Damaged...

I think something must be broken. I feel so very ineffective today. Everything I touch seems to crumble. I'm having one of those "you can't help anyway, so why bother?" kind of days. I'm all alone and I hate it. God is here, but I need a hug. I need encouragement. I need to feel for just a moment that things are going to be ok. I miss my friend.... She died and I'm not even allowed to hate her killer. If I do, I'm a bad cousin, a horrible Christian, and an overall insensitive bitch. But this is my inner struggle. I miss Laurie, and I miss my sense of well being. She didn't just take her own life, she blew a hole in my reality. I feel so panicked sometimes. It's as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Who's next? Heidi? Katie? Greg? Kristin? Steph?, Barb? ME? Which one of my beloved family members will deceive me next? Will they smile in my face one minute, and then calmly ruin EVERYTHING in the next? Laurie spoke so often about struggling with trust. Well, way to go Laur! Without intending to, you've destroyed any sense of trust I ever felt in the security of this family!

I apologize if my blog seems bi-polar recently, but at least I choose to be real. I like my crazy right out there where I can see it. At least then you know what you're up against.