Things I Carry with Me from Dolly Songs: Part One

"It's just one emotion after another. They will dress themselves as angels and thieves. They will make you believe you're in heaven, then they drag you through hell on your knees"

"Marching, marching, onward searching out the light of truth. I did not start the war, but it's a battle I can't lose"

"These northern nights are dreary, and my southern heart is weary. These smokey mountain memories keep me strong"

"Somehow my heart never grew up. No one ever burst my balloon. So here I am swirling in stardust slow dancing with the moon"

"I'll love you to sleep at night. Wake you with a kiss. Things that I can't do I swear you won't miss"

"Someday when I'm over you, and when I think I'm able to, I might try to be your friend again. But I don't want to see your face till then"

"When it's family, they're a mirror of the worst and best in you"

"I am like a crippled bird in hopes one day to fly again"

"When a flower grows wild it can always survive. Wild flowers don't care where they grow"

Highlights....

I'm coming into my own this season. I've wanted pink & black hair for a long while and yesterday I got my wish. In this world I can control very little. I'm enjoying the things I do have a say in. :)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Here we are again...

Dear Laur,

There isn't much to say to you that hasn't already been said. The farther I get from the day you left us, the harder it is to imagine a dialog between us. I love you, I hate you, I miss you... There are moments when I think of you and it is sharp. Like a deep breath of winter air in my lungs. It hurts. You hurt me. I guess I'll take that in stride like everything else.

So much has happened since you left. Huge life events that you should have been here for. Are you watching from where you are? I hope heaven keeps you busy so you don't have to watch us walking wounded. The truth is you were a bright spot in the fabric of our lives. All of our glowing moments are slightly dimmer with out you.

I've lost a lot of people from my short list. I miss them all of course. However, the loss of you is the hardest to swallow without question. It is so final, yet so unfinished. Your life is like a great manuscript that went uncompleted. Six years, and I'm still left to wonder "where would the story have gone from there?" and "how would it have ended?"

I realize that when I write to you, I'm really just pouring out my feelings. I think that's OK. I can lay my thoughts here and chip away at mountain of grief you have created in me. Maybe someone will read my letters to you and decide not to make the choice you made. Maybe they will see how every action we take in life and in death effects everyone around us. Six years and your decision is still having a profound impact on me.

I love you beautiful girl. I hate that you are gone. I miss having you to encourage me. Wish Uncle Dad a happy birthday for me. Kiss my Mom's forehead. Tell Jesus I'm grateful He loved me to death, and tell God I have a few questions for Him...

All my heart,

Mandy

Am I the Only One?

Like petrified wood after a fire, I feel I've been left frozen in place. Silently screaming from somewhere deep inside. So many dead layers to peel away. At my core the heart keeps beating. I'm trying desperately to break free. This process is beyond painful. It seems whenever you deal with old wounds the sting intensifies. Loss shapes who we become for better or worse. I'd like to say that I'm a stronger, better person after all I've been through but that wouldn't be quite true. I can't help but wonder what my life would look like if my heart hadn't gone into protection mode. Would I be warm and affectionate? Would I love without caution? Would I trust in things unseen?

The truth is, we don't get a say in what life throws at us. All we can do is remain standing.

So I'll rest in the knowledge that I'm not done yet. I'm still here. I'm surviving. No matter what I've become, I am still full of purpose. I have to believe I can be useful just as I am. If God does His best work with damaged people, I look forward to the work He has for me...

The Lyrics in my Head

'I've got a rough and tumble heart

well, it took a few falls till it got smart

but its still tender in the deepest part

this rough and tumble heart'

Wonderland

I truly hate winter. I know I'm supposed to see the beauty in a frosty winter landscape, but for me it is all just a harsh reminder that I can so easily be trapped. The devil tried to whisper in my ear this week. He wanted me to fear. Silly devil, I have had a starring contest with you, and guess what? YOU BLINKED FIRST! I have nothing to fear because I am loved. The God of the universe is not done working in me. Through me... Who has time for ridiculous things like fear?


Today I am stuck in my house. The snow has all but locked me away here. Yet I am not alone. In an act of pure providence, Theresa has been shut in with me. Let the snow fall. Let the wind howl...

I am safe and happy.

I absolutely love the works of Jackson Pollock. If you could look inside my soul, I think you'd see this kind of beautiful chaos. Everything in me that is dark, or ugly weaves it's way around something good and pure. In the end it forms one perfect piece of art that is breathtaking in it's complexity. This year I'm going to focus on seeing the art in me...