This Girl I know...

I know this Lovely Girl

She has a smile as big as the sky

This Beautiful Girl brings hope to others

She has the gift of encouragement

This Fantastic Girl has carried deep pain in her heart

She has witnessed death firsthand

This Remarkable Girl forgets her own value

She doesn't see how much she is loved

This Sparkling Girl guards her emotions

She doesn't ever want to disappoint you

This Radiant Girl once lost hope

She decided to end her life...

Dear Laurie,

We're here again. Two years without my dear sweet girl. I so wish you hadn't left. You set the earth turning slightly off axis. Would you still have gone through with it if you knew how things would play out? I was right there. You could have opened up. I would have held you. I would have been brave and told you that you were not alone in your despair... I have a confession for you my Lovely, Beautiful, Fantastic, Remarkable, Sparkling, Radiant Girl..... These words I have written were not originally about you. It's part of something I wrote nine years ago in therapy after my own decision to leave. I too felt lost and alone. Isn't it funny how self involved suicide really is? Hopelessness momentarily blinds us from reality. If you had only told me that night two years ago how dark you really felt, I would have done anything in my power to show you a bit of light. But, you didn't do that did you? You left yourself no window. There was not the slightest hint to be seen. I've accepted that now. I couldn't save you from your choice because you didn't want to reach out for help. I think that stings the deepest. You were my friend Laurie. You were so much more than a cousin. I miss everything about you, and sometimes it steals my breath away. So today I'll tuck you away inside my heart and wait for the day I see you again. I love you Beautiful.

All my heart,

Mandy

Love, Cupid, and all that Crap...

Today is Valentine's Day. A day for everyone to celebrate the love that they are in. If you are in love, then I'm very happy for you and the joy that you feel on this day.

For the rest of us, this holiday is like Jewish folks at Christmas time.

So please excuse me if I don't gush poetic. I was told today that I "must be bitter because no one loves me on Valentine's Day". As if this holiday isn't already a kick in the teeth to all single people. Now those who are happily in relationships feel compelled to stomp on you while you're down.

Call me crazy, but I'm usually pretty happy on my own. I like knowing I'm complete all on my own. Does that make me wrong? Am I sick because I don't do well in a "we"? I guess so...

So this post I dedicate to all my single friends. I'll never use some bogus cliche like " the right person is out there. Just hang in there". Instead I'll say this one thing. "May you know yourself. May you love yourself enough to be solid on your own. If the right person comes your way, I hope you are happy enough with yourself that you're ready for it."

Just Had To Post...

Me & Diva this afternoon...

Resolution

In the new year it is customary to think of the word resolution in terms of one's resolve to improve or change something. People make resolutions that they live up to for about a week. The problem with this system is that no one ever really experiences a long term conversion.

This year my mind leans towards another meaning for the word. Resolution also means clarity, or sharpness. That is my own personal wish for this new year. I want to have a clear vision for my future. I want to know with certainty that I'm fulfilling my life's purpose. I'm praying that this year God will use my small life for great things. So many things have changed for me in the last few months. I need to believe I'm here for a reason.

Happy New Year all!

God bless!

Merry Christmas!

 

Christmas Already?

I can't believe we're here. I feel like we blink and the whole holiday season rushes by. So today I'll pause and reflect...


I love the way lights on a tree or a house make everything miraculous.
I can't ever get enough of fresh baking smells.
As much as I hate cold weather, snow is really quite beautiful from a window view.
I am lucky to have my friends.
I wish I could fix every broken thing.
Wouldn't it be neat to travel at the speed of love?
Has there ever been a better invention than gingerbread latte?
I want world peace for Christmas.

Happy Birthday to You

Happy Birthday to You

Happy Birthday Dear Jesus

Happy Birthday to YOU!

I have been thinking a lot lately about my beautiful "sister" Steph. She, just like a lot of ladies I know, seems to be continually selling her heart short on the wrong men. What is it about us that makes us so eager to fit a square peg into a round hole? We get so caught up in wanting to be loved by someone, anyone, that we blind ourselves to what God may actually have for us. Mr. Right may be walking into our lives and we're still hung up on some loser. I heard a song today that hit me personally between the eyes. I thought I would post the lyrics as a message to all the single girls I know. I love you Steph. You deserve nothing but the very best. Here's a toast to the good man who's waiting for exactly you. His dream girl...

Already Somebody's Lover
By:Mark Spiro

Maybe he lives in the city
Workin' on a college degree
Or maybe he's a boy in Paris
Tryin' to paint a picture of me

So I'm sorry that I can't go any further with you
And tonight may be a night I'll regret
But I'm already somebody's lover
He just hasn't found me yet

Maybe he works on the railroad
Or he's drivin' from town to town
Saving his pay for our wedding day
Then he's gonna settle down

He's just lookin' for a girl to send some flowers to
He's as honest and true as they get
See I'm already somebody's lover
He just hasn't found me yet

I see his face in my dreams every night
And I wake up with the taste on my lips
And he'll never pack it in or walk out on me
The way my father did

So I'm sorry that I can't go any further with you
And tonight may be a night I'll regret
But I'm already somebody's lover
He just hasn't found me yet

Happy Birthday Heidi!

Today is my big sister's birthday...

Heidi,

I wish all the best things! I can't wait to see where this year takes you.

Mandy

 

Cash Wembley...

Well folks, after two months of having little Cash in my home I've decided that I'm just not the best mom for him. I couldn't have asked for a sweeter little man. But, the truth is he's just not catching on to life with a Fairy Princess. After thoughtfully weighing my options, I have decided to send him to the one place I know he will be treated just as well as he would if I kept him as my own. Yep, he's now officially a Brown. Cash Wembley Brown. My best friend has welcomed him to her family with open arms. He now has a full house of folks to adore him and two big brothers to teach him the ropes. The best part is, I'll still get to be a part of his life. Everyone knows (with the exception of Ms Diva starbucks) I'm a better auntie anyhow! Thank you Kim for stepping in where I could not. I love you. Congrats on your new little boy!!! Too sweet....

Me and the little man....

This Weekend...

I had so much fun this weekend! I went to see Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D and have dinner with friends on Friday. WICKED on Saturday with Aunt Barb. Apple orchards and pumpkin carving with the girls on Sunday. What an incredible weekend! How lucky am I?

I hope everyone is enjoying this fall season like I am. As much as I truly HATE winter, there is something about this time of year that restores my hope. I love to see leaves change. It reminds me that we are here for a short time and we need to make the most of every opportunity...

I went to a pumpkin farm with the puppies this week. We had a blast and we took some cute photos. I love this time of year!

All of my "Baptism Buddies" at SoulFeast 2006

SoulFeast 2006

I can't describe how much my heart needed this getaway. What an awesome thing to be reminded of your true identity. I am a child of God. The creator of all things calls me "family". Such an amazing gift. I was reminded yet again, that He is all I'll ever need. I forget that sometimes, and become lost in my own longings. God spoke to me this weekend and he calmed an unsteady soul.
In celebration of my rejuvenated commitment to Christ, I was baptized on Saturday night. In true Fairy Princess Fashion, I was "dunked" in the hotel's hot tub! How great is that?!?
My beautiful sister cradled me as I went under the warm water. I was surrounded by loving friends. I died with Christ, and was raised to walk in new life with Him... I will forever be altered by this weekend with the ladies of Willow.

This Song Reflects My Mood...

QUASIMODO

you can be right

and I'll be real

honesty won't be a pain that you'll have to feel

cause I don't need your approval

to find my worth

I'm trapped inside of my own mind

afraid to open my eyes cause of what I'd find and I

don't want to live like this anymore

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

there it goes

does it scare you that I can

be something different than you

would it make you feel more comfortable if I wasn't

you can't control me

and you can't take away from me who I am

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

you can't change me

you can't break me

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

have you ever felt

like your only comfort was your cage

you're not alone

I've felt the same as you

have you ever felt

like your secrets give you away

you're not alone

I've been there too

cause everyone is looking

and everyone is laughing but I think

everyone feels the same

everybody wants to feel ok

everybody wants to

everybody wants to feel

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

cause I don't want it

I don't want it

you can't change me

you can't break me

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

there it goes

Oops! I did it again...

Meet Cash Wembley Peszat (aka Diva's little brother).

Some may say I'm crazy.... That's alright with me! I don't expect anyone else to understand why I had to add this little cutie to my family. I've just decided life is short, and I want to be happy!

Mandy

Willow Creek

I've been a member of WCCC for the past 6 years. I've been an attender for 24 years. Having grown up in "the big church", there are a million things I take for granted when it comes to how ministry is done. I get frustrated when we are misunderstood. I get sad when we make mistakes. Yet always, I think we've been a church for the lost and the found. Even when I step away for a while, Willow still feels like home when I roll through the door.

If you get a chance, read today's post by Shaun Groves (see SHLOG in my links column). I found it interested from an outsiders perspective.

Good Weekend...

I spent the weekend with my best friend Kim. It was so nice to relax and just be...

I'm feeling a lot better this week. I'm making some drastic changes and my heart is better for it. I'll have to write about that later I suppose. For now, I hope all my readers have a blessed week.

Mandy