I have witnessed true love this week.
I have seen how good it can be.
Thank you for showing me what is possible.
Thank you for getting it right.
I really needed to see it....
I wish you the very best!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Monday, March 02, 2009
We're Here Again...
Dear Laurie,
I still can't believe you aren't here. I close my eyes and I can still see your face. Your smile and your laugh are carried with me wherever I go... Always.
You would hardly recognize us now. We are all broken and rebuilt. Relationships have risen, and crumbled all in the time you've been gone. New children have been added to our mix. Life keeps rolling on yet you've missed so much!
I wish I could talk to you. I wish we could hold hands. I wish more than anything that you could take it all back.
I know that's not possible, so I'll try not to dwell on it. I'll see you again when my time is done here. Then maybe you can take a few thousand years to explain all this to me. Maybe we'll hold hands as we walk together... :)
I love you beautiful girl!
Mand
I still can't believe you aren't here. I close my eyes and I can still see your face. Your smile and your laugh are carried with me wherever I go... Always.
You would hardly recognize us now. We are all broken and rebuilt. Relationships have risen, and crumbled all in the time you've been gone. New children have been added to our mix. Life keeps rolling on yet you've missed so much!
I wish I could talk to you. I wish we could hold hands. I wish more than anything that you could take it all back.
I know that's not possible, so I'll try not to dwell on it. I'll see you again when my time is done here. Then maybe you can take a few thousand years to explain all this to me. Maybe we'll hold hands as we walk together... :)
I love you beautiful girl!
Mand
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Someone sent me this today....
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast.
You'll eventually lose someone you love.
Every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
A Blast From the Past...
This week I've been reunited with an old friend. I haven't seen her in 10 years, but I know instinctively that we will be able to pick up where our friendship left off... In fact, I think it will be stronger now than ever before. We have so much in common now. Life has dealt us both a difficult hand. I'm thankful to know I'm not alone. This Fairy Princess thing can be a real bitch sometimes! I've reconnected with the one friend I've ever had who knows this first hand.
I haven't put much stock in God's master plan lately. It feels like He's mostly busy been busy knocking me down, or stealing away the things I love. Even so, I have to believe this new development has a purpose. I'll have to keep my eyes, ears, and heart open.
For now though... WELCOME BACK KIMBER (Kiwi to those in the know) !!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Punched in the Heart...
It is a rare thing indeed when you can read something in blogland that really connects with your soul. My Aunt Gail used an expression in her journal that has so accurately described my feelings, I've felt the breath knock out of me.
Something so simple, and beautiful, and true.
They say that a soul goes through seasons. I am clearly experiencing a crisp winter myself. I'm tired. I am disillusioned. I am breaking. I wish I could play it all cool, and distant. I'd love to pretend that it's great. But, I've just never been wired that way. I am the one who calls a spade a spade. Right is still right, and wrong is still wrong. In some things there are no gray areas. I can not make truth any less honest for anyone.
This is painful.
This is bruising my heart...
"Punched in the heart..."
Something so simple, and beautiful, and true.
They say that a soul goes through seasons. I am clearly experiencing a crisp winter myself. I'm tired. I am disillusioned. I am breaking. I wish I could play it all cool, and distant. I'd love to pretend that it's great. But, I've just never been wired that way. I am the one who calls a spade a spade. Right is still right, and wrong is still wrong. In some things there are no gray areas. I can not make truth any less honest for anyone.
This is painful.
This is bruising my heart...
Sunday, November 16, 2008
WOW!
I have to say this weekend has been truly excellent!
This Friday I did something I haven't done in 11 yrs. I went out to dinner, and a movie with my whole family! I never thought I'd live to see that happen... It made me feel a small tingle of genuine joy. I haven't felt it in a long while.
I also spent time with some of my favorite people Saturday night. I went to see BOLT in 3D. Super cute! Go see it if you need to smile.
Christmas is right around the corner. I'm not really ready for it. I'm hoping I can get passed the stress of gifting, and focus on the wonder of the season. After all, what can we ever buy that compares to the true Gift of the season?
This Friday I did something I haven't done in 11 yrs. I went out to dinner, and a movie with my whole family! I never thought I'd live to see that happen... It made me feel a small tingle of genuine joy. I haven't felt it in a long while.
I also spent time with some of my favorite people Saturday night. I went to see BOLT in 3D. Super cute! Go see it if you need to smile.
Christmas is right around the corner. I'm not really ready for it. I'm hoping I can get passed the stress of gifting, and focus on the wonder of the season. After all, what can we ever buy that compares to the true Gift of the season?
Sunday, August 17, 2008
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way Home Last Night
Like any good story, I'll begin with this...
Well what had happened was...
Heidi, Marie, and I had gone to the Kenosha County fair. We had a fun time! We laughed, and played games. I even won a monkey! :)
Then around 11pm as Marie was returning me to my house, my car began making strange noises. We pulled over in Johnsburg and noticed that the car was smoking. NOT good!
So we called my dad to ask if we should stay put, or attempt to get me back home. As most of you know this van is the only vehicle available that can fit my wheelchair. Dad suggests that we cautiously head for my house and he would come over in the morning to fix it. Only problem is that as we get back in motion, the strange noises stop and now the battery light thingy in the dash is lit. Also, Marie is losing the ability to control the steering. YAY! We called my Dad again and he now says to try making it to his house. He will find some way to get me home...
We were plugging along to dad's place, and had made it to his street when the blinky engine danger noise started up. The van is over heating and as we parked in front of his house we were fully expecting the van would be blowing up soon. YIKES!
At this point, Marie and I have decided to walk home. The distance is really not too terrible, and it isn't much worse than the daily trek I used to have through the streets of Chicago. Only, in McHenry it is dark and there aren't really sidewalks. :D Don't worry though! My Dad gave us flashlights. Including one special light that I could wear on my HEAD! That's right folks, I had an actual headlight! I looked like one of the freaks from 16 CANDLES (i.e John Cusack)...
So as Marie and I are walking along River Rd, my father begins to follow us in his car to protect us from other cars. However, he starting yelling confusing instructions as to where he wanted us to walk. At one point he actually called me an asshole (I found this to be hysterical!). We parted ways with him on Miller Rd...
As we were walking, the craziness of our little adventure begins to settle in and Marie, and I get the giggles. Here I am like a jackass with the miners light strapped to my head. Walking home at midnight because my car almost blew up!
And then the police show up...
Apparently, someone reported as as "suspicious activity"! Two cop cars arrive on the scene to make sure we aren't terrorists or something... They make us wait for like 20 minutes, offer us no assistance, and finally send us on our way... Did I mention that while we were waiting with the police for their non-service I begin to laugh so hard I was crying? Marie was afraid they would think we were drunk. Its that laughter that only occurs in a mild crisis.... I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about...
The rest of our journey would have been considered smooth, as long as you leave out the part where my wheelchair started to die on Route 31... Poor Marie's little feet were killing her by the time we walked into my apartment. I've never been so happy to be home!
How was YOUR weekend?
Well what had happened was...
Heidi, Marie, and I had gone to the Kenosha County fair. We had a fun time! We laughed, and played games. I even won a monkey! :)
Then around 11pm as Marie was returning me to my house, my car began making strange noises. We pulled over in Johnsburg and noticed that the car was smoking. NOT good!
So we called my dad to ask if we should stay put, or attempt to get me back home. As most of you know this van is the only vehicle available that can fit my wheelchair. Dad suggests that we cautiously head for my house and he would come over in the morning to fix it. Only problem is that as we get back in motion, the strange noises stop and now the battery light thingy in the dash is lit. Also, Marie is losing the ability to control the steering. YAY! We called my Dad again and he now says to try making it to his house. He will find some way to get me home...
We were plugging along to dad's place, and had made it to his street when the blinky engine danger noise started up. The van is over heating and as we parked in front of his house we were fully expecting the van would be blowing up soon. YIKES!
At this point, Marie and I have decided to walk home. The distance is really not too terrible, and it isn't much worse than the daily trek I used to have through the streets of Chicago. Only, in McHenry it is dark and there aren't really sidewalks. :D Don't worry though! My Dad gave us flashlights. Including one special light that I could wear on my HEAD! That's right folks, I had an actual headlight! I looked like one of the freaks from 16 CANDLES (i.e John Cusack)...
So as Marie and I are walking along River Rd, my father begins to follow us in his car to protect us from other cars. However, he starting yelling confusing instructions as to where he wanted us to walk. At one point he actually called me an asshole (I found this to be hysterical!). We parted ways with him on Miller Rd...
As we were walking, the craziness of our little adventure begins to settle in and Marie, and I get the giggles. Here I am like a jackass with the miners light strapped to my head. Walking home at midnight because my car almost blew up!
And then the police show up...
Apparently, someone reported as as "suspicious activity"! Two cop cars arrive on the scene to make sure we aren't terrorists or something... They make us wait for like 20 minutes, offer us no assistance, and finally send us on our way... Did I mention that while we were waiting with the police for their non-service I begin to laugh so hard I was crying? Marie was afraid they would think we were drunk. Its that laughter that only occurs in a mild crisis.... I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about...
