never understand why you chose to leave Laurie, but I'm glad there is joy and peace for you now. And no matter how great your birthday celebration would have been on earth, I know that you're at the ultimate party in heaven. I'm sure Steph joins me in picturing you and my mom doing the "running man" with Jesus! I love you sweetie! Now and ALWAYS!

Your Cousin,
Mand

Action...

Today I decided to take action. There are too many things in my life that are hindering me instead of helping me. I'm tired of "going with the flow". I need change. I feel like if I don't move towards something, I might just go crazy. Has anyone else ever felt this way? So today I've enrolled in another online course. I love my schooling from Trinity, but it isn't very practical at this point. I'm working very hard for a degree that I'm not even sure I want anymore. I have two more years to complete my degree, and to be honest, I'm not sure I can handle two more years in banking. So today I followed the advise of an employment counselor friend of mine. I'm enrolled in an online medical transcription/billing course. Once I am certified, I can do this full or part time out of my house. That would be an answered prayer. I'm not quitting my job downtown. I'm just trying to give myself more options. Please be praying for me. I feel really good about this move, but I need to be prayerful in all things... Please pray also that God provides the $$$ it's going to take to complete this course. I'm not worried. God is good. Have a blessed day everyone. I hope all is well in your world. If anyone else feels prompted into action today, I pray God gives you great boldness!

Two Years...

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery. It's amazing to look back and see how much my life has changed in that fairly short period of time.

When I was preparing for this procedure, I made a list of things I'd like to accomplish once I'd lost my "excess baggage". The list is comprised of 56 items and I've never shared the complete list with anyone. I had decided that going through with this drastic surgery was for me, and me alone. Some of my goals are very private. However, here I sit, 2 years later and 115 lbs lighter! I've been able to check off so many things on my list... Here are just a few:

I've gotten myself out of bed unassisted. I never believed it was possible.

I've been willing/able to use leg braces again. This has allowed me to stand and stretch and walk (clumsily of course).

I've spent time on boats. That's something I haven't done since I was very young.

I've bought pants in a size 10 (I hadn't done that since I WAS 10!)

Perhaps the most important accomplishment has been swimming... I had not swam in 7 years! My mother's death had left me terrified of being trapped. I almost drowned on that day and water (which was such a freedom and a joy) had since become my worst fear. I was convinced that I'd never swim again. But, as the pounds melted away and I began to feel more mobile, I found myself longing to love it again. Last summer I finally felt ready to try again. I had only swam that one time until last week! Now I can say I've also swam in a beautiful Disney resort, a pool in the middle of a ship, and most miraculously THE OCEAN!

I feel God talking to me today. He's giving me a glimpse of the bigger picture. I remember back to July of 1997. I was experiencing many of the same emotions then as I have gone through in the past 3 months. At that time, things were so dark for me that I couldn't see things ever getting brighter. God has healed me of my fear of water. And He has brought me joy in something I thought would forever horrify me. Praise God for His timing! It didn't happen over night. In fact, it took eight years. Today I have hope that I will heal from Laurie's death. Nothing is ever the same after we lose the people we love, but in time, God mends what is broken.

So, what have I learned in two years? I've learned that losing weight doesn't magically "fix" what's broken. I've learned that being healthy does not mean I need to be anyone else but me. I've learned that scars heal. I've learned that God keeps His promises in my life. I've learned that sometimes you have to go through long periods of darkness, but the sun will shine again.

Today I pray each of you feel renewal and hope!

Home Again, Home Again...

This week was such a blessing! I can't begin to tell you how amazing it was... I really needed this time away. I feel renewed in body and in spirit. The sun and the time with Heidi has helped heal some of my wounded bits. I wish everyone I know could experience rest and relaxation like I have enjoyed this week. God was so good to provide this get away! I slept soundly for the first time in months. I feel so much healthier just having slept. I made new friends, and experienced so many firsts... And for those of you who follow this blog, check #2 off my list of 11 things. Not only did I SEE the ocean, I also SWAM and SNORKELED in it! It was a highlight of my lifetime.
What a wonderful God we serve! Not only does He bless me with the most outstanding family on the planet, but He also takes the time to surround me with kind, and generous friends. To the providers of this much needed time away, Thank you so much! You have no idea how much this gift has impacted me. May God Bless you 1,000.00 times over for your kindness!

