Irregular Flight Patterns...

I have such a mix of emotions today. I'm hurting over the loss of Laurie. I'm excited about my vacation plans. I feel guilty for feeling happy in the middle of feeling sad. Does that make sense? I'm struggling with anger right now too. I wish I could rewind time. I wish I could hug Laurie again. I wish I could make her take it all back. I know that Laurie did this without consideration to how badly she would hurt us. I know that in her mind things were so full she couldn't possibly know the impact of her death. However, I'm here, and she gets to be in heaven. She committed murder, and we have to suffer the aftermath. I'm humbled by the power of God in all this. I'm comforted in knowing that Jesus' death was enough to forgive EVERY sin. I'm not trying to say that murder is any worse than the sins I have participated in. This anger isn't about compared wrong doing. This is about someone hurting my cousin, injuring my family, and generally destroying my sense of well being. There is no "Safe Place" anymore. It used to feel like trials "hit" my family from the outside, but we always remained strong together. We've been through so much death and heartache already... But this new pain is unthinkable. That Laurie could harm us from the inside is too horrendous to deal with. I feel betrayed. I feel cheated. I want to go back. I want to regain my innocence. I'm too young to have aged this much. I want to be happy again. I want to laugh hard and mean it! How are we ever supposed to survive this?