Is It Just Me?

I have one question today.

Has anyone out there ever been told (to their face) that someone would have aborted them if they belonged to them? I've now been told 5 times in my lifetime that if given the choice, someone would have aborted me if I was theirs. How revolting! How ignorant! Thank God for being clever enough to drop me in my family... Food for thought.

I Wonder...

What would life look like if I laid it all down? If I poured out the junk and allowed God to clean house... No doubt it would be a painful procedure, but I have a feeling that quicker is better. Like ripping off a bandage, or resetting a break, I bet the longer you take, the more suffering is involved. What if I could let go of past hurts? How would my life change if I no longer felt that sting? People have wronged me! Yet I have also wounded others... I have done more damage to my self than I can even recall. The fear, anxiety, depression, heartache, all of it is not what God has for me. So what would it feel like to start over fresh? I'm committed to finding out. I'll have to delve into this and see where it leads me.... What would life look like, if I became the me, I was born to be? I wonder...

The Lies Satan Whispers...

I can't speak for anyone else, but Satan has been working overtime this week. He has slipped into a window in my head several times this week. Here is what he tells me...

"You are in the way".

"You will never make a difference".

"You deserve to be treated this way".

"You are too fat".

"You are useless".

"You are ugly".

"You will never be loved".

"You are too clumsy".

"You are a burden".

"You don't deserve nice things".

"You are broken".

"You are damaged".

"You are alone".

"You are unworthy".

I'm trying hard to combat his vile mumblings. It's hard sometimes though, and I get exhausted. What does Satan tell you?

Job Posting?

So I've been thinking, and I've decided to follow a prompting. I need a new evening assistant. Things are not currently working out for me, and although I care about the young woman who currently assists me, I need someone a bit more consistent. So rather than panic, or flip out, or weep... I've decided to pray about it. This has led me to blog about it. I have no real idea who reads my blathering, but I do know that people are tuning to my whole family. With that being the case, all I can do is hope that this message meets the right person. So here's the description:

I'm looking for someone to work M,T,Th,F 6pm-10pm. They need to have a clean driving record, and the ability to drive my mini van. I need assistance with all areas of personal care (I would be happy to expound privately). I also need help with cooking, cleaning, shopping and of course laundry. If you, or someone you know live in the McHenry area, and are interested in this type of position, please email me at pixiegirl@netscape.com.

Thanks!
Mandy

The Overnight... in Mandyland.

I know there have been posts about the lakefront Overnight, but this post is unrelated. However, this overnight did require mental and physical endurence training, as well as prayers and support for all who participated... =)

Seriously though, we had a BLAST with the kids this weekend! They were well behaved and so much fun to spend time with. Denver taught me how to play his V-TEK. He did a great job combing my hair... He even helped Aunt Heidi make rice krispie treats! Maya and I spent time playing with Hello Kitty, baby dolls, and oodles of Strawbery Shortcake band aids. I taught her a new way to bundle her babydoll and she was so thrilled, she said "ohh, it's just like baby Jesus"! Isaiah was so cute running around and playing with Bagel (Heidi's puppy). He doesn't actually say dog though... It sounds more like Doh Doh. Too fun!

The clean mud was a total hit! If you're ever in need of an awsome outdoor craft idea, clean mud rules! The kids all helped rip up the toilet paper (even Isaiah), and they got a kick out of smooching it all together with their fingers and toes. I'll be posting some great pictures just as soon as Heidi downloads them.


Tommy & Katie,

Thank you for trusting me with the kids. It was a pleasure. I see so much of both of you reflected in these children. It's such a neat thing to be part of their lives.

Mandy

Adventures in Babysitting!

Tonight should be interesting.


Heidi and I have the great honor of watching Denver, Maya, and Isaiah overnight... The kids have all slept over in Mandyland before, but this will be the first time without Katie. Nervous? Not really, I'm actually looking forward to some quality time with some of the cutest people on earth! Heidi, being her natural crafty self, has some real fun stuff planned for these guys... Ever hear of "clean mud"? It's made with soap and toilet paper, and other cool stuff. It ends up being this fun smoochie glop that kids have a blast playing with. The best part is, the stuff doesn't stain, and if you get messy, it's seriously easy cleanup. Email me if you want the recipe...
I'm glad Katie trusts us with her children. Spending time at my aunts' homes when I was a kid is one of my all time favorite memories. I would love to create that for the next generation.

