Home Again, Home Again...

This week was such a blessing! I can't begin to tell you how amazing it was... I really needed this time away. I feel renewed in body and in spirit. The sun and the time with Heidi has helped heal some of my wounded bits. I wish everyone I know could experience rest and relaxation like I have enjoyed this week. God was so good to provide this get away! I slept soundly for the first time in months. I feel so much healthier just having slept. I made new friends, and experienced so many firsts... And for those of you who follow this blog, check #2 off my list of 11 things. Not only did I SEE the ocean, I also SWAM and SNORKELED in it! It was a highlight of my lifetime.
What a wonderful God we serve! Not only does He bless me with the most outstanding family on the planet, but He also takes the time to surround me with kind, and generous friends. To the providers of this much needed time away, Thank you so much! You have no idea how much this gift has impacted me. May God Bless you 1,000.00 times over for your kindness!

More later, for now, it's back to work I go!

Family...

In the last few days, I've been wrestling with a lot of junk in my head. Being in the middle of some really dark times is getting exhausting. I have doubts, and fears, and hurts. I have friends who have withdrawn from me. I have questions about where my family will go from here. Laurie's death has rocked our family to its core. It has drawn us closer and blown us apart all at the same time. I wish I could take away the hurting, but that's just not how life works. So as usual, I turn to music for comfort. I was listening to an old favorite for some peace in my heart, when I stumbled across this song. It made me cry. This song is so true. I have no control of anything around me. I can't protect myself from the actions or choices of others. But, I can be in love with my crazy, messed up, fun loving, intense, challenging, broken, healing family. As Laurie herself put it "the world's greatest family that I'm thrilled and honored to be a part of".

Family

by Dolly Parton & Carl Perkins

When it's family, you forgive them for they know not what they do

When it's family, you accept them, 'cause you have no choice but to

When it's family, they're a mirror of the worst and best in you

And they always put you to the test

And you always try to do your best

And just pray for God to do the rest, when it's family

Some are preachers, some are gay

Some are addicts, drunks and strays

But not a one is turned away, when it's family

Some are lucky, others ain't

Some are fighters, others faint

Winners, losers, sinners, saints, it's all family

And when it's family you trust them and your heart's an open door

When it's family, you tolerate what you'd kill others for

When it's family, you love and hate and take, then give some more

Somehow you justify mistakes, try to find some better way

To solve the problems day to day, in the family

You take the trouble as it comes and love them more than anyone

Good or bad or indifferent, it's still family

You choose your lovers, you pick your friends

Not the family that you're in, nah

They'll be with you 'til the end, 'cause it's family

And when it's family, you forgive them for they know not what they do

When it's family, they're a mirror of the worst and best in you

When it's family, when it's family

Let me be all that I should be to the family

Accountability...

Here's my thought for today. Why is it that we can be so loving and excepting of others when they don't yet have a relationship with God, and then be so cruel and full of judgment towards other believers? This whole concept baffles me. Christianity is a journey, a walk with God. Why then do people feel the need to push their walking pace on others? And isn't it normal to expect believers to occasionally walk backwards? If God can accept that we are humans on a journey, why can't we accept that from one another? Spiritual accountability has NOTHING to do with judgment. God will judge each of us Himself. "Accountability Partners" does not refer to every Christian I know. Just because we are both Christians, and friends, does not mean I'll invite you into my dark spots. It is a core of trusted friends who I have ASKED to watch out for me. This doesn't give anyone power over my decisions, and choices, it just means that I have invited a few trusted friends into my most vulnerable places. If something is "off" I would expect them to talk it out with me. However, these friends that I pick to share my dark corners with, must love me unconditionally. For the record: If you are in a partnership like this one and you can't radically love someone through their struggles, perhaps you should step down from that role.

Stephanie Pelka is one of the most merciful people I've ever known. She forgives me even when I can't forgive myself. She never tells me that my wrongdoing is "ok". She is honest, and truthful whenever I tell her my heart. If I'm in the wrong, she is always up front about it. Yet, here's the thing, She has never withdrawn from me when I'm not doing what is right. She loves me through each of my countless bad choices. When I stumble spiritually, or when I rebel against God's will, she remains. Steph is the first person to celebrate with me when I come back around. I thank God daily that He has blessed me with my sister Steph. It's comforting to know that I can lay my darkest truths at her feet, and she won't run screaming.