The rest of our journey would have been considered smooth, as long as you leave out the part where my wheelchair started to die on Route 31... Poor Marie's little feet were killing her by the time we walked into my apartment. I've never been so happy to be home!
How was YOUR weekend?
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Rescue Me...
Today after nearly a decade of living alone... I had my very first run in with 911. For reasons unknown I fell down today. Thankfully my cell phone fell also. I was able to phone for help and now I'm back on track. It's an odd thing needing people. You don't always realize how odd until you are on the floor... Today I can honestly relate to the "help, I've fallen and I can't get up" lady!
Friday, August 08, 2008
Heidi Peszat
I wish for great things
I wish you everything good and strong
I hold your sadness in my own heart
I smile at your independence
Welcome back to yourself
Welcome to courage
You are beautiful
You are brave
You are a Peszat again
I love you bigger than words. I can't wait to see where you go from here.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
This morning was okay... Aunt Karen and Steph both called to tell me they love me and that their thoughts were with me today. I really needed that. There's something about this terrible anniversary that forever ties me to Steph. That was the day we went from "cousins" to "SISTERS". Eleven years ago today, Steph held me together when my world broke apart. I'm only heartbroken to know that this year Steph had to learn the sting of that kind of lose. I wish I could have spared her that...
My Dad stopped by today. That's when today got lots worse. I can say that here because as he says "I don't want to read your blog. Who can stand all that stuff?"
I wish I remembered the me from back then. Something died inside of me then and there's just no getting it back.
Sorry this post isn't all motivational and moving. I just can't manage that today. I miss my Mother. I hate that I know her last moments. It stings to carry that. I can't pretend it doesn't.
My Dad stopped by today. That's when today got lots worse. I can say that here because as he says "I don't want to read your blog. Who can stand all that stuff?"
I wish I remembered the me from back then. Something died inside of me then and there's just no getting it back.
Sorry this post isn't all motivational and moving. I just can't manage that today. I miss my Mother. I hate that I know her last moments. It stings to carry that. I can't pretend it doesn't.
The Song That Needs To Spill Out...
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
Friday, June 20, 2008
Happy Birthday...
Ten birthdays in heaven... Do they celebrate there? I hope you're having a wonderful afterlife. I can't believe how long it's been since I've seen your face. You know what hurts the most? A mother's love is unconditional. You were the one person who loved me no matter what. I don't have that now. I have an empty space where you used to be. I miss just talking to you. I miss kissing your forehead when you were tying my shoes...
Would you like me now? Would you be proud of who I've become? I hope you see a bit of you when you look at me. I'd like that.
I love you. I'm thankful for the 17 years that I knew you. I look forward to seeing you again one day.... Until then... HAPPY BIRTHDAY lovely!
Your Little Pixie,
Mandy
Would you like me now? Would you be proud of who I've become? I hope you see a bit of you when you look at me. I'd like that.
I love you. I'm thankful for the 17 years that I knew you. I look forward to seeing you again one day.... Until then... HAPPY BIRTHDAY lovely!
Your Little Pixie,
Mandy
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Too Awesome for WORDS!!!!
It is official... Benjamin Batey Fradin is a WALKING LITTLE MAN!!! Just in time for his birthday party, Ben decided to pull an extra miracle out of his hat! I am so IMPRESSED! He is Just the absolute definition of HOPE!
June 7th...
Dear Laurie,
Today is your birthday and I can't believe you're missing it. You're missing a lot actually... Babies, Heartaches, and Weddings for example.Our Steph was married last week. She held out for true love for so long and you missed out on celebrating that with her. Could you see us from where you are? Its been so long since I've seen the dimensional you. I'm starting to see you in picture form in my mind. I always think of that last Sunday together. So many words said and none of them the right ones. If there was any thought in my head that within the following week I would lose you, I wonder what I might have done differently. I guess when you hug someone for the last time, that hug is burned into you. I can still feel you there against my heart... The other day I was listening to this song and it struck me in a new "laurie" way. It was never meant for our situation, and yet it rings true. So today I post these lyrics and this letter. Today I put down another small piece of the broken pain you left me. I love you Beautiful! I carry you in what's left of my heart.
Happy Birthday!
Mandy
"Who Knew"
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
Friday, June 06, 2008
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Beautiful Girl!
This picture makes me happy!This is my niece Maya wearing her birthday jewelery. I found this Hello Kitty set and new that she had to have it. The best part of this picture though is the jammies my little girlie girl is wearing. TINK! Yeah, she's definitely related... :)
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Fabulous!
My little sister is MARRIED! Yesterday I was honored to be a part of Steph & Andy's big day. I am so happy for these two! I'll post pictures later. For now I'd just like to wish the newlyweds well, and send them to St. Thomas with all of my love and best wishes!
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