New Year, New beginning...

Speaking only for myself, I am seriously ready for a new year. This year has brought many wonderful things (Disney World, Reece, Diva) but on the whole it's been pure crap. My family has bookeneded this year in heartbreak and tragedy. I'm done. I'm tired of the whole thing.
Laurie once said that people will always fail you, but God never does. I believed that then, and I believe that now. I just wish I had known at the time that it was true of all people. In this year alone, Laurie has done more damage to my major relationships, than all the heartaches of my 25 years combined...
The worst part though, is that the part that went spiraling downhill hasn't quite repaired itself yet. The ripple effect of hurt keeps moving along. I could handle that, if it were not for the pain I see in the eyes of my niece and nephews. Every day we all lose a chunk of our innocence. The sparkle dims a bit and we learn to "handle" one more "thing". My heart burns for my family. I wish I could freeze time and bubble wrap the broken bits.
I can't fix it though. I have no power here. So, instead I'll do the only thing that matters. I will choose to daily consult the Maker of All Things. If He can form the heavens and the earth, surely He can look after one small suburban family. I am praying for small miracles.

I pray that in 2006 He:

settles the heart of the restless

heals the womb of the childless

brings a smile to the face of the children

heals the illness within us

gives us all a renewed sense of security

lifts the burden of grief from our shoulders

brings peace and joy to our world

I'm so tired of running in circles. This New Year I vow to stop. We only get one turn around on this great ride called life. Lets not squander it. Let's all try to remember that every moment is truly a gift!

Happy New Year!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Marie!

I hope this year is full of all the wonderful things that God has for you. I love you BUNCHES, and I'm so glad that you are my family!

Love,
Mandy

Christmas Reminder Part 3

I knew as this season approached, that finding the joy of Christmas would be a challenge this year. So many heartaches...Too many changes. Most of the people dear to me have been walking wounded for months. And it's not just Laurie's death... Although it's a HUGE part of it all.

I have friends who are lonely and praying to find the love of their lives. They struggle between what is available, and what God has in store for them. The holidays seem to bring the emptiness into sharp relief. I pray they have patience, and an open heart.

Illness has attacked so many people around me. In the last few weeks alone, I've seen friends cope with cancer, heart disease, kidney failure, and chronic fatigue. I pray for wellness and healing.

My beloved sister has been waiting for a miracle. She wants to be a mom more than anything on Earth. Each month that goes by becomes more discouraging. I pray that God bless her with the desire of her heart. I so want to see her fulfill a role that she's already perfected... Nurturer.

People I love are lost and hurting. Bruised and damaged on the inside. Every fiber of my being wishes I could "make it all better". All that I can do is pray for supernatural involvement. Only the God of the universe can heal this brokenness.

Depression seems to have gripped a handful of those I'm closest to. Hopelessness seems to be settling like a fog. I pray for purpose and impact. That we would live boldly in the image of our maker. May we make a difference in this world not because of who we are, but what we are. Children of God!

Add to this list: war, famine, aids, hunger, persecution, natural disasters, homelessness, and poverty. It's enough to make us all give up!

And then I remember Jesus.

The miracle of Christmas. The Gift of Christmas. God among us. The Savior of the world. He appeared and a soul felt it's worth. No matter what this world throws at us, it is all made right again through this one Man. He came to seek and save the lost. He came to restore what we've destroyed. He came to set us free.

I have to be honest, this year has pretty much SUCKED from beginning to end. Yet I know that even a year is nothing in heaven's timeline. One day I'll see the big picture, and none of this horrendous pain will matter anymore.

Until then I'll take my joy where I can find it. And I'll try to leave my corner of existence a little nicer than I found it.

Peace & Hope to you all this Christmas!

Mandy

Amen...

Welcome To Our World

Tears are falling, hearts are breaking

How we need to hear from God

You've been promised, we've been waiting

Welcome Holy Child

Welcome Holy Child

Hope that you don't mind our manger

How I wish we would have known

But Long-awaited Holy Stranger

Make yourself at home

Please make yourself at home

Bring your peace into our violence

Bid our hungry souls be filled

Word now breaking Heaven's silence

Welcome to our world

Welcome to our world

Fragile fingers sent to heal us

Tender brow prepared for thorns

Tiny heart whose blood will save us

Unto us is born

Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around you

Breathe our air and walk our sod

Rob our sin and make us holy

Perfect Son of God

Perfect Son of God

Welcome to our world

The Song In My Head...

