WOW!

I have to say this weekend has been truly excellent!

This Friday I did something I haven't done in 11 yrs. I went out to dinner, and a movie with my whole family! I never thought I'd live to see that happen... It made me feel a small tingle of genuine joy. I haven't felt it in a long while.

I also spent time with some of my favorite people Saturday night. I went to see BOLT in 3D. Super cute! Go see it if you need to smile.

Christmas is right around the corner. I'm not really ready for it. I'm hoping I can get passed the stress of gifting, and focus on the wonder of the season. After all, what can we ever buy that compares to the true Gift of the season?

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way Home Last Night

Like any good story, I'll begin with this...

Well what had happened was...

Heidi, Marie, and I had gone to the Kenosha County fair. We had a fun time! We laughed, and played games. I even won a monkey! :)

Then around 11pm as Marie was returning me to my house, my car began making strange noises. We pulled over in Johnsburg and noticed that the car was smoking. NOT good!
So we called my dad to ask if we should stay put, or attempt to get me back home. As most of you know this van is the only vehicle available that can fit my wheelchair. Dad suggests that we cautiously head for my house and he would come over in the morning to fix it. Only problem is that as we get back in motion, the strange noises stop and now the battery light thingy in the dash is lit. Also, Marie is losing the ability to control the steering. YAY! We called my Dad again and he now says to try making it to his house. He will find some way to get me home...
We were plugging along to dad's place, and had made it to his street when the blinky engine danger noise started up. The van is over heating and as we parked in front of his house we were fully expecting the van would be blowing up soon. YIKES!

At this point, Marie and I have decided to walk home. The distance is really not too terrible, and it isn't much worse than the daily trek I used to have through the streets of Chicago. Only, in McHenry it is dark and there aren't really sidewalks. :D Don't worry though! My Dad gave us flashlights. Including one special light that I could wear on my HEAD! That's right folks, I had an actual headlight! I looked like one of the freaks from 16 CANDLES (i.e John Cusack)...
So as Marie and I are walking along River Rd, my father begins to follow us in his car to protect us from other cars. However, he starting yelling confusing instructions as to where he wanted us to walk. At one point he actually called me an asshole (I found this to be hysterical!). We parted ways with him on Miller Rd...
As we were walking, the craziness of our little adventure begins to settle in and Marie, and I get the giggles. Here I am like a jackass with the miners light strapped to my head. Walking home at midnight because my car almost blew up!

And then the police show up...

Apparently, someone reported as as "suspicious activity"! Two cop cars arrive on the scene to make sure we aren't terrorists or something... They make us wait for like 20 minutes, offer us no assistance, and finally send us on our way... Did I mention that while we were waiting with the police for their non-service I begin to laugh so hard I was crying? Marie was afraid they would think we were drunk. Its that laughter that only occurs in a mild crisis.... I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about...

The rest of our journey would have been considered smooth, as long as you leave out the part where my wheelchair started to die on Route 31... Poor Marie's little feet were killing her by the time we walked into my apartment. I've never been so happy to be home!

How was YOUR weekend?

Rescue Me...

Today after nearly a decade of living alone... I had my very first run in with 911. For reasons unknown I fell down today. Thankfully my cell phone fell also. I was able to phone for help and now I'm back on track. It's an odd thing needing people. You don't always realize how odd until you are on the floor... Today I can honestly relate to the "help, I've fallen and I can't get up" lady!

Heidi Peszat

I wish for great things

I wish you everything good and strong

I hold your sadness in my own heart

I smile at your independence

Welcome back to yourself

Welcome to courage

You are beautiful

You are brave

You are a Peszat again

I love you bigger than words. I can't wait to see where you go from here.

This morning was okay... Aunt Karen and Steph both called to tell me they love me and that their thoughts were with me today. I really needed that. There's something about this terrible anniversary that forever ties me to Steph. That was the day we went from "cousins" to "SISTERS". Eleven years ago today, Steph held me together when my world broke apart. I'm only heartbroken to know that this year Steph had to learn the sting of that kind of lose. I wish I could have spared her that...

My Dad stopped by today. That's when today got lots worse. I can say that here because as he says "I don't want to read your blog. Who can stand all that stuff?"

I wish I remembered the me from back then. Something died inside of me then and there's just no getting it back.

Sorry this post isn't all motivational and moving. I just can't manage that today. I miss my Mother. I hate that I know her last moments. It stings to carry that. I can't pretend it doesn't.

The Song That Needs To Spill Out...

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake

A smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I watched you die

I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry in the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you

Because of you

Happy Birthday...

