Waiting to Exhale...

I feel like we're all under observation. Kind of like a house arrest or parole of sorts. Thanks to Laurie, we all watch each other more closely. Don't get me wrong. In some ways it's a good thing. We say "I love you" more. We check in with one another more frequently. We make more time fore each other. That part is good. Very good. Yet there is a new fear among us. Now that we have been made painfully aware of how far a loved one can slip, we are easily shaken. It never used to bother me if someone didn't call me right back. "Leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as I can"... Ok, fine. Except now I know what it feels like when you never get that call. I panic if I start thinking too long on it. The feeling of not knowing where my loved ones are is highly upsetting. It takes me back to that day. The day I called her voicemail over and over... I had a similar experience twice in recent days and it literally left me drained. I miss the days when I didn't know the worst case scenario. I wish I could go back to a time when if someone didn't call me back, it meant their batteries were low. I also wish we all still had the freedom to disappear for a while. We can't just fade out anymore. Even if we wanted to, there's always the knowledge of how worried someone else will be if I don't connect. It was selfish what Laurie did. She took away our right to minor breakdowns. Thanks to her, it's all or nothing. I pray we all hold up under this new strain...