Home Tonight

I've come to my senses

How did I get so far from home

The lies dissipating

Revealing I'm so alone

And I remember now how strong love can be

And I wonder how did I ever leave

Burn your fire on the altar

Leave a candle on the porch

I'm still too far away to see it

But I'm aching for its warmth

And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome

But still I hear your song inside

So sing it louder if you want me home tonight

Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm coming home tonight

This isn't the first time

I've wandered away from home before

You'd have every reason

To slam and dead-bolt the door

But I remember now how strong your love can be

And I wonder how you might welcome me

Burn your fire on the altar

Leave a candle on the porch

I'm still too far away to see it

But I'm aching for its warmth

And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome

But still I hear your song inside

So sing it louder if you want me home tonight

Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm coming home tonight

Into your arms, to my back yard

Where I used to play

How I miss the days...

So burn your fire on the altar

Leave a candle on the porch

I'm still too far away to see it

But I'm aching for its warmth

And I'm so tired and cold and dark and lonesome

But still I hear your song inside

So sing it louder if you want me home tonight

Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm coming home tonight

There are times when I'm warmed by the fact that God never slams the door in my face. No matter how far I wander, I can always come home to open arms. It's at the very core of what it means to have been saved by grace. This song comforted me a great deal in march... For some reason, its playing in my heart this week. So I thought I'd share it with you all.

Many Blessings,

Mandy

Christmas Reminder Part 2

Today I can't help but think about Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.

You can't help but appreciate Joseph as an adoptive parent. Of all the honored positions in history, no other man can ever say he was entrusted with raising, and protecting God. What an awesome responsibility! And Mary! I get goose bumps when I think of what it must have been like for her. Imagine explaining to your parents that you're pregnant, unwed, but it's all good because it was God's baby! Talk about a rocky beginning! I think one of the reasons God allowed Joseph to deliver the Baby himself, was so that he and Mary were in it together right from the start. God is clever that way.

But what really pulls at my heart is the thought that from the moment Jesus was born, they knew He was going to die a horrible death. They had been raised on the prophesies of the coming Messiah. That had to have known that this beautiful Baby would one day be tortured. God knew it too. Yet still He came.

No one forced Jesus to come to our world. He willingly came to embrace the human experience. He could have appeared as an adult, fully equipped to begin His teaching. He could have stayed on earth for a year and then returned to His rightful place. 33 years... I'm humbled and honored to be loved this much.

Top Five Christmas Movie Quotes

1.) Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol? - Clark W.Griswold (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation)

2.)It's Christmas Eve. It's-it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we-we-we smile a little easier, we-w-w-we-we-we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be.- Frank Cross (Scrooged)

3.)It was the classic mother B.B. gun block: "You'll shoot your eye out." That deadly phrase uttered many times before by hundreds of mothers, was not surmountable by any means known to kiddom.- Ralphie Parker (A Christmas Story)

4.)What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary. -George Bailey (It's a Wonderful Life)

5.)You see, Mrs. Walker, this is quite an opportunity for me. For the past 50 years or so I've been getting more and more worried about Christmas. Seems we're all so busy trying to beat the other fellow in making things go faster and look shinier and cost less that Christmas and I are sort of getting lost in the shuffle. -Kris Kringle (Miracle on 34th Street)

Dear Laurie,

So many things I'd like to say, but none of it really matters. My feelings, or opinions on any given subject don't really change a thing. It's Christmas. You're gone. This sucks.

This weekend, I was reminded again of how much you've already missed. Heidi and I babysat Hayden and Reece Saturday. Hayden is growing like a weed. He's such a sweet little man. And REECE! Laurie, he's the happiest baby you've ever seen! But you haven't seen... You didn't get to meet this nephew. My heart aches with the realization that all these beautiful children in our family are going to miss out on growing up with Aunt Laurie.

You missed the ornament exchange. Club met at Jen's house Sunday. We drank egg nog and listened to Steph and Heidi recite The Night Before Christmas. We laughed, and enjoyed ourselves. It was good to be together. There is a scar on our "club" though. We feel your absence and it wounds us. You've wounded a lot of folks with your leaving...

Are you sorry at all? Does Heaven allow you to see the aftermath? These are questions that can't be answered, but I think them anyway. I know that one day I'll see you again. I know that the joyful spirit of my beautiful girl will be revived when next we meet. I'm pretty sure I won't even be angry anymore. But for now Laur, in this moment, today I'm angry. I can't help it. I can't stop it. You killed my friend. And I'm angry.

I love you Laurie. I can still do that when I'm angry, because that's what family is. I love you bigger than you know. Hug my Mom for me. Sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. I'll talk to you again soon.

All my Heart,
Mandy

Christmas Reminder Part 1

I've decided that my heart needs to recalibrate in order to survive Christmas this year. So once a week until Christmas, I'm going to post something here that reflects the true reason to find joy in this Holiday. Today, It's song lyrics...

"Take A Walk Through Bethlehem"

The city's decorated up for Christmas

All the stores are open late tonight

People hurry through the frozen streets

I take a walk...

Every child has a thousand wishes

Every window has a thousand lights

Every soul has a need for peace

I take a walk...

