Waiting...

When will this get better? When will I breathe in and out without a tight ache in my chest? I want to be happy. I want to find joy. I feel like I'm on hold. So many great things are happening in my life... Why can't I smile more? I miss the security I felt in February... Things were so solid then. The earth keeps shifting underneath me now.

I've been relying on God a lot more lately. It's not as if I was "drifting" before, but all these recent events have really alerted me to His presence. I know some people are becoming disillusioned with "Christian living" lately... I'm not. I know that Christ is perfect. Christianity is processed, and lived out by humans. That makes it all the more beautiful to me. That God would die for us, knowing that we would never actually measure up. What a merciful God we serve! Just because people continually fall short, does not mean we can write them off. The bible says that He forgives us just as WE forgive others. I'm praying today to be more gracious to others. Everyone is moving at their own pace on their walk with God. I pray I can be patient with those who are immature. When Christians (who I'm sure mean well) start tearing their brothers and sisters in Christ apart with words of judgment, I want to scream. God, please grant me tolerance as you soften these people's hearts.

I'm so tired of grief. I wish it were like taking a test, or visiting the doctor. It may be awful, but you know it will be over soon. This is just so difficult. Who knows if it will hurt like this for days, months, years... I'm not sure I'm really up for this. It's not as if I want to forget my beautiful Laurie, I just want to get to a place where I can think of her without weeping. I'd like to smile when I remember our times together. I'd like to love, honor, and remember her without it being a physical burden on my heart. I'd like to carry her with me without being weighed down. So for now, I'll wait. I'll pray. I'll trust that God will lead me through this darkness. Notice how I don't say "out of"? There is no way out of this, only through...