I'm thankful I'm saved, but sometimes I want to punch God in His unseen face
I love my family, but I don't always like my family
I can't fix the world and I don't always see the point in trying
It feels like the only guys who find me attractive are fall down drunks
My body fat used to act like a shield, and now I feel naked
I can count my close friends on one hand with extra fingers
I still relive my mothers death in my mind
I may have already had the one great love of my life
I think it takes uncommon bravery to date me
I've never felt more alone than I have in resent months
Sometimes I think God is laughing at me
There are moments when I would trade anything to be able to do things myself
Why can't I just buy my sister a family?
The two times in my life that I felt suicidal were directly linked to my support system
Sometimes I'm an orphan
I wish I had been able to stop Laurie
I wish I could stop other smart people from making stupid choices
The last good night of sleep I had was on a cruise ship
The thought of dying young doesn't scare me, and I'm not suicidal
I'd like to get in a car and drive for hours
I long for the moment I can wake up from this twilight zone
I wish I would leave my mark on the world
It would be so nice if everyone said what they never say...
3 comments:
Mandy,
It's 12:25am on Friday, August 25th. I'm about to go to bed. I rarely have time to check blogs these days, but I decided to check yours.
I see your heart. I see how much pain and weariness and difficulty you have had to endure over the past years. I don't know why that is. I know it's not the way you or I thought it would be, yet here we are.
I want to let you know that I love you, and ever since that day many years ago when I first met you (shortly after you were born) I knew you were special. I don't mean that in any kind of a "coded" way -- I just knew you were special -- period. I have always admired your intelligence, your wit, and your sense of humor. I think you are gifted beyond what you know, and that you are a treasure right here in front of us.
I love you deeply, and feel so blessed to be your oldest cousin, even if I AM 10,000 miles away right now. I pray that your heart stays strong and that your hope remains firm. God has plans for you -- regardless of whether you put on a "happy" face or not. I know that even better days are ahead. I can't wait to watch them happen.
Greg
I love this post. I get so tired of the perky shit too. SO TIRED. Amen to the beautiful raw painful honesty of this post!
hey princess~ i am catching up on life and appreciate your writing. i also wish folks would say what they never say- sometimes what we don't say is what we are most afraid of. like 'i really don't have things figured out' or 'i'm really ticked at god and that scares me' or 'i really hate people right now'... for me it would be 'i think i'm supposed to be a grown-up already' and 'i wish i could throw a temper tantrum right now, right here'. do you feel that way too? sigh.
keep writing, whatever you feel. it helps, and you will make sense of the tangle more easily when you can see yourself like others see you- loveable and desperate to make sense of the life you live and see around you.
i'm sending some malaysian hugs your way!
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