More later, for now, it's back to work I go!

Family...

In the last few days, I've been wrestling with a lot of junk in my head. Being in the middle of some really dark times is getting exhausting. I have doubts, and fears, and hurts. I have friends who have withdrawn from me. I have questions about where my family will go from here. Laurie's death has rocked our family to its core. It has drawn us closer and blown us apart all at the same time. I wish I could take away the hurting, but that's just not how life works. So as usual, I turn to music for comfort. I was listening to an old favorite for some peace in my heart, when I stumbled across this song. It made me cry. This song is so true. I have no control of anything around me. I can't protect myself from the actions or choices of others. But, I can be in love with my crazy, messed up, fun loving, intense, challenging, broken, healing family. As Laurie herself put it "the world's greatest family that I'm thrilled and honored to be a part of".

Family

by Dolly Parton & Carl Perkins

When it's family, you forgive them for they know not what they do

When it's family, you accept them, 'cause you have no choice but to

When it's family, they're a mirror of the worst and best in you

And they always put you to the test

And you always try to do your best

And just pray for God to do the rest, when it's family

Some are preachers, some are gay

Some are addicts, drunks and strays

But not a one is turned away, when it's family

Some are lucky, others ain't

Some are fighters, others faint

Winners, losers, sinners, saints, it's all family

And when it's family you trust them and your heart's an open door

When it's family, you tolerate what you'd kill others for

When it's family, you love and hate and take, then give some more

Somehow you justify mistakes, try to find some better way

To solve the problems day to day, in the family

You take the trouble as it comes and love them more than anyone

Good or bad or indifferent, it's still family

You choose your lovers, you pick your friends

Not the family that you're in, nah

They'll be with you 'til the end, 'cause it's family

And when it's family, you forgive them for they know not what they do

When it's family, they're a mirror of the worst and best in you

When it's family, when it's family

Let me be all that I should be to the family

Accountability...

Here's my thought for today. Why is it that we can be so loving and excepting of others when they don't yet have a relationship with God, and then be so cruel and full of judgment towards other believers? This whole concept baffles me. Christianity is a journey, a walk with God. Why then do people feel the need to push their walking pace on others? And isn't it normal to expect believers to occasionally walk backwards? If God can accept that we are humans on a journey, why can't we accept that from one another? Spiritual accountability has NOTHING to do with judgment. God will judge each of us Himself. "Accountability Partners" does not refer to every Christian I know. Just because we are both Christians, and friends, does not mean I'll invite you into my dark spots. It is a core of trusted friends who I have ASKED to watch out for me. This doesn't give anyone power over my decisions, and choices, it just means that I have invited a few trusted friends into my most vulnerable places. If something is "off" I would expect them to talk it out with me. However, these friends that I pick to share my dark corners with, must love me unconditionally. For the record: If you are in a partnership like this one and you can't radically love someone through their struggles, perhaps you should step down from that role.

Stephanie Pelka is one of the most merciful people I've ever known. She forgives me even when I can't forgive myself. She never tells me that my wrongdoing is "ok". She is honest, and truthful whenever I tell her my heart. If I'm in the wrong, she is always up front about it. Yet, here's the thing, She has never withdrawn from me when I'm not doing what is right. She loves me through each of my countless bad choices. When I stumble spiritually, or when I rebel against God's will, she remains. Steph is the first person to celebrate with me when I come back around. I thank God daily that He has blessed me with my sister Steph. It's comforting to know that I can lay my darkest truths at her feet, and she won't run screaming.

It's people like this who truly reflect the heart of Christ in my life. Where would I be without unconditional love?

SuperGimp!!!

So I know I'm a pretty strong person, but this is just getting plain silly. Maybe people think I have super powers. Everyone seems to think I'll just "deal" no matter what I'm up against. I admit that I'm good in a crisis. I can handle rough things being thrown my way, but I crumble just like anyone else when it all gets piled on top of me. This week, it all keeps piling up. I miss Laurie, my assistant wants to quit, I think I should drop school, I have to prove to the government that I'm still a fairy princess, I'm broke, everyone I love is grieving.... I could go on, but it really doesn't help. Anyone who really knows me knows that the quickest way to break me is to take away my stability in my home. I need physical help to do almost EVERYTHING. Usually, this truth does not really bother me. In fact, rather then saying I have a "disability", we've taken to referring to these challenges as being a "Fairy Princess". It's like being royalty, without the media headaches. So the fact that I have to find a new person to care for me in the evenings on top of sorting through this grief,on top of proving to the state that I'm still a princess, is REALLY not good for me right now. I am hanging by a thin thread of sanity these days as it is. Please pray for me. I just can't handle one more thing right now...


Thank God for my upcoming vacation plans! I can't thank My friends enough for blessing me. It's the one thing that I'm looking forward to. It will be really nice to get away with my sister, and let sunshine, and Mickey Mouse soothe my weary heart.

As a Side Note:

A handful of people have told me this week that the love reading my blog. I'm honored that anyone even takes the time to read my babbling! =)

As a small experiment, I'd like to ask that anyone who feels up to it drop me a comment here on this entry. Words mean more to me than you may ever know. They help me to feel just a tiny bit less alone.

Thanks and God bless!

Mandy

The Song in my Heart...

Deep Enough To Dream
by Chris Rice

Lazy summer afternoon
Screened in porch and nothin' to do
I just kicked off my tennis shoes
Slouchin' in a plastic chair
Rakin' my fingers through my hair
I close my eyes and I leave them there
And I yawn, and sigh, and slowly fade away


Deep enough to dream in brilliant colors I have never seen
Deep enough to join a billion people for a wedding feast
Deep enough to reach out and touch the face of the One who made me
And oh, the love I feel, and oh the peace
Do I ever have to wake up


Awakened by a familiar sound
A clumsy fly is buzzin' around
He bumps the screen and he tumbles down
He gathers about his wits and pride
And tries again for the hundredth time'
Cause freedom calls from the other side
And I smile and nod, and slowly drift away


Deep enough to dream in brilliant colors I have never seen
Deep enough to join a billion people for a wedding feast
Deep enough to reach out and touch the face of the One who made me
And oh, the love I feel, and oh the peace
Do I ever have to wake up


'Cause peace is pouring over my soul
See the lambs and the lions playin'
I join in and I drink the music
Holiness is the air I'm breathin'
My faithful heroes break the bread and answer all of my questions
Not to mention what the streets are made of
My heart's held hostage by this love


And these brilliant colors I have never seen
I join a billion people for a wedding feast
And I reach out and touch the face of the One who made me
And oh, the love I feel, and oh the peace
Do I ever have to wake up
Do I ever have to wake up
Do I ever have to wake up
Do I really have to wake up now

Marika...

You know what I love most about Marie? It's the way she always shows up when I need her. If I think back on it, I'm reminded that is how she became my "sister" in the first place. For a long time, Marie was Heidi's friend that hung around our house. Then she morphed into one of those family members we all have. Kinda like a cousin you expect to see on national holidays... But from the moment my Mom died July 2, 1997.... Marie has been my sister. I couldn't ask for a more faithful friend. She just sees what needs to be done, and does it. I pray that everyone could have this kind of fellowship in their lives. Like all sisters, there are times we want to choke each other, but too, like all sisters, we find our way back together. I'm so blessed by my "add on Family". If you don't have one, you should really consider picking one up. That whole lie about blood being thicker than water... It's simply not true. Family is comprised of who holds you up when the world is beating you down. Marie is an intricate piece of my family puzzle. I thank God for bringing her into my life.

The Lies in my Head...

Satan is shouting in one ear. God is whispering in the other. Who will I believe? I am in the middle of a spiritual battleground. I feel it all around. Satan tells me I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not Holy enough, not tender enough. He tries to convince me that one person just isn't enough against all that this earth is throwing my way. And for a moment, I believe him. I think I should give up. I think "what's the point?" I feel so low in those times, that I may never resurface. And then Truth reveals Himself in these dark times. God has a plan. God wants to use me for His purpose. He can make all things new. There is hope in the Lord. He knows the plans He has for me... He never leaves me... I don't babble these things off as some lucky charm I use to comfort myself. These are not flowery ideas. This is the God I serve. In His truest form, God is love. So whatever else I'm feeling these days, I choose to stand on truth. I am broken, but God is still here.