Gravity...

It seems to me that life never really allows you to forget your place. I have moments when I'm literally caught off guard by my reality. Did you know that I am disabled!?! I swear to God sometimes I forget. I occasionally need to remind myself that there are people in the world who do not live like I do.

For example:

Some people get out of bed whenever they feel like it

Some people use their bathtub as a place for solitude

Some woman get men who want them just for their bodies

Some people get to hug first

Some people can pee without a schedule

Some people can get in a car and go

Don't get me wrong! I love my life. I think I'm good at it. Yet I can't help but wonder what all that freedom feels like...

A Smile On My Face...

Who could look at this and not feel that the world just got slightly better?

Welcome HOME!

Home...

You never saw this place, but I think you would like it. I've often thought of you here. I picture coffee, laughter, and all night Disneyfests. I sometimes think you'd be pleased with who I've become. There is so much of you weaved through my identity. Every now and again I even see your facial expressions in the mirror. I hear your giggle hidden inside my own.
I miss you so much. The world hasn't created enough words to describe what's in my heart. It's far more complex than I can share here. Just know that I carry you in my heart. You are with me wherever I am. You are a part of my home. Your legacy lives on.

Your Little Pixie

Very Strange Weekend...

At the fork in the road, I must choose left or right. I take a deep breath and I choose me...

Best Quote of the Week...

"Oh my God... I would have totally brought you coffee if I new your ex was gay!"

Sunday...

I am not a Mother. I do not have a Mother. Mother's Day is a painful day for me. If you've lost your Mother, and you have not created children of your own, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone else will just read this, and find me bitter. I can live with that.

What I do have is Diva Starbucks. My puppy love... My faithful friend and companion. Its a kind of Motherhood. This love I have for Diva is unconditional. From the moment I first held her I knew we were Family. She is my heart. She is my protector. She is a blanket heater on cold nights. Diva sticks up for me. She cares how I'm feeling. This little puppy is tuned in to me. I know I was meant to be Diva's Mom. So for every Puppy Mom out there today...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

29...

This is exactly the way it should be. A great group of friends and a celebration. Flaming sugar free cupcakes too! :) I am seriously blessed...

Mr. Snuffelupagus...

Happy 40th Birthday!

Make this year your best yet....

Jesus Christ...

The only life that ever really made sense.

The only death that ever really made sense.

Thank you for loving us that much!

Thank You...

I have witnessed true love this week.
I have seen how good it can be.
Thank you for showing me what is possible.
Thank you for getting it right.

I really needed to see it....


I wish you the very best!

Sigh...

Get out of your head!!!!

It's dark in there and full of crap....

We're Here Again...

Dear Laurie,

I still can't believe you aren't here. I close my eyes and I can still see your face. Your smile and your laugh are carried with me wherever I go... Always.

You would hardly recognize us now. We are all broken and rebuilt. Relationships have risen, and crumbled all in the time you've been gone. New children have been added to our mix. Life keeps rolling on yet you've missed so much!

I wish I could talk to you. I wish we could hold hands. I wish more than anything that you could take it all back.

I know that's not possible, so I'll try not to dwell on it. I'll see you again when my time is done here. Then maybe you can take a few thousand years to explain all this to me. Maybe we'll hold hands as we walk together... :)

I love you beautiful girl!

Mand

Someone sent me this today....

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast.

You'll eventually lose someone you love.

Every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

A Blast From the Past...

This week I've been reunited with an old friend. I haven't seen her in 10 years, but I know instinctively that we will be able to pick up where our friendship left off... In fact, I think it will be stronger now than ever before. We have so much in common now. Life has dealt us both a difficult hand. I'm thankful to know I'm not alone. This Fairy Princess thing can be a real bitch sometimes! I've reconnected with the one friend I've ever had who knows this first hand.

I haven't put much stock in God's master plan lately. It feels like He's mostly busy been busy knocking me down, or stealing away the things I love. Even so, I have to believe this new development has a purpose. I'll have to keep my eyes, ears, and heart open.

For now though... WELCOME BACK KIMBER (Kiwi to those in the know) !!!

Punched in the Heart...

It is a rare thing indeed when you can read something in blogland that really connects with your soul. My Aunt Gail used an expression in her journal that has so accurately described my feelings, I've felt the breath knock out of me.

"Punched in the heart..."

Something so simple, and beautiful, and true.

They say that a soul goes through seasons. I am clearly experiencing a crisp winter myself. I'm tired. I am disillusioned. I am breaking. I wish I could play it all cool, and distant. I'd love to pretend that it's great. But, I've just never been wired that way. I am the one who calls a spade a spade. Right is still right, and wrong is still wrong. In some things there are no gray areas. I can not make truth any less honest for anyone.

