Wednesday Night...

I was sitting in New Com Wednesday, and God was working on my heart. Our pastor spoke about "losing our first love". How we can sing, and serve, and teach, in the name of Jesus, and totally bypass our personal relationship with Him. I thought of how I've drifted from time to time. My own drifts always make me think of Laurie now. And then he said something that stuck in my chest like a stone. "Even when we feel distant from God, He's never gone from us". Our relationship may feel sometimes like it's on the rocks, but the truth is, God is never leaving, and never changing. He's as madly in love with me today, as He was before time began. How intense is that!?!?

So, as I'm sitting there, rolling the impact of that truth around in my head, they start to sing "Let My Words Be Few". I instantly think of Laur, and that email from Mexico... I cry. I can't help it. I miss her. I miss the days when her intensity for God was palpable. I cry some more...

And if that wasn't enough to flush my system of grief....
The very next song we sang was "I Love You Lord". This was my Mom's favorite song of all time. I cried buckets at this point! It was good though. I think I needed it. Sometimes I think the only way to survive losses like I've experienced, is to let it hit you right between the eyes. Shying away from it, only makes it hurt longer. Sometimes weeping, cursing, or just plain crumbling, is the only way to cope.

Here is a brief excerpt from Laurie's "Let My Words Be Few" email to family and friends:

"Okay...One quick story: Yesterday while I was in the shower I had the song "Let My Words Be Few" stuck in my head. The words go like this, "You are God in heaven, and here am I on earth, so I'll by words be few. Jesus, I am so in love with You. The simplest of all love songs, I want to bring to You, so I'll let my words be few. Jesus, I am so in love with You. And I'll stand in awe of You." Later when I was in my bedroom, I was thinking of the ways that I need to stand more in awe of God. I thought of things like more prayer, more time in worship, more solitude, or more time in His Word. At that moment, I felt God saying, "Laurie,why don't you go and read your Bible right now? You're not busy...Just do it now." Trying my best to be obedient.I sat down on my bed and decided to randomly open my Bible. I opened it to the book of Ecclesiastes (a book I'm not very familiar with). The first thing my eyes read was this: STAND IN AWE OF GOD. (SMILE) Can you believe it? Our God was clearly communicating to me that in my life I truly need to stand in awe of His mighty works. Ecclesiastes 5:1-7 talks about living in awe of God instead of living meaningless lives. Wow! It's moments like that where any doubt I have of God is quickly washed away."- 2/16/2003