Lost Girls...

If I'm honest with myself, my current heartbreak runs deeper than losing Laurie.
Laur was the one person who I could relate to when it came to losing my mother. A year after my mom's death, Laurie lost her father. That's not so uncommon, I realize. Except in our cases we were both there when it happened. Nothing in life prepares you for seeing your parent die. I'm sure it is unbearable to watch someone pass slowly from illness, but when someone is perfectly healthy one minute, and they drop dead in front of you the next... There are no words. Laurie and I were always able to talk this stuff out. In fact, the last day I saw her, we talked about that subject for about 30 minutes.
Who can I talk to now? Who will lay in my bed, and hug me, and cry with me? Who can relate to that trauma now that Laurie is gone? I feel cheated by Laur. I needed her support for the next 60 years or so.

I'm 24 years old and all I really have to say today is... I want my mommy!

The 11th thing...

I went to Willow last night. After an awsome moment of worship, I'm adding one more thing to my list. So here it is:

11. Initiate a sing-along session for more than 1,000.00 people

What an awsome thing it is to praise God in His house!

10 Things I want to do before I die.

I may never actually do any of these things, but now they're out there, so who knows?

1. Sky dive

2. See the ocean

3. Fall head over heels in love

4. Receive an honorary doctorate

5. Be a voice character for Disney

6. Dance in the rain

7. Publish my story

8. Impact history

9. Witness a miracle

10. Be baptized at WCCC

Temper Tantrums...

What would happen if I could set down my anger? Is it even possible? I'm angry at people for hurting me with their actions. I'm furious at people for damaging Laurie with words. I'm so angry at Laurie herself for leaving that I can't see straight. Yet all of this I can not change. I can't make people change. I can't bring Laurie back. I have no control over any of this stuff.

What I can control is how I respond...

Today, I will hand my anger over to God. I will lay it at His feet. This may be a constant effort on my part, but every time I feel the rage bubbling, I'm going to talk to God. I'm going to ask Him to focus my attention on things that are lasting. Maybe, with His help, I can stop hating in my heart. Perhaps compassion will replace rage. Wouldn't that be something? I'm going to try this today and trust that God is in control. That's the hardest part these days. Pray for me okay?

Time Out

Today my world is caving in a little. I'm heart sick. I miss Laurie. I'm tired of people. I wish I could call a recess. Take a five minute vacation from myself. The people I need to lean on are just not available. The people in their place are cruel, and hollow. I feel used up. It's as if I'm spread too thin. I wish I could be alone. But, that's just not possible in my world. There's always someone...
I wish I could get in a car and drive off. I would drive and drive until my head was clear again. I'd turn the radio way up and sing along at the top of my lungs. Maybe I would stop off at a friend's place. Maybe I'd sit with them and cry my eyes out. Either way, it would be my choice. I almost never get to make those decisions...
I wish I could call Laur. I'd say "hey girlie, I'm stranded tonight with no assistant. Wanna come hang out?" And she'd do it too! That was the kind of friend she was. Too bad for me I guess...

My Easter Hope...

My good friend (sister) Marie gave me an Easter card this year. The picture on the front was of a marshmallow peep in a microwave. For anyone who has ever spent Easter with my family, you can understand the appropriateness of this card. It's not a holiday in our family until something blows up. =)

In the margin of the card, she thanked me for being a "teacher" in her life. I find that rather remarkable because I usually feel like I'm the one learning from everyone else. My favorite thing about this cute little card, was the very last sentence she wrote:

" I can't wait to live in the REAL WORLD!"

I couldn't agree with her more. My Easter hope is that we all realize just how short our time here is. This is a bus stop on the road to eternity. I'm going to try to remember that the next time I feel hopeless...

God bless and Happy Easter!

The Ya Ya Sisterhood...

There are a handful of women in this world who can call themselves "Club Girls". I for one am blessed to be one of them. These ladies are there when I need them. We laugh together. We cry together. We drink together! =) These woman have been a part of each other's lives for so long, none of us can remember a time when we weren't family. Our mothers forged the initial friendship (the core if you will), but as this next generation of extraordinary women matured, we too created our "Club". Much like the Ya Ya Sisterhood, these women share trials, secrets, and moments of down right hilarity. Where would I be without these girls?

Heidi- You are my sister and my best friend. Your friendship and care are more precious to me than any gold.
Katie- Cousin of my life, sister to my soul. I love you more than you may ever know. I'm blessed to have you for my "judgment free" friend.

Jen- I have more childhood memories involving you than ones without you. I'm so glad we have each other still.

Steph- Long before you were my sister, you were my friend. God has truly blessed my life with your passion and your zeal. I can't wait till we all get to do the "running man" together!

I'm so thankful for this crazy mix of girlfriends! I hope I never lose sight of how important their support is.

Ladies, I love you all!