Ten birthdays in heaven... Do they celebrate there? I hope you're having a wonderful afterlife. I can't believe how long it's been since I've seen your face. You know what hurts the most? A mother's love is unconditional. You were the one person who loved me no matter what. I don't have that now. I have an empty space where you used to be. I miss just talking to you. I miss kissing your forehead when you were tying my shoes...
Would you like me now? Would you be proud of who I've become? I hope you see a bit of you when you look at me. I'd like that.
I love you. I'm thankful for the 17 years that I knew you. I look forward to seeing you again one day.... Until then... HAPPY BIRTHDAY lovely!

Your Little Pixie,
Mandy

Too Awesome for WORDS!!!!

It is official... Benjamin Batey Fradin is a WALKING LITTLE MAN!!! Just in time for his birthday party, Ben decided to pull an extra miracle out of his hat! I am so IMPRESSED! He is Just the absolute definition of HOPE!

June 7th...

Dear Laurie,

Today is your birthday and I can't believe you're missing it. You're missing a lot actually... Babies, Heartaches, and Weddings for example.Our Steph was married last week. She held out for true love for so long and you missed out on celebrating that with her. Could you see us from where you are? Its been so long since I've seen the dimensional you. I'm starting to see you in picture form in my mind. I always think of that last Sunday together. So many words said and none of them the right ones. If there was any thought in my head that within the following week I would lose you, I wonder what I might have done differently. I guess when you hug someone for the last time, that hug is burned into you. I can still feel you there against my heart... The other day I was listening to this song and it struck me in a new "laurie" way. It was never meant for our situation, and yet it rings true. So today I post these lyrics and this letter. Today I put down another small piece of the broken pain you left me. I love you Beautiful! I carry you in what's left of my heart.

Happy Birthday!

Mandy

"Who Knew"

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

One Week Ago Today...

Happy Birthday Denver!

I can not believe how time flies...

Beautiful Girl!

This picture makes me happy!This is my niece Maya wearing her birthday jewelery. I found this Hello Kitty set and new that she had to have it. The best part of this picture though is the jammies my little girlie girl is wearing. TINK! Yeah, she's definitely related... :)

Fabulous!

My little sister is MARRIED! Yesterday I was honored to be a part of Steph & Andy's big day. I am so happy for these two! I'll post pictures later. For now I'd just like to wish the newlyweds well, and send them to St. Thomas with all of my love and best wishes!

The grass is ORANGE. The sky is TEAL.

(See? I can do it too..)

The Summer of Movies!!!

I can't speak for anyone else, but I am seriously excited for this season's film line up! Here are just a few I'm interested in:

Iron Man

Narnia (Prince Caspian)

Indiana Jones

Sex & the City

Wanted

The Incredible HULK

Batman

Kung Fu Panda

WALL-E

YAY! Thet the movie goodness begin!

The Nature of Blogland...

It is my belief that blogging can bring out the best and the worst in people. It's because of the nameless, faceless nature of the thing. Sure, you see pictures and you know people in a general way... but here in blogland you can show any side of your self you choose. It's important to remember that you're only seeing what the writer is showing you. For example, If you know me from blogging you know these things:

I'm poetic

I'm broken

I'm a fighter

I love my dog

I love my family & friends

I aspire to bigger things

I've experienced great loss

I worship God and a good cup of coffee

I have an odd sense of humor

I struggle with depression

I'm in a wheelchair

I used to be fat

I value my privacy

I am a Diva

But that is only a small part of who I am. I am a survivor. I am brave. I am direct. I am unemployed. I am tired. I am occasionally heart broken. I am hopeful. I am so many things that stitch me together. I don't mind listing my "I am's" . When they are all strung together in a thread it's really quite beautiful. But I would genuinely hate it if you spent too long looking at just one element. Please remember that I am all those things.

There has been some hostility circulating in blogland these days. I'm honestly not sure what brought it on. But I'd like to say this in all honesty. Both of you are dear to me. I wouldn't wish pain on either of you. Please lay your anger to rest. It doesn't help anyone. All that we have is the present, and today things are looking up. When you blog again (which I hope you both do soon), I'd like to see more of yourselves in your writing. I know, and love you because of who you are. I look forward to you sharing that with the rest of the world. It's been so long since you've really shared your true selves.

I love you!

Mandy

Bachelorette.....

This picture makes me smile... :)

I Freakin' LOVE This Picture! :)

Thanks, Aunt Karen for the feathers...
DIVALICIOUS!

It's That Time Again...

GoodNews! Today I met with my state case worker. I am officially still a Fairy Princess! We can all go back to our regularly scheduled lives...

Puppy Luv....

This is my favorite picture of Diva and I. It's so very... US!

I especially like the matching hot pink and the t-shirt that says: REBEL (it only counts if you get caught). I think that sums us up pretty accurately. Me & Diva... Two peas in a pod.

She really is my "kid" you know... Her personality is perfectly suited to mine. Her love of coffee just proves she's being brought up right! Buying Diva Starbucks was the smartest thing I've ever done. This little crazy girl has been my friend and companion. I can't imagine my life without her.

I've decided to celebrate Puppy Mother's Day. I'm declaring May 13th from now on to be a holiday. I may never be a Mom in the traditional sense. Most of you already know I'm ok with that. Yet I am a Mom to somebody. She's got four legs, and she worships the ground I roll on. :) So Happy Puppy Mother's Day to all my animal adoring "parents"!

Sigh....

There is nothing quite as sharp to the heart as Mother's Day without your Mother.... My Heart goes out to anyone who knows this particular ache...
As for the other "moms" in my life. The ladies who step in from time to time to fill that roll. I Love you. Thanks for all that you do!

Hello Dolly...

Last night I went downtown to the Chicago Theatre to see Dolly Parton. What an AMAZING show! I have seen her perform many times. I even sang with her myself once... It never gets old. She always delivers. The energy and heart Dolly brings to every performance makes her one of the greats. I loved the show. I feel connected to my childhood whenever she sings. I refer to her as a link to my "past life". I've been a devoted fan since the days before my Mother died. I've loved her since before the floor dropped out of my universe.

Over the last decade or so I have hardened. My heart has grown a bit calloused. I've changed, and evolved as I've faced difficult challenges and soul crushing loss. I can't help it. It's a survival method. I'm still fun, and loving, but there is a rough edge to my personality. I am relieved to see that when I'm lost in music, my heart is young again. Dolly's music is like an old friend. Visiting my old friend last night was great for my soul!

My Boyfriend....

Benjamin Batey Fradin is one year old today! I can't even tell you all how happy I am to say that out loud... There have been so many uphill battles in this little man's life. And yet here he is today. THRIVING! He simply blows my mind. Ben is a daily reminder for me that all things work together. My life has also been filled with uphill struggles, and God took the time to throw Mike, and Becca into my life. Way before Ben was a glimmer in their eyes, I knew that we were friends for a reason. And now my life experiences are serving as a touchstone for the Fradins. I'm so honored to know Ben. I'm lucky enough to call him Nephew... I can't wait to see where his journey takes him!

Happy Birthday Ben!

I Love you Oodles & Bunches!

Auntie Manders

HAMILTON

Ladies and Gentleman,

I have an announcement. I have a new love in my life. I could not be happier! Hamilton just might be the love of my life...

Ok, he's actually my Hamilton Beach coffee brew station. But I'm totally in love! After Mr. Coffee and I broke up so long ago, I never thought I'd find love again. :)

Thank you Heidi for introducing us! I can't wait for the three of us to spend some time together...

Dear Friends,

Thank you for remembering my BIRTHDAY! All of your warm wishes and loving words are stored away in my heart. I'm so blessed to have so many devoted people in my life. I know I'm going to make today special. I hope you do the same.

Love,

Mandy

Dear friend,

Two words that make me giggle...

Oil Puppets

Enough said. Have a great weekend!

Mandy (aka.Elizabeth)

Dear Friend,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

You don't look a day over 37...

Mandy

Dear Friend,

I'm so glad I know you. My world is ever so much brighter with you in it. Please remember you are vital to my existance. If you lose your hope call me. I'll help you find it again. Please don't ever make me feel the way She did. I can't live through that a second time. If you start to fall call me. I'll catch you. I'll remind you of the bigger picture. I'll remind you of the hole in my heart if you aren't there. I want to be there for you. I want to form an army of the walking wounded. So we're broken. SO WHAT?!? At least we're holding on.

Love you as tall as my heart!

Mand

Dear Friend,

Sometimes I'm not sure you like me. I know that you love me. We've been close for as long as I can remember. You knew me in my past life... Before pain, and death taught me to harden my heart. Do you like me now? I'm praying you do! Thank you for never giving up on me. I'm so glad to know that you will never let me go. Even when I'm hard, and cold, and evil. You see through all that and you stick around. That just blows my mind!

Mandy

Dear Friend,

You inspire me. To see your smiling face was the highlight of my week. I can't wait to see your story unfold. You make me hope for the future. The life we live is not for everyone, but so far we're thriving. I love you, and I'll always be there for you.

Manders

Dear Friend,

Today, I've got nothing deep or insightful. I love you. What could be more important than that?

