This morning was okay... Aunt Karen and Steph both called to tell me they love me and that their thoughts were with me today. I really needed that. There's something about this terrible anniversary that forever ties me to Steph. That was the day we went from "cousins" to "SISTERS". Eleven years ago today, Steph held me together when my world broke apart. I'm only heartbroken to know that this year Steph had to learn the sting of that kind of lose. I wish I could have spared her that...

My Dad stopped by today. That's when today got lots worse. I can say that here because as he says "I don't want to read your blog. Who can stand all that stuff?"

I wish I remembered the me from back then. Something died inside of me then and there's just no getting it back.

Sorry this post isn't all motivational and moving. I just can't manage that today. I miss my Mother. I hate that I know her last moments. It stings to carry that. I can't pretend it doesn't.

The Song That Needs To Spill Out...

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake

A smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I watched you die

I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry in the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you

Because of you