There's a star that still outshines the night

You can find it if you close your eyes

And see the light

Take a walk through Bethlehem

Come and kneel before the lamb

Good news for every man

Walk through Bethlehem

Every night another TV special

Merchants counting down the shopping days

But something's missing underneath the tree

I take a walk...

'Cause every heart longs for more than tinsel

Something more than just a holiday

Come and celebrate the baby King

Let's take a walk...

You don't have to travel anywhere

Faith and hope and love will bring you there

Bring you there

Take a walk through Bethlehem

Come and kneel before the lamb

Good news for every man

Walk through Bethlehem

Dear Friend,

I see your struggle, and my heart aches for you. You are a child of God. That makes you royalty! Never forget who you are, and who you belong too. Things have been so stressful lately. I wish I could take it all away. I wish you peace, unconditional love, and all the blessings this life can afford. I'm always here for you. I know you feel discouraged, but know that God's timing is perfect. The longings of your heart will be fulfilled one day. Trust that your Heavenly Father has it all in control. Don't give up! I'm glad you let me be a part of your life. I will always be here to cry together when crying is called for, and to dance with you when celebration is in order. For all the times in between, I'll just be there to make you laugh!

I carry you in my heart, and I thought maybe you needed to know that today.

In Him,

Mandy

Oh, What A Weekend...

Retelling the story of this past weekend seems like a feat in itself. I have experienced a great many highs and several floor dropping lows in the past two days. Yet strangely, when all is said and done, I can say this was a fantastic weekend!

On Saturday morning I was supposed to go swimming. Sadly, that never happened. Instead I got up slowly and prepared myself for a "veg day". I was going to bake splenda&spice cookies and wrap Christmas gifts. I planned to drink coffee and take it easy. Anyone who knows me, knows that my joy comes from days in my jammies. Then Teri called and asked if I would mind having her and Kevin stop by. They wanted to bring their steam cleaner to my house and revived my battered off white couch. Before they came over I had planned to run to the grocery store, but my van was not loving the cold weather and the engine kept stalling. I would now be stuck at home. I called Heidi to share my dilemma (that's what sisters do). I asked her where she was and what her plans were for the day. Imagine my surprise when she said "I'm sitting in your van, and I was able to get it running fine"! Heidi, Teri, and Kevin all arrived at my door at the same time. In about two hours my couch went from something that looked beyond repair to something fresh and beautiful! I was stunned! Teri, and Kevin left and I was headed out with Heidi for a fun filled afternoon of Christmas shopping. Yipee! I love days like this...

Until a truly bizarre twist of fate landed Heidi and I in a car accident at the end of my very street. We had barely left my house! We were at the end of my street waiting to turn, when a young kid in a blazer took the turn too vast for icy conditions. The driver side doors are both smashed in. None of us was hurt, just badly shaken. We called the police, and my father. Things were worked out fairly quickly, but there is still the concern about how I'm going to get around while my van is being repaired... YIKES!

So, broken door and all, Heidi and I headed to Kenosha. We ate dinner at Cracker Barrel, and did a ton of Christmas shopping. We shared a giggle when our waitress said "drive careful" as she handed us the check. Heidi was in the middle of filling out the accident report as she said it! On the ride home I was hyped on caffeine and I kept making Heidi sing along with me to the "Walk The Line" soundtrack. You may not know it to look at her, but Heidi does an excellent impersonation of Jerry Lee Lewis...

Sunday, I had my yearly, "Christmas Day" with my best friend Kim. We exchanged gifts and watched movies. I love spending time with Kim. Kim loves spending time with Diva. I think I'm in second place now. =) Kim and I were watching "Freaks and Geeks" when Heidi called to say that Jim's close friend Tim had passed suddenly the night before. I've actually spent some time with both Tim, and his wife Penny. This is such a sad loss of such a nice man. He was only 36. Please be praying for the family. Pray also for Jim. This is going to be hard on him. Sunday afternoon, Heidi called again and said she really just wanted to get out. We decided to take my dad and his wife out to see "Walk The Line"(I've now seen it three times). Wouldn't you know it? On our way to dads house two things happened. The "good sliding door" on the van actually fell off. The track came loose and Heidi had to lift the door into place. Shortly after that, the car stalled again. We were beginning to think maybe our travels were being cursed. But, a few minutes later, all was right with the world. The van started again, and dad was able to fix the door. We all enjoyed the movie and it ended up being a perfect end to one crazy weekend.

Been There, Done That

I feel worn today. I look back over my 25 years of life, and I just sigh. I've seen more in these two and a half decades than some people ever will. I've witnessed heartaches, heartbreak, milestones, and miracles. I wouldn't trade one moment of it. For better or worse, it's my journey. This life I lead is leaving scars. Some are healed smoothly, and some are still real jagged, but they are shaping me. I am seriously curious to see what the next 25 years will bring.

Food for thought:

What will the world say about you in a hundred years?