My Hands...

I find myself in a new place emotionally yet again. Little bits of warm memories of Laurie are trying to soothe the rough spots on my heart. This morning I was reminded of a time when I gave away a part of myself to Laur. I was 8. She was 4. We were playing together and she said in a cute little voice (not unlike Maya's) "Manny, I like your cute little hands. Can I have them?" And so we traded. For the last 16 years or so, I've had Laurie's hands, and she's had mine.
Over the years we often commented on the swap (on the last day I saw her in fact). We would ask each other how it was going, were we ready to trade back yet, etc. The funny thing though, was that neither of us ever really wanted to trade back. She liked having my tiny, cute, yet rather useless little hands. I liked having useful skilled hands of my own. Having Laurie's hands meant that she took me with her. When she went to Mexico, fed the homeless, held a friend in comfort, entertained the elderly, played the piano, or journaled her heart out, I got to share a small bit of that. And now, in small ways, I'm carrying her with me in my small "princess hands". They may not be as functional, but they're good hands. Hands that comfort. Hands that quilt. Hands to hold when you need a friend. I'm glad she's there with me then. I'm so glad we traded hands...

Can I Just say....

God is so good...

He has once again nourished and revitalized my spirit. This morning my bible opened to Mark 5:36 "...Do not fear, only believe."

God has asked me to trust Him again this morning, and I accept the invitation. What I love about our God is His desire to have a true relationship with every individual. He never angers when I rage at Him. He always holds me when I cry. He knows exactly what I'm feeling, because He hard wired me personally. There is freedom in knowing that He never leaves us. I committed myself to a relationship with Him when I was 13. Even when I have drifted, or rebelled, He has remained close. He patiently waits for my submission to His Spirit. He wants to do good things with my life. His plan is so much better than my own. And even now when my heart feels crushed, He accepts my offering. I offer my self to God again today. Broken and bleeding, I know He can use me. On my desk, I have the words to a great Hymn by Frances Ridley Havergal

Take My Life and Let It Be

Take my life and let it be

Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;

Take my moments and my days

Let them flow in ceaseless praise

Take my hands and let them move

At the impulse of Thy love;

Take my feet and let them be

Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing

Always, only, for my King;

Take my lips and let them be

Filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold

Not a mite would I withhold;

Take my intellect and use

Every power as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it Thine

It shall be no longer mine;

Take my heart, it is Thine own,

It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour

At Thy feet it's treasure store;

Take myself, and I will be

Ever, only, all for Thee.

I seriously need this as a daily reminder.

I apologize if yesterdays blog upset anyone. I can't apologize for what I said though because it was/is true to my feelings. The crazy thing about grief is that you can actually feel a thousand clashing emotions at once. And that's okay. My feelings of gratitude, and brokenness are both very real, and simultaneous. I have so many layers to work through because of this loss... I'm trying. Please bare with me, and please love me through it. The scariest thing I can imagine right now is isolation. It kills you know. I've seen it first hand.

Damaged...

I think something must be broken. I feel so very ineffective today. Everything I touch seems to crumble. I'm having one of those "you can't help anyway, so why bother?" kind of days. I'm all alone and I hate it. God is here, but I need a hug. I need encouragement. I need to feel for just a moment that things are going to be ok. I miss my friend.... She died and I'm not even allowed to hate her killer. If I do, I'm a bad cousin, a horrible Christian, and an overall insensitive bitch. But this is my inner struggle. I miss Laurie, and I miss my sense of well being. She didn't just take her own life, she blew a hole in my reality. I feel so panicked sometimes. It's as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Who's next? Heidi? Katie? Greg? Kristin? Steph?, Barb? ME? Which one of my beloved family members will deceive me next? Will they smile in my face one minute, and then calmly ruin EVERYTHING in the next? Laurie spoke so often about struggling with trust. Well, way to go Laur! Without intending to, you've destroyed any sense of trust I ever felt in the security of this family!

I apologize if my blog seems bi-polar recently, but at least I choose to be real. I like my crazy right out there where I can see it. At least then you know what you're up against.

Gratitude...

I'm grateful for so many things in my life. I feel so overwhelmed by the circumstances of the last few months. Sometimes it helps me to list the blessings. So here goes:

I serve a relational God who made me on purpose

I have an AMAZING family that shares openly with others

I have friends who build me up, and hold me when I'm down

I can not walk, but I can communicate my thoughts and feelings

This world is broken, but I have the promise of eternity in paradise

And more specifically...

