This Song Reflects My Mood...

QUASIMODO

you can be right

and I'll be real

honesty won't be a pain that you'll have to feel

cause I don't need your approval

to find my worth

I'm trapped inside of my own mind

afraid to open my eyes cause of what I'd find and I

don't want to live like this anymore

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

there it goes

does it scare you that I can

be something different than you

would it make you feel more comfortable if I wasn't

you can't control me

and you can't take away from me who I am

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

you can't change me

you can't break me

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

have you ever felt

like your only comfort was your cage

you're not alone

I've felt the same as you

have you ever felt

like your secrets give you away

you're not alone

I've been there too

cause everyone is looking

and everyone is laughing but I think

everyone feels the same

everybody wants to feel ok

everybody wants to

everybody wants to feel

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

cause I don't want it

I don't want it

you can't change me

you can't break me

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

there it goes

Oops! I did it again...

Meet Cash Wembley Peszat (aka Diva's little brother).

Some may say I'm crazy.... That's alright with me! I don't expect anyone else to understand why I had to add this little cutie to my family. I've just decided life is short, and I want to be happy!

Mandy

Willow Creek

I've been a member of WCCC for the past 6 years. I've been an attender for 24 years. Having grown up in "the big church", there are a million things I take for granted when it comes to how ministry is done. I get frustrated when we are misunderstood. I get sad when we make mistakes. Yet always, I think we've been a church for the lost and the found. Even when I step away for a while, Willow still feels like home when I roll through the door.

If you get a chance, read today's post by Shaun Groves (see SHLOG in my links column). I found it interested from an outsiders perspective.

Good Weekend...

I spent the weekend with my best friend Kim. It was so nice to relax and just be...

I'm feeling a lot better this week. I'm making some drastic changes and my heart is better for it. I'll have to write about that later I suppose. For now, I hope all my readers have a blessed week.

Mandy

The Stuff Nobody Says...

I'm so tired of the perky shit. I'm just really done with worrying about how things appear on the outside. I'm not saying that being upbeat and happy means you're fake, but when things get ugly just stop sugar coating it. You want genuine? You want honest? Here goes...

I'm thankful I'm saved, but sometimes I want to punch God in His unseen face

I love my family, but I don't always like my family

I can't fix the world and I don't always see the point in trying

It feels like the only guys who find me attractive are fall down drunks

My body fat used to act like a shield, and now I feel naked

I can count my close friends on one hand with extra fingers

I still relive my mothers death in my mind

I may have already had the one great love of my life

I think it takes uncommon bravery to date me

I've never felt more alone than I have in resent months

Sometimes I think God is laughing at me

There are moments when I would trade anything to be able to do things myself

Why can't I just buy my sister a family?

The two times in my life that I felt suicidal were directly linked to my support system

Sometimes I'm an orphan

I wish I had been able to stop Laurie

I wish I could stop other smart people from making stupid choices

The last good night of sleep I had was on a cruise ship

The thought of dying young doesn't scare me, and I'm not suicidal

I'd like to get in a car and drive for hours

I long for the moment I can wake up from this twilight zone

I wish I would leave my mark on the world

It would be so nice if everyone said what they never say...

My Big Sister...

Have you ever been so blessed to know someone that it knocks you off your feet sometimes? That's Heidi Marie Miller for me. There are actually moments when I'm so thankful for this girl that tears well up in my eyes.
From the moment I was born, she's been my protector. This sweet, soft spoken lady has been fierce as a tiger when needed. Yet, she's so unimaginably gentle...
She has loved me more unconditionally than any other person in my life. She brings balance to my stormy nature and adores me despite all my huge flaws. She sees my ugly spots and she still keeps me.
Needing people gets old really fast. Sometimes I just want to melt away. Those are the times my Heidi steps in and does something to make me feel powerful again. She's been restoring my sense of self for as long as I can remember.
My sister and I compliment each other perfectly. I hold the lantern, and she chops the wood! It's so much more than how I know it looks on the outside. The dutiful big sister, and her needy crippled baby sister.... That's just not our story. We're a pair. A Ying & Yang. She needs me as much as I need her. I swear we were supposed to be conjoined twins, but God made me wait 5 years to be born. We are one heart functioning in to bodies. It's beautiful really. More people should experience this type of relationship.


Heidi,

I love you bigger than my biggest words. I thank God for making you. You are strong. You are beautiful. I will always stay standing tall. How do I know? Because you are my SISTER!

Mandy

A Toast!

Thank you for loving me

Thank you for looking after me

Thank you for your concern

Thank you for not judging me

Thank you for supporting me

Thanks for the shoulder

Thanks for the hug

Thanks for being there

Thanks for holding me up

For all the tears we've cried together

For all the late night laughter

For all the words of encouragement

For all the spilled out garbage

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

What else can I say but thank you to all my devoted friends

Whatever...