Does this wheelchair make my butt look big?

In all seriousness, I spend entirely too much time worrying about outward stuff. In the last 18 months I have lost 100+ pounds. So why on earth do I care so much about looking "fatty" today or my smushy middle? It seems like a hideous waste of energy. I've spent a lot of time over the past few days rereading emails from Laurie during her time in Mexico. She was one of my biggest supporters as I prepared for gastric bypass. We were both leaning so hard on God then. Prayers like "God if it's your will...". And now after all this time, and all these blessings, it feels like we both lost sight of God's plan... I will be honest and say that at some point after having the surgery, I stopped praising God for making it possible. As my body has literally melted away, I've forgotten to thank Him for making me healthy again. At some point, I convinced myself (not consciously of course) that I did this myself. That somehow I'm responsible for these blessings in my life. That is how Satan has distracted me. He even tried to tell me just last week That I am in control of this mind crushing grief. That I'm in it alone. Satan is a BIG FAT LIAR! I praise God for this "reality check". I am NOT alone! I am loved and cherished by a God that is cradling me at this very minute. I am wonderfully made in His image. He knows His plan for me. All I have to do is show up, and listen for His voice. I can't promise that I won't drift. I'm human after all... But I will say this, I will do everything in my power to keep God fresh in my mind. Even when I'm angry at Him, questioning Him, I still want to feel His presence. I don't know what Laurie was thinking in her final moments... I wish I could have read back to her all her wonderful encouragements. I wish I was there to remind her that God is bigger than people. That He loves her beyond her imagination. Beyond human parameters. I am just so thankful that He was there with her even in those moments. And mostly that she saw His face in the moments that followed. I've been learning a lot from Laurie's life and death. I have a TON of questions, emotions, and struggles. But right this minute I'm learning that I want to be here to see what God will do with my life (yours too). Yes, I wrestle with being a pudgy cripple, but I'm thrilled to be on this journey. Mostly, because I know that God made me on purpose...

Hey Cousin-

"Mandy,
As long as I'm your cousin I will always support you and the things you
are passionate about. I trust your judgment and the things that you feel
are right for your life. I pray that God would continue to let you know
what is right and what His will is for your life. I admire the way you live
your life so independently and so trusting of our God. You amaze me when
you are willing to just go out and do something even when you don't know
that it will actually work out. I love being your cousin...

in Him,
Laurie" -Excerpt from email December 2002

Too much Dust in my head...

Today has been very heavy. This blog has been helpful in processing my thoughts, but these emotions are almost too raw to publish sometimes. I feel pressure to be "Okay now". I know my sunny days will come in time, but is it too much to ask to be allowed time to feel? I need some private time, or time with the rest of my grieving "people". I need to cry without someone hushing me. I need to laugh without guilt. I need the me of right now to just be accepted. No, I'm not my "usual self" lately. I may never be that girl again. Can't people just learn to love this new girl? She may not be as bubbly as before, but she's still real cute!

Surprised by Joy...

Our God is so good!

I can't speak for anyone else, but for the last three weeks I have felt crushed. I've found it difficult to breathe. I've felt as if moments of true happiness may be lost forever. But God is still here. In the midst of this unbearable pain, He has given me glimpses of joy. A friend who hugs me for no reason. An encouraging note on a blog. A chance to laugh with friends. These things lift my spirits. I'm still broken, and my life will forever be altered by recent events. Tomorrow, It may be harder to find a light moment. Yet God has shown me that joy is still present, even in grief. I may be in the middle of a truly dark storm, but God promises me the sun. I'm so thankful to see that far down the road. My sunny days to come...

A pebble on the ocean...

Today I have realized that even the smallest pebble can leave a ripple in the ocean. My heart is broken, and I feel helpless, damaged, left out. I wish I could offer comfort to those that I love. I will never be that friend who hops in their car and drives out to be with you. Laur was that kind of friend. How can I help without becoming "in the way"? Yet, rather than focus on those things I'm unable to do, I choose to do this. Today I will pray for each of you by name. Today I will hold your hand in my heart. I will pray for you on your voicemail. I will drop you an email. I will show that I love you. That I'm here for you. Even when I can't be present. And I will become that small pebble skipping on this ocean of pain, and sorrow. If you quiet your heart, you will feel it. The ripples God is allowing my prayers to make in your day. I thank God for the gift of His Holy Spirit. I pray that you all feel lifted in prayer today.

Flying So Low...

Pray for me... Pray for all of us.

Anyone who knew her, even a little, knows how devastating this has been. She was my cousin, but more than that, she was my friend. I wish I had known. I wish I could have helped her. If only she had reached out. If only...
There are a million thoughts spinning in my head. I'm trying to sort things out. I don't have any answers. I may never have them. For now, I'm relying on God. One day at a time. Who am I kidding? One hour at a time...