I have gifts from God that He uses daily

I belong to a church that allows women to reach their full potential

I have siblings who would walk through fire for me

I have a father that will drop anything if I need him

I have uncles, aunts, cousins, and friends who remind me that I matter

I have people in my life that love me so much that they send me on vacation in order to rest

I have a relationship with my assistants that I wouldn't change for the world

I have a disability that is often a far greater blessing than it is a curse

And every time I'm broken over the loss of one more loved one, I'm reminded that I will see them again one day in the full glory of God's Kingdom

For all the above PRAISE GOD!

I may hate life today. I may feel desperate to surface from this pain and grief. I may feel like I'll never be "ok" again. Yet I know that for me, focusing on the good helps. It does not ease the hurts, it doesn't "make it better". Doing this just helps me keep it in perspective. That's my prayer today for all of us. "Heavenly Father, please helps us keep this stuff in perspective. Use us for Your "BIG PICTURE" Lord. Remind us daily that we aren't alone, and we aren't an accident. Focus our eyes on you so that we may be a light unto the world. We praise Your Holy name. AMEN!"

Fresh Ink...

This weekend I turned 25. Some friends and family took me out to celebrate. To commemorate this quarter century event, my favorite big sister bought me a tattoo. I now have a tinkerbell on my lower back. I absolutely LOVE it! I love that it makes me think of my sister and reminds me that our relationship is permanent. She'll always be my big sister, and for that I'm thankful.
I had such a great weekend. It felt good to be out among friends. Heidi, Marie, Steph, Katie, Jen, Lil Jen, Tiffany, Robyn, Brian, Jim, thank you all for making my Birthday a BLAST! You have no idea how badly I needed to get out. Things have been so draining lately. I so needed to laugh out loud. Thank you Katie for blessing dinner and my life. It means a lot to me to carry your words in my heart.
I had a break through this weekend. For the first time in a long while, I was able to enjoy something without feeling guilty, or making it about Laurie. I still miss her horribly, but I was able to have fun without that familiar weight on my shoulders... It's as if the inner part of myself (the part in constant communication with Laurie) said "Laurie, not EVERYTHING centers around you. I choose to make this moment my own." I'm sure that to some people this statement seems odd. But, I have to allow room for every emotion. Part of myself needs to be defiant in the face of this much pain. I hope others can understand at some point. Maybe you've been there yourself. Maybe not...
For now I am where I am. I can't rush the grief process. It's two steps forward, nine steps back. At least I'm being honest with myself. That's the best I can do.

BREATHE

Over the last two days I've gotten to attend the first ever Willow Creek Women's Conference. It was titled BREATHE. What an incredible blessing. Having been raised at WCCC, I never really thought about what it means to have freedom to play ANY role in your church as a woman. I'm so glad that I come from a place that encourages women to use ALL their God given gifts, and talents. This conference helped me to reevaluate my position in life. It has me asking questions like "What is my purpose in life?", and "How can I serve Him best?" All I know is, God knew what He was going when He created me. I just wish He'd clue me in. I have a ton to think about tonight.

God Bless!

Numbers 6:24-26

'May the Lord bless you

and protect you.

May the Lord smile on you

and be gracious to you.

May the Lord show you His favor

and give you His peace.'

This is my prayer for everyone who reads my blog today...

Holding God's hand....

I've entered a dark place. Even when I feel happy I'm struggling to stay afloat. I am leaning on God very hard right now. I'm holding His hand and asking Him to protect me. I need Him to shield my mind. He is so faithful. Even when I feel broken, He reminds me that I'm not alone. I'm just so tired now... I feel spiritually exhausted. I long to withdraw. So I stay busy. I know from past experience how unhealthy it is to shut myself in. I look back on past postings that I've written. I still believe what I've said in the past. My sunny days will come. I just need to sit patiently in the dark right now... If you're broken, and afraid of the dark too, then maybe you can join me. Instead of doing this separately, maybe we can sit together and wait out the storm. Just you, me, and God. I'm so glad He's bigger than the darkness.

Blessed...

I am amazed daily at the ways God provides for my life. Not just in big ways like the vacation (which still blows my mind by the way). Yesterday God showed me several times that I'm not alone. He provided a listening ear when I needed to talk some stuff out. This came in the form of a friend on my train. At church last night another friend gave me a CD that was created for those who are grieving suicide... For those that know me, you'll appreciate how God used music in this case as a comfort tool. How sweet of my friends to do that for me. It feels good to know that people are thinking of me.
The best comfort of all yesterday came in the form of hugs. What a simple way to show someone you love them. I've never been a real touchy-feely person. My love language, like Laurie's, has usually been words of affirmation. But in recent weeks, I find that I need hugs. I feel safer somehow when I'm wrapped up in the arms of someone who loves me. I feel like in those moments, I'm going to be ok. Maybe not today, but one day in the future. If you get the chance, hug someone that matters to you today.

Irregular Flight Patterns...