Alright God. I got the message. Thanks! I'll take this as a flaming "NO". On to stuff that matters...

Dear God,

I sit here today, and I wait for a miracle. You are capable of this, so please show up big! I'm trusting you to see this thing through. I'm asking you to get involved. I have waited patiently, but I'm done now. Please be the source of all good things. I can't take anymore. I'm at my last straw. Please be all powerful for me. Just this once.

Thank You,

Your Loving Daughter Mandy


1 Chronicles 4:10
He was the one who prayed to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and extend my lands! Please be with me in all that I do, and keep me from all trouble and pain!" And God granted him his request.

Wednesday Blessings!

I am a blessed girl! This morning when I got to work, my assistant surprised me with a lovely cup of Starbucks coffee and a gift card to buy another later. If you know me, you know that coffee is my "love language", my drug of choice, my favorite food group, and my over all joy! Starbucks is often referred to as my MOTHER SHIP... So, I'm sure you can imagine my delight. I'm continually amazed at how a small gesture like a cup of coffee can make a person feel valued. I wish everyone today Peace, Love, and Frappuccino!

The You Inside...

Who are we when no is watching? Have you ever noticed how contrasted this thing is? I can go from charming and sweet to rage filled and evil at the snap of the fingers. I'm constantly amazed at the amount of stuff we can keep to ourselves. How many times have I felt devastated inside, ad yet I smiled through it so I wouldn't weigh anyone else down. I shudder to think of all the times in my life that I looked someone in the eye, held a light conversation, and never let them see the real me. If I'm completely honest with myself, I've cursed Laurie a million times for being such a master at disguising pain. Yet I'm exactly the same. I tell myself strange little things. Like "there's no time for your problem", or "other people need more help than you". "Now is just not a good time for a melt down", or "there will be time for that later". The truth though.... My pain is as real and as pressing as anyone else's. My emotions are just as important as every one else's. There are no brownie points for holding it all together. No one will ever congratulate me for suffering silently. All that we have is today, and for today I choose to be genuine. I choose to speak truth. I will be broken and I will be brave. But mostly, I will be me...

Today Is My Baby's Birthday!

Double Trouble....

Yesterday when I got to work I was having a terrible toothache/headache. So, as I began typing my tooth cracked in half. Oh Joy! I left work at noon and ran to see my dentist. Apparently, I had a VERY dangerous infection in two of my teeth. I had to have an emergency DOUBLE root canal. Yes, that's right folks... Two at Once! I also couldn't be put under because of my low blood pressure. It was so not fun. I cried. A lot....

I went home and slept off the pain killers. And now I'm at work, trying to be useful as I'm all drugged up. I feel bruised and beaten. I wish I could go back to bed.

Vicodin is my friend.......

Family...

Today is my father's 59th birthday.

This Thursday my parents would have celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary.

It blows my mind how quickly time passes. It feels like only yesterday I was part of something that closely knit. There is something that happens at the core of a family that can not be explained properly. The daily living that goes on in your childhood home is like nothing else. I so miss the days of family vacations and time spent together.

Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

I swear there is a shortage out there. Is it too much to ask for one good guy? I'm not talking marriage material here (lets not get crazy), just someone date worthy. I'm not looking for something lasting, but whatever happened to having a laugh? Where are all the datable non apes?

Resting in the Hands of God...

I've always loved this picture. This baby was born 7 weeks premature (I was actually 8 weeks early myself), and yet here he is. He's alive and safe in capable hands.

My spirit has been wounded recently. I'm exhausted, both physically, and emotionally. I've felt more alone than I have in many years. Yet, I know I'm never really alone. The God of the universe is always holding me. So today I choose to be still, and know...
I am safe. I am loved. I am provided for. I am protected. I am on purpose. I am designed. I am worthy. I am secure. I belong. I fit in. I'm held. I'm treasured. I'm valued. I'm needed. I'm whole. And most importantly, I am already home.

I hope someone else benefits from this reminder today!

Shapshot

I haven't posted in a few days. I don't have much to say about all the obvious topics. So here is a brief overview of MandyLand:

Vegas was fun

My wheelchair got broken

I've been home from work

It's been 9 years since the worst day of my life

My wheelchair got fixed

I hired new assistants

My kidneys are junk

SummerFest ROCKS!

I'm retiring soon

Pool lift is almost bought

Thanks for stopping by. I'll post more important stuff later.

Mandy

My Favorite Part of the Trip!

This is me at the highest Starbucks in America. Kinda like a return to my Mother Ship!