It's people like this who truly reflect the heart of Christ in my life. Where would I be without unconditional love?

SuperGimp!!!

So I know I'm a pretty strong person, but this is just getting plain silly. Maybe people think I have super powers. Everyone seems to think I'll just "deal" no matter what I'm up against. I admit that I'm good in a crisis. I can handle rough things being thrown my way, but I crumble just like anyone else when it all gets piled on top of me. This week, it all keeps piling up. I miss Laurie, my assistant wants to quit, I think I should drop school, I have to prove to the government that I'm still a fairy princess, I'm broke, everyone I love is grieving.... I could go on, but it really doesn't help. Anyone who really knows me knows that the quickest way to break me is to take away my stability in my home. I need physical help to do almost EVERYTHING. Usually, this truth does not really bother me. In fact, rather then saying I have a "disability", we've taken to referring to these challenges as being a "Fairy Princess". It's like being royalty, without the media headaches. So the fact that I have to find a new person to care for me in the evenings on top of sorting through this grief,on top of proving to the state that I'm still a princess, is REALLY not good for me right now. I am hanging by a thin thread of sanity these days as it is. Please pray for me. I just can't handle one more thing right now...


Thank God for my upcoming vacation plans! I can't thank My friends enough for blessing me. It's the one thing that I'm looking forward to. It will be really nice to get away with my sister, and let sunshine, and Mickey Mouse soothe my weary heart.

As a Side Note:

A handful of people have told me this week that the love reading my blog. I'm honored that anyone even takes the time to read my babbling! =)

As a small experiment, I'd like to ask that anyone who feels up to it drop me a comment here on this entry. Words mean more to me than you may ever know. They help me to feel just a tiny bit less alone.

Thanks and God bless!

Mandy

The Song in my Heart...

Deep Enough To Dream
by Chris Rice

Lazy summer afternoon
Screened in porch and nothin' to do
I just kicked off my tennis shoes
Slouchin' in a plastic chair
Rakin' my fingers through my hair
I close my eyes and I leave them there
And I yawn, and sigh, and slowly fade away


Deep enough to dream in brilliant colors I have never seen
Deep enough to join a billion people for a wedding feast
Deep enough to reach out and touch the face of the One who made me
And oh, the love I feel, and oh the peace
Do I ever have to wake up


Awakened by a familiar sound
A clumsy fly is buzzin' around
He bumps the screen and he tumbles down
He gathers about his wits and pride
And tries again for the hundredth time'
Cause freedom calls from the other side
And I smile and nod, and slowly drift away


Deep enough to dream in brilliant colors I have never seen
Deep enough to join a billion people for a wedding feast
Deep enough to reach out and touch the face of the One who made me
And oh, the love I feel, and oh the peace
Do I ever have to wake up


'Cause peace is pouring over my soul
See the lambs and the lions playin'
I join in and I drink the music
Holiness is the air I'm breathin'
My faithful heroes break the bread and answer all of my questions
Not to mention what the streets are made of
My heart's held hostage by this love


And these brilliant colors I have never seen
I join a billion people for a wedding feast
And I reach out and touch the face of the One who made me
And oh, the love I feel, and oh the peace
Do I ever have to wake up
Do I ever have to wake up
Do I ever have to wake up
Do I really have to wake up now

Marika...

You know what I love most about Marie? It's the way she always shows up when I need her. If I think back on it, I'm reminded that is how she became my "sister" in the first place. For a long time, Marie was Heidi's friend that hung around our house. Then she morphed into one of those family members we all have. Kinda like a cousin you expect to see on national holidays... But from the moment my Mom died July 2, 1997.... Marie has been my sister. I couldn't ask for a more faithful friend. She just sees what needs to be done, and does it. I pray that everyone could have this kind of fellowship in their lives. Like all sisters, there are times we want to choke each other, but too, like all sisters, we find our way back together. I'm so blessed by my "add on Family". If you don't have one, you should really consider picking one up. That whole lie about blood being thicker than water... It's simply not true. Family is comprised of who holds you up when the world is beating you down. Marie is an intricate piece of my family puzzle. I thank God for bringing her into my life.