I have such a mix of emotions today. I'm hurting over the loss of Laurie. I'm excited about my vacation plans. I feel guilty for feeling happy in the middle of feeling sad. Does that make sense? I'm struggling with anger right now too. I wish I could rewind time. I wish I could hug Laurie again. I wish I could make her take it all back. I know that Laurie did this without consideration to how badly she would hurt us. I know that in her mind things were so full she couldn't possibly know the impact of her death. However, I'm here, and she gets to be in heaven. She committed murder, and we have to suffer the aftermath. I'm humbled by the power of God in all this. I'm comforted in knowing that Jesus' death was enough to forgive EVERY sin. I'm not trying to say that murder is any worse than the sins I have participated in. This anger isn't about compared wrong doing. This is about someone hurting my cousin, injuring my family, and generally destroying my sense of well being. There is no "Safe Place" anymore. It used to feel like trials "hit" my family from the outside, but we always remained strong together. We've been through so much death and heartache already... But this new pain is unthinkable. That Laurie could harm us from the inside is too horrendous to deal with. I feel betrayed. I feel cheated. I want to go back. I want to regain my innocence. I'm too young to have aged this much. I want to be happy again. I want to laugh hard and mean it! How are we ever supposed to survive this?

Dancing Queen...

This weekend was so good! My heart is still broken, but at least I haven't forgotten how to have fun. I danced the night away at the reception Saturday. I laughed until my sides hurt. I hugged the people that I love. Missing Laurie has consumed me. Grieving the loss of my cousin,and friend has taken up all my spare energy. This Saturday was different. The pain was still there, but so was the joy. I felt like Laurie was close by in those moments of celebration. She would be the first person to join me on the dance floor. And I felt her there with me. Today is a lot harder. My everyday life is hard to navigate when my world is shattered. Still I thank God for the gift of this weekend. I'm so glad I got to smile with my family and friends. Today I hope everyone who reads this remembers to appreciate their family.

The Wedding...

Today my brother Joe is getting married. I'm so looking forward to this big day. Libby is such a sweetheart! I'm glad she's being added to our crazy mix. It's been a while since we've all gathered for a happy occasion. I can't wait to dance and laugh and just be together.

How Great is our God?!?!

I can't believe how amazing our God is! He is faithful to provide for my needs even when things seem impossible. Last night, with the help of an incredible couple, God blessed my socks off!
If you've read back through my blog you may have seen my "10 Things..." list. One of those things on my list was to see the ocean. Friends, I will soon be able to check this off the list. A friend of mine approached me last night and informed me that he and his wife have been praying for me and they feel lead to send me and a friend of my choosing on a Walt Disney Cruise! They were originally planning an anniversary trip to Europe, but decided that now is just not the right time. Rather, they both felt called to offer me this HUGE BLESSING! Can you even believe it?! I will see the ocean (I may even swim in it). I will visit the place that brings me my favorite memories of my mother. This is so much more than I could ever have dreamed of...
The wonderful couple that has provided this blessing has asked that they not be known (outside of me of course). They wanted to make it clear to me that this is not a gift from them. "Give God the credit" he said. Well you know what? I will! Praise God for making such generous people! Praise God for granting me a sunny day in the midst of this darkness! Praise God for showing me yet again that I matter to Him!

God bless you all!

Breakdown...

Last night at church I came unglued. During worship we sang "Shout To The Lord". I couldn't stop thinking of the email Laurie sent while in Mexico about that song. I miss her so much sometimes it actually hurts to breathe. Thank God for Heidi. Never being big on weeping in public, I buried my face in Heidi's shoulder and let it all spill out. I love knowing the kind of people who hold you even when they know things can't be "fixed". There is no cure for grief. Kind of like the common cold, it just has to take it's course. I just need to feel what I feel. I hope people around me can handle that.
In the last several weeks God has been offering me great blessings mixed with this heartbreak. I couldn't ask for a more faithful and compassionate Father. Just when I think I'm going to break beyond repair, He sends me comfort in so many forms. He's also blessed me with options an choices. I don't feel "stuck" like I usually do. God is good. I am broken, but God is still here.

I wish you all comfort and blessings in the middle of your own breakdowns...

Aunt Barb...

What can I say about Aunt Barb? She is the strongest woman I know. God radiates through her. She has been a parental figure to me since my mom died 7 years ago. She's always there when I need her. I've never known anyone else so willing to be involved. She loves me unconditionally. She reminds me that I belong to God. She shows me daily what it means to be a God honoring woman. I'm so blessed to call her family. I wish I could do more. I wish I could hug her right now. For this moment, I will simply pray. I ask God to watch over this precious, wonderful woman. I ask for God to show her peace that passes human understanding. I pray that the Holy Spirit bring her comfort in this broken time...