This is painful.

This is bruising my heart...

WOW!

I have to say this weekend has been truly excellent!

This Friday I did something I haven't done in 11 yrs. I went out to dinner, and a movie with my whole family! I never thought I'd live to see that happen... It made me feel a small tingle of genuine joy. I haven't felt it in a long while.

I also spent time with some of my favorite people Saturday night. I went to see BOLT in 3D. Super cute! Go see it if you need to smile.

Christmas is right around the corner. I'm not really ready for it. I'm hoping I can get passed the stress of gifting, and focus on the wonder of the season. After all, what can we ever buy that compares to the true Gift of the season?

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way Home Last Night

Like any good story, I'll begin with this...

Well what had happened was...

Heidi, Marie, and I had gone to the Kenosha County fair. We had a fun time! We laughed, and played games. I even won a monkey! :)

Then around 11pm as Marie was returning me to my house, my car began making strange noises. We pulled over in Johnsburg and noticed that the car was smoking. NOT good!
So we called my dad to ask if we should stay put, or attempt to get me back home. As most of you know this van is the only vehicle available that can fit my wheelchair. Dad suggests that we cautiously head for my house and he would come over in the morning to fix it. Only problem is that as we get back in motion, the strange noises stop and now the battery light thingy in the dash is lit. Also, Marie is losing the ability to control the steering. YAY! We called my Dad again and he now says to try making it to his house. He will find some way to get me home...
We were plugging along to dad's place, and had made it to his street when the blinky engine danger noise started up. The van is over heating and as we parked in front of his house we were fully expecting the van would be blowing up soon. YIKES!

At this point, Marie and I have decided to walk home. The distance is really not too terrible, and it isn't much worse than the daily trek I used to have through the streets of Chicago. Only, in McHenry it is dark and there aren't really sidewalks. :D Don't worry though! My Dad gave us flashlights. Including one special light that I could wear on my HEAD! That's right folks, I had an actual headlight! I looked like one of the freaks from 16 CANDLES (i.e John Cusack)...
So as Marie and I are walking along River Rd, my father begins to follow us in his car to protect us from other cars. However, he starting yelling confusing instructions as to where he wanted us to walk. At one point he actually called me an asshole (I found this to be hysterical!). We parted ways with him on Miller Rd...
As we were walking, the craziness of our little adventure begins to settle in and Marie, and I get the giggles. Here I am like a jackass with the miners light strapped to my head. Walking home at midnight because my car almost blew up!

And then the police show up...

Apparently, someone reported as as "suspicious activity"! Two cop cars arrive on the scene to make sure we aren't terrorists or something... They make us wait for like 20 minutes, offer us no assistance, and finally send us on our way... Did I mention that while we were waiting with the police for their non-service I begin to laugh so hard I was crying? Marie was afraid they would think we were drunk. Its that laughter that only occurs in a mild crisis.... I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about...

The rest of our journey would have been considered smooth, as long as you leave out the part where my wheelchair started to die on Route 31... Poor Marie's little feet were killing her by the time we walked into my apartment. I've never been so happy to be home!

How was YOUR weekend?

Rescue Me...

Today after nearly a decade of living alone... I had my very first run in with 911. For reasons unknown I fell down today. Thankfully my cell phone fell also. I was able to phone for help and now I'm back on track. It's an odd thing needing people. You don't always realize how odd until you are on the floor... Today I can honestly relate to the "help, I've fallen and I can't get up" lady!

Heidi Peszat

I wish for great things

I wish you everything good and strong

I hold your sadness in my own heart

I smile at your independence

Welcome back to yourself

Welcome to courage

You are beautiful

You are brave

You are a Peszat again

I love you bigger than words. I can't wait to see where you go from here.

This morning was okay... Aunt Karen and Steph both called to tell me they love me and that their thoughts were with me today. I really needed that. There's something about this terrible anniversary that forever ties me to Steph. That was the day we went from "cousins" to "SISTERS". Eleven years ago today, Steph held me together when my world broke apart. I'm only heartbroken to know that this year Steph had to learn the sting of that kind of lose. I wish I could have spared her that...

My Dad stopped by today. That's when today got lots worse. I can say that here because as he says "I don't want to read your blog. Who can stand all that stuff?"

I wish I remembered the me from back then. Something died inside of me then and there's just no getting it back.

Sorry this post isn't all motivational and moving. I just can't manage that today. I miss my Mother. I hate that I know her last moments. It stings to carry that. I can't pretend it doesn't.