Mandy

Dear Friend,

You are so brave! I know how hard it is for you to make changes. It takes a lot of strength to start fresh. I'm proud of you. You are on your way. Don't look at this place you are in as a failure. You are losing something, but gaining so much more. You are chosing you, and that makes me glad. I love you!

Mandy

Dear Friend,

You are the most beautiful person I've ever known! Mostly because you don't see it. I wish you could view yourself through my eyes. You would be amazed! Your smile warms my heart at it's absolute coldest. Your light can be seen for miles. You may never know how valued you are in my life. You've saved me on so many occasions, I've completely lost count. I know to you, you're a work in progress... but I wouldn't change a thing. You are perfect just as you are.

Love,

Mandy

Dear Friend,

It feels like forever since I've seen your face. I miss you. I wish I felt closer to you. Life is spinning so fast, and I've misplaced my compass. Are you happy? Are things the way you thought they would be? We always said we could tell each other anything. What happened there? I love you so much it barely fits in my chest! Please don't stay away so long again...

Mandy

A Letter a Day...

This April, I've decided to journal in a new way. I'm going to write a note once a day that is directed to someone specifically. A good way to begin pouring my heart out again...

EASTER...

So I know that as a Christian I'm supposed to be jazzed about the holiday, but to be honest, I'm just not there. I'm so thankful for my salvation, but the motions of the season feel kinda hollow... Today I'm praying that Jesus catches me off guard in the next few days. I'd like to be surprised by joy...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,and rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Joshua...

Thanks to my friend Becca, I've been made aware of this Blog ... I'll begin by saying please pray for this family!

The strength and courage of this young couple simply overwhelms me. I have no words of comfort for them. Perhaps there really are none. My story is always one of survival and overcoming obstacles... None of my "stuff" applies to Joshua. He's two months old and he's dying. These past two months have been an unexpected miracle. These last few hours have been an unexpected miracle! His family has known from the get go that he would only be with them briefly. Yet, they chose to give him a dignified beginning and end. They have trusted that God has His hand in this matter. Joshua is not broken, or damaged. He's exactly as God intended.

Joshua's life has been so short, but I have to say that he is impacting my heart. Read through this beautifully documented journey. I know Joshua will impact you all as well.

Praying hard

Mandy

Back in the Saddle...

Well, my chair is up and running after 10 days of craziness. WooHoo! Now if I can just get my knee healed I'll be all set...

This Week...

Ever notice how things always come at you when you're most vulnerable? I knew this week was going to be difficult because of Laurie. I also felt for Steph because March 2 is her father's birthday. Talk about a double dose of OUCH!
What I didn't expect was the series of unfortunate events that lead me up to this emotional weekend...
Last Sunday my wheelchair died. In my effort to get help, I fell out of my chair and injured my knees. I've spent the whole week stuck in bed with ice packs and ace bandages on my legs. I need to setup an appointment for X-rays. My wheelchair repair group doesn't take my insurance, so I had to borrow $3,000.00 from my dad. Anyone who knows me at all, knows how much I hate needing his help...
Very few things can actually wound my spirit anymore. However, the devil seems to know exactly which buttons to push. Being weakened and "extra crippled" has really damaged my spirit. I feel like things are stacking up against me. It also reminds me of how much a person can actually indure.
For now I'm in retreat mode. Like resting and rebooting may be my best option. I'll talk to you all later...

The Song that is Holding Me Together...

BROKEN

Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky

Then it starts to rain....

My defenses hit the ground, and they shatter all around

So open and exposed...

I found strength in the struggle

Face to face with my trouble

When you're broken in a million little pieces

And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore

Every tear falls down for a reason

Don't you stop believing in yourself

When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue I know what you're going through

Don't let it beat you up...

Hitting walls and getting scars only makes you who you are

Only makes you who you are...

No matter how much your heart is aching

There is beauty in the breaking

When you're broken in a million little pieces

And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore

Every tear falls down for a reason

Don't you stop believing in yourself

When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again

Every piece will find its place

When you're broken, when you're broken

When you're broken in a million little pieces

And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore

Every tear falls down for a reason

Don't you stop believing in yourself

When you're broken

Oh, when you're broken

Small Miracles...

Today my nephew Ben stood up all by himself! Not such a big deal for most babies. However, Ben is no typical kid. Not so long ago, Ben's parents were told that he may never walk. He's been through more than his share of hard stuff already and he seems to defy all the odds. He's perfect! Not because he seems to get more "normal" every day. Normal is for cowards! Ben is perfect because he is exactly as he's meant to be.
If Ben never takes one step I won't be dissapointed. Lots of us get by fine without walking... It just looks more and more like Ben's potential is limitless. I want him to have every good experience, and a whole lot less of the crappy ones. He really deserves it!