The Lies in my Head...

Satan is shouting in one ear. God is whispering in the other. Who will I believe? I am in the middle of a spiritual battleground. I feel it all around. Satan tells me I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not Holy enough, not tender enough. He tries to convince me that one person just isn't enough against all that this earth is throwing my way. And for a moment, I believe him. I think I should give up. I think "what's the point?" I feel so low in those times, that I may never resurface. And then Truth reveals Himself in these dark times. God has a plan. God wants to use me for His purpose. He can make all things new. There is hope in the Lord. He knows the plans He has for me... He never leaves me... I don't babble these things off as some lucky charm I use to comfort myself. These are not flowery ideas. This is the God I serve. In His truest form, God is love. So whatever else I'm feeling these days, I choose to stand on truth. I am broken, but God is still here.

Mother's Day...

I was blessed with an extraordinary mom. For 17 years, she poured herself into my life. I'm largely who I am today because of her. If any of you know Barb, Gail, or Joey, then you have some idea as to my own mother's character. Bold, Bright, Enthusiastic, Encouraging, Strong, Beautiful, Fun.... But above all she was a woman of faith. Her focus was always on the Kingdom. She loved people more than herself. She built into the lives of others. She radiated Christ's unconditional love. Where would I be without this amazing woman? I think my favorite thing about having a mom (the thing I miss the most) is knowing that someone knows all your junk, and loves you anyhow. I think that is why God created Mothers. It's the closest we ever get in a lifetime to understanding the "forever kind of love" that God has for us. I can't think of anyone who deserved heaven more than Lin Peszat. I would have very much liked to have had a few more years with her, but I get to spend eternity with her, so I guess I can't complain. I send a prayer out today for every mother who reads this. God bless you!

Waiting...

When will this get better? When will I breathe in and out without a tight ache in my chest? I want to be happy. I want to find joy. I feel like I'm on hold. So many great things are happening in my life... Why can't I smile more? I miss the security I felt in February... Things were so solid then. The earth keeps shifting underneath me now.

I've been relying on God a lot more lately. It's not as if I was "drifting" before, but all these recent events have really alerted me to His presence. I know some people are becoming disillusioned with "Christian living" lately... I'm not. I know that Christ is perfect. Christianity is processed, and lived out by humans. That makes it all the more beautiful to me. That God would die for us, knowing that we would never actually measure up. What a merciful God we serve! Just because people continually fall short, does not mean we can write them off. The bible says that He forgives us just as WE forgive others. I'm praying today to be more gracious to others. Everyone is moving at their own pace on their walk with God. I pray I can be patient with those who are immature. When Christians (who I'm sure mean well) start tearing their brothers and sisters in Christ apart with words of judgment, I want to scream. God, please grant me tolerance as you soften these people's hearts.

I'm so tired of grief. I wish it were like taking a test, or visiting the doctor. It may be awful, but you know it will be over soon. This is just so difficult. Who knows if it will hurt like this for days, months, years... I'm not sure I'm really up for this. It's not as if I want to forget my beautiful Laurie, I just want to get to a place where I can think of her without weeping. I'd like to smile when I remember our times together. I'd like to love, honor, and remember her without it being a physical burden on my heart. I'd like to carry her with me without being weighed down. So for now, I'll wait. I'll pray. I'll trust that God will lead me through this darkness. Notice how I don't say "out of"? There is no way out of this, only through...

The Song in my Head...

Smile
by Chris Rice

How far are you, how close am I
I know your words are true and I don't feel them inside
Still I believe you'll never leave
So where are you now


You're all I have,
You're all I know
Your breath is breathing in my soul
Still I am gasping, aching, asking
Where are you now


Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer
Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile


My journey's here, but my heart is There
So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare
Our destiny, til You come back for me
Oh, please make it soon!


Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer
Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile