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Heidi, Eeyore, Me... 
It's been one month since the Disney trip. I'd love to say I'm healed of all my heartbreak, and all is right with the world. But, I'm afraid that's just not how life works. Getting away really helped me clear my head. I needed fresh perspective. It was so nice to spend time with my sister in the happiest place on earth. I wish I could go back. My real life is pressing in on me. Even there, I could not fully block out Laurie's death. I hate that this is real. I hate that my family has to "recover" from another loss. I wish I could fix what is broken. Will we ever surface from this? God I hope so...
Tonight is my last session of grief support at Willow Creek. I think I'm really ready for it to be over. I feel like each time I go there I'm reopening a wound that is trying to heal. It has been a great place to share and reflect, but I'm ready to move on now. Laurie is in my head and my heart, but I can't keep reliving this pain. I want to celebrate life and all it has to offer! I think my brother put it best. He said "losing loved ones makes appreciate life more. I want to grieve when I need to, but I don't want to miss out on living my own life to the fullest." That's how I'm feeling about the grief process right now. I don't want to hide from the pain or ignore it. But, what I really don't want to do, is get so lost in the grief that I no longer enjoy my one and only life. I want to be fully present in all that I do. I don't want to miss one moment of the good stuff God has for me.
This week is just plain madness. Monday was my mom's birthday (she would have been 55). I went to work, but in a strange course of events, I ended up at home both Monday, and Tuesday. Plenty of time to sit at home and stew on the stuff I avoid. I'm so thankful that Aunt Gail and Bob stopped by on Tuesday to hang out. I needed the companionship. I'm doing so much better since my vacation, but I still feel like I'm sinking sometimes. Grief and depression seem to wait patiently for my guard to drop... It's strange how solitude forces you to deal with yourself. Sometimes, I hate what I see when I look at my insides. I have such a large capacity for darkness. Thank God He loves me in spite of myself! Please pray for me. I could really use the support.
God Bless!
Everyone around me seems to be discussing hope lately. What brings you hope? What steals your hope? What do you put your hope in? It's seems emotionally driven for a lot of people. I for one think hope is more factual than emotional. Everything in this life changes regularly. If I place my hope in people, at some point I will get burned. If I place my hope in possessions, I'm bound to feel empty. If I hope in myself, I'm going to let myself down. I need to hope in something steady and constant. If hope is what keeps us alive and and motivates us to get out of bed each day, than I certainly don't want to rest my hope in the hands of chaos. So after much thought, I've figured I would define my hope.
I do not have hope that tomorrow will be better than today. It usually doesn't work out that way.
I do not have hope in my body's wellbeing, or a healthy life. My body has never been that good to me.
I do not have hope for the safety and happiness of the people I love. This is simply not reasonable.
I do not have hope in the improvement of myself. I will continually let myself down.
I have hope in God. I know that no matter what tomorrow brings, He is with me.
I have hope in God. He will use me for a time on earth, and then He'll bring me home.
I have hope in God. Life is full of loss and suffering, but one day I'll see my loved ones again.
I have hope in God. I am a broken creature, yet I am made perfect through Jesus Christ!
I honestly don't say these things because they are the "Christian" response. I say them because they are true of me. I am not going to waste my one and only life being trapped in disillusionment and hopelessness. Hope can not be shaken if it is rooted in something unshakable. It has taken me years to learn this. I may still struggle with depression from time to time. Life is hard, and I'm an active participant in this human struggle. Yet, Hope will not leave me. It is at the bottom of who I am.
Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait for the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not faint.
This is my life verse. This sums up my hope, faith, and passion. Please take a moment and share your life verse, or a verse with special meaning to you in the "Comments".
Scarlett and I...
On the last day of my trip, it became clear to me that God really does have a master plan. Ever since the plans for this vacation were set into motion I kept asking "why me?" I was so blown away by this incredible gift. I felt very unworthy of such a blessing. Needing rest and healing though, there was no way I could pass this one up! Now I know that God's timing is perfect...
Being away gave me some time to smooth out a few of my rough edges. The magic of Disney World brought me back to the simple joys of my childhood. I remembered what it was like to be carefree and lighthearted. It has been so long since I've felt that... The cruise offered me peace and relaxation. I rested in a way that I have not been able to do since Laurie's death. I had a massage, and soaked up the sun. I took naps in the middle of the day! I laughed with my sister like I haven't done in years! =) I so needed this time to regroup. I feel lighter now somehow.
I met Scarlett as we were going through customs and leaving the ship. It turns out we had been almost the exact same vacation itinerary (Disney World, Polynesian Resort, Disney Wonder) yet we had not seen one another until the very last minute. I spotted her in line and her mini wheelchair made me smile. It wasn't until I looked closer that I noticed similarities between us physically... Scarlett is 5 yrs old, and she has Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita (AMC). This is the same disability that I was born with. For those of you who don't know me personally, AMC is very rare. I've only met 7 people with AMC in my entire life, and it almost never looks quite the same as the next case. I was amazed at the similarities between us. How cool to be able to relate to what this young girl is going through. Her parents are outstanding! It was fun to introduce them to Heidi. They asked "Do you live with your sister then?" You should have seen their faces when I said "No. I live on my own and work in Chicago." What a blessing to be able to share my crazy life experiences with this family! I was able to give them a glimpse into the kind of future Scarlett might one day achieve. I now know exactly why God blessed me with this trip, at this time, at this exact stage of my life. I'm just thrilled to have a small vision of the "Big Picture"!
Right now things are pretty rough for my family, and those grieving Laurie... But I know that God will use this tragedy to impact someone. My life reminds me that God makes all things beautiful in their own time. Know that I'm praying for all of us. I pray that we come through this stronger, and better equipped to help others.
Blessings!
Mandy
What The Duck?
When we were in Disney World, Heidi and I stayed in one of the nicest resorts that Disney offers. The Polynesian Resort is truly beautiful! Each morning on this trip I had made it my habit to sit on our patio and read my bible for a bit while Heidi got herself ready. On this particular morning, a couple of hungry duckling decided to stop in for breakfast! I think my exact words were "Heidi! No one will believe this! Get the camera, there are DUCKS IN OUR ROOM!" We gave them some Mickey Mouse shaped crackers and sent them on their way... It was one of the stranger experiences on this trip. =) And now I've shared it with all of you!
My sister is five years older than me, yet at times I feel like we're twins. She is my heart. I don't know anyone like her. Of course, we are siblings, so there have been times when we've wanted to choke each other, but at the end of the day, she's still my rock and my best friend. God certainly knew what He was doing when He put us together.
Heidi and I just had a fabulous vacation together. I wish everyone I know could have such a blessing in their lives. We saw EVERYTHING in Disney World, and then we enjoyed the Bahamas. I think the best part was just being together. We laughed so often on this trip. One of the most fun parts of our trip happened on accident. We were supposed to get up early and head out to the Magic Kingdom (my favorite part of DW). However, in our exhaustion the night before, neither of us remembered to charge my batteries on my wheelchair. =) So instead of heading out early, we stayed in our suite till noon waiting for my chair to recharge. We played cards and ate room service... We even had a visit from some hungry ducks (long story)!
What a gift it was to hang out with Heidi. I wish you all could know her like I do. Heidi does not have the time or the inclination to blog. In fact, I'm not even sure if she reads this. Instead we share a paper journal. Every week we trade off. I just wanted to share this glimpse into the writings of my amazing, beautiful, encouraging sister!
On 5/12/05 Heidi wrote:
"I am worried about my sister! She needs to remember why her life is so valuable. She has the ability to touch and warm a cold heart. May our upcoming trip let her relax, reflect, and remember!!!"
On 6/7/05 Heidi wrote:
"...We are home from the BESTEST trip and I hope my sister knows I LOVE HER! Great time, so much fun, and really bad sunburn! =) Oh well... We loved it."
Can you see why I love her so much!?!? She's so sweet! She also genuinely cares what's happening in my heart. I need that so much these days...
Today I challenge you all. If you love someone, TELL THEM. Take 10 minutes out of your day to tell someone how blessed you feel to have them in your corner.
Pina Coladas at sea...
Today is Kim's 25th birthday! Outside of family, Kim is my oldest and dearest friend. She has been at my side since the second grade. She has been there for me through countless life events. I have spent so much energy on grief in the last few months, I wanted to be sure I took a moment to celebrate the life of someone I love.
Happy Birthday Kim!
I hope this year shines bright with possibilities. You have absolutely no idea what your friendship means to me. I hope one day I can be there for you like you're always there for me. God Bless!
Laur,
Happy 21st Birthday! I bet heaven throws the best parties huh? It hurts me that we won't get to follow through on the plans that we made. Your birthday was always a two week event, and this year was extra special. 21. I can't believe it. I feel old at 25. You've aged me girlie. This missing you has accelerated my years... I love you Laurie Boncimino! Today I'm going to try to do something in your honor. I think I'll pay for the coffee of the next person in line at Starbucks. Surprising someone with an act of kindness in the middle of their crazy day. That reminds me of the best part of you.
Tonight I'll sit on my patio and have a toast to you... I have so many memories of you and I out there. Club Girls, Steph, cereal in coffee mugs... I would have loved a thousand more of those moments! I guess that wasn't part of your plans... I may never understand why you chose to leave Laurie, but I'm glad there is joy and peace for you now. And no matter how great your birthday celebration would have been on earth, I know that you're at the ultimate party in heaven. I'm sure Steph joins me in picturing you and my mom doing the "running man" with Jesus! I love you sweetie! Now and ALWAYS!
Your Cousin,
Mand
Today I decided to take action. There are too many things in my life that are hindering me instead of helping me. I'm tired of "going with the flow". I need change. I feel like if I don't move towards something, I might just go crazy. Has anyone else ever felt this way? So today I've enrolled in another online course. I love my schooling from Trinity, but it isn't very practical at this point. I'm working very hard for a degree that I'm not even sure I want anymore. I have two more years to complete my degree, and to be honest, I'm not sure I can handle two more years in banking. So today I followed the advise of an employment counselor friend of mine. I'm enrolled in an online medical transcription/billing course. Once I am certified, I can do this full or part time out of my house. That would be an answered prayer. I'm not quitting my job downtown. I'm just trying to give myself more options. Please be praying for me. I feel really good about this move, but I need to be prayerful in all things... Please pray also that God provides the $$$ it's going to take to complete this course. I'm not worried. God is good. Have a blessed day everyone. I hope all is well in your world. If anyone else feels prompted into action today, I pray God gives you great boldness!
Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery. It's amazing to look back and see how much my life has changed in that fairly short period of time.
When I was preparing for this procedure, I made a list of things I'd like to accomplish once I'd lost my "excess baggage". The list is comprised of 56 items and I've never shared the complete list with anyone. I had decided that going through with this drastic surgery was for me, and me alone. Some of my goals are very private. However, here I sit, 2 years later and 115 lbs lighter! I've been able to check off so many things on my list... Here are just a few:
I've gotten myself out of bed unassisted. I never believed it was possible.
I've been willing/able to use leg braces again. This has allowed me to stand and stretch and walk (clumsily of course).
I've spent time on boats. That's something I haven't done since I was very young.
I've bought pants in a size 10 (I hadn't done that since I WAS 10!)
Perhaps the most important accomplishment has been swimming... I had not swam in 7 years! My mother's death had left me terrified of being trapped. I almost drowned on that day and water (which was such a freedom and a joy) had since become my worst fear. I was convinced that I'd never swim again. But, as the pounds melted away and I began to feel more mobile, I found myself longing to love it again. Last summer I finally felt ready to try again. I had only swam that one time until last week! Now I can say I've also swam in a beautiful Disney resort, a pool in the middle of a ship, and most miraculously THE OCEAN!
I feel God talking to me today. He's giving me a glimpse of the bigger picture. I remember back to July of 1997. I was experiencing many of the same emotions then as I have gone through in the past 3 months. At that time, things were so dark for me that I couldn't see things ever getting brighter. God has healed me of my fear of water. And He has brought me joy in something I thought would forever horrify me. Praise God for His timing! It didn't happen over night. In fact, it took eight years. Today I have hope that I will heal from Laurie's death. Nothing is ever the same after we lose the people we love, but in time, God mends what is broken.
So, what have I learned in two years? I've learned that losing weight doesn't magically "fix" what's broken. I've learned that being healthy does not mean I need to be anyone else but me. I've learned that scars heal. I've learned that God keeps His promises in my life. I've learned that sometimes you have to go through long periods of darkness, but the sun will shine again.
Today I pray each of you feel renewal and hope!