Country Thunder!

A side note for Heidi... Last night was one of the funnest concerts EVER! Thanks for making me laugh ("does this smell fruity weird..."?) out loud! Thanks for catching me up on what's going on with the doctors. I really enjoyed singing along with you("come back to Texas..."), and especially, the late night dancing! I love you BUNCHES and I'll see ya tonight.

Let's all pray that Katie's hair doesn't take 4 hours to repair. She is using my bathtub to rinse after all! =)

How Selfish Am I?

So,

I've been thinking. Once again I'm spending WAY to much time on self analysis. SHAME ON ME! How are you all doing? Please help me turn my mind around. If you could just click "Comments" and let me know how I can be praying for YOU, that would be excellent! I'd really appreciate a chance to talk to God about anything other than my own crazy head. Feel free to post anonymously if you need to. Thanks all!

Amanda

Dear Laurie,

It's been a while since I've been able to talk to you, so I thought I'd drop you a note. Strange isn't it how I can still write you even though I'll never get a response? I miss you Laur. I miss late night conversations about everything. I miss being called "beautiful cousin". I miss laughing with you and crying with you, but mostly I miss being "real" with you. As I've looked back over our emails from Mexico to March, I notice a subtle decline in your genuine nature. I can't say that there were any "red flags" to speak of, but you seemed to have sort of drifted a bit. To be honest, I wrote it off as a sign of maturing, but now I feel sick when I think of all I didn't see. Why couldn't you show me? All those nights when we talked about life, death, faith, and purpose, why couldn't you let your guard down for just a moment and tell me what was really brewing? Was your pride so strong that you couldn't show weakness, or was it simply that you were afraid I couldn't hold your broken pieces? I would have liked to have the opportunity. God knows you weren't the first of us to ponder suicide, but I'm still amazed that you took it that far. Was hope really hidden that well? What about in the faces of your niece and nephews? I realize you weren't thinking clearly, but it's almost impossible for me to forgive you for damaging those precious children. Not to mention your parents,siblings,Steph, Scott, Drew, everyone. Rage bubbles inside me for how stupid and selfish your death was. You chose a way out that didn't force you to deal with one single issue. Instead you left us all shattered and beaten, trying to reassemble our hearts, and lives. Did you see your services? A thousand people came to see you. Did you have a clue how loved and admired you were? People who have never met you are carrying you in their hearts now. I can't help but wonder what kind of impact you could have made on the world over the next 60 years... What are we supposed to do without you Laurie? Why did you have to hurt us like this? I wish I could punch you. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could see you smile... I can't hardly wait for my turn in heaven. I want to see mom, and grandma, and you. Elijah, Moses, Mary... I want to know what Jesus looks like when He laughs! I can't wait to be free to run too. It's beautiful there isn't it? I wish you could show me a glimpse. For now, I will patiently wait my turn. No cutting in line for me. I want to live life to the fullest and ever ready to be used by God. I'll carry on for now. Not for you, but for me. I choose to live. Even when it hurts. I love you Laur. I'm glad you have peace. I'll see you sooner than it seems.

Your Cousin,
Mand

Once Saved, Always Saved. AMEN!

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

by Robert Robinson

Come Thou Fount of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

Streams of mercy, never ceasing,

Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet,Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, Mount of God's unchanging love.
Here I raise my Ebenezer;

Hither by Thy help I'm come;

And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,

Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wandering from the fold of God;

He, to rescue me from danger,Interposed His precious blood.
O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be!

Let that grace now like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for thy courts above."

This song Is one of my favorite old Hymns. The language can be so confusing falling from a modern tongue. But, I'll say this, the last verse of this song has always given me chills. I know I'm prone to wander from God. In fact, sometimes when life is going too smoothly, I even forget to give Him credit for the blessings He has given. Thank God that He forgives us our wanderings and helps us in our unbelief. Even when we are far, He remains close.

I'm so thankful that God holds us even through our doubts and questions.

Just a Few Tid Bits....

I don't have much to say today. There's a ton of stuff floating around in my head. I think I'll sort it out later. For now...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Daddy!

Plus:

To the Laurie's Legacy team... WELL DONE! I'm so proud of you all for making the 20 mile journey together. I would have walked it with you if I could. You all have helped turn the lakefront into a place of hope instead of despair. Thank you for facing the pain of suicide head on, and for making a difference for countless unknown victims. You all exemplify Suicide Survival! Thank you for representing us all.


God Bless,
Mandy

From Where I'm Standing...Err Sitting...

Tuesday night, I rented Million Dollar Baby. I knew there was some upset in the "fairy princess community" when this film first came out, but to be honest I didn't understand what the hoopla was all about. I'm not a crazed advocate or a bitter "challenged person". I'm comfortable with my limitations and I try to cut society some slack when it comes to general ignorance and plain old stupidity. I understand that our world doesn't quite get it, and I've come to terms with the stares, stairs, questions, inaccessibility, etc. It's all part of the journey. I've never been afraid to speak out against injustices, but I try to keep everything in perspective.

That being said...

What an utter load of crap that was! My blood was boiling by the end of the movie. It's bad enough that our culture has an "if it's broken, throw it out" mentality, but this movie glorified the mind set to an ugly extreme. Like there is courage in giving up. As if being disabled justifies ending your life. Despair comes when you stop playing the hand you've been dealt. This isn't just true of disabled people. If everyone threw in the towel when life took an unexpected turn, we'd ALL be dead! I am so sick of this $#!%!!!!

We abort babies with disabilities, convincing ourselves that it's better this way... Better for whom?
We spend billions each year on cosmetic surgery, trying to improve our looks. Maybe if we spent less time on appearance, and more time on our hearts, we would actually like who we see in the mirror each morning!

Is it so impossible to understand that perfection is a mirage? When will we devote our energies to the stuff that really matters?

You know who I think deserves our movie going dollar? The makers of MURDERBALL. This is a film about a Rugby team comprised entirely of quadriplegic daredevils. Now that's worth seeing!

Innocence....

The early days of pixie power...

I've been thinking a lot lately. Maturing is a painful process. I for one, miss my childhood sometimes... Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but there are times when I'd like to go back to those innocent days.

Help me believe

Take me back to the time

When I was maybe eight or nine

And I believed

When Jesus walked on waters blue

And if He helped me, I could too

If I believed

Before rationale, analysis and systematic thinking

Robbed me of a sweet simplicity

When wonders and when mysteries

Were far less often silly dreams

And childhood fantasies

Help me believe

'Cause I don't want to miss any miracles

Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes

And I would shed this grownup skin I'm in

To touch an angel's wing

And I would be free
Help me believe

When mustard seeds made mountains move

A burning bush that spoke for You was good enough

When manna fell from heavens high

Just because You told the sky to open up

Am I too wise to recognize that everything uncertain

Is certainly a possibility?

When logic fails my reasoning

And science crushes underneath

The weight of all that is unseen

Help me believe

'Cause I don't want to miss any miracles

Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes

And I would shed this grownup skin I'm in

To touch an angel's wing

And I would be free

Help me believe

When someone else's education

Plays upon my reservations

I'm the first to cave, I'm the first to bleed

If I abandon all that seeks

To make my faith informed and chic

Could You, would You show Yourself to me?

Help me believe

'Cause I don't want to miss any miracles

Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes

And I would shed this grownup skin I'm in

To touch an angel's wing

And I would be free

Help me believe

Dear Friend,

Without saying your name, I feel sure you'll know this letter is for you.

I see you (the real you), and I think you are beautiful. I wish I could make you see your own value. You have a smile that lights up a room. It has been a while since that smile reached your eyes though, and I'm beginning to worry. How can you not see how much joy is there for you? Are you losing your way? Can I help you find it again? Please don't let yourself buy into Satan's lies. You are a child of God! You deserve to be treated like the royalty you are! Don't settle for less. I know you get lonely. I know you worry about the future. Fear Not! God is with you! And even if you never find that "perfect relationship", know that you're never alone. Satan has tried to rob you of your identity in Christ. You are convinced that you are lacking in some way, or that you are being punished for past choices. Please don't believe that lie... God is JUST, but never cruel. Lay your past at His feet, and leave it behind you. Head into your future with great hope and purpose! My favorite thing about you is the way you love others. I long for the day when I see you extend as much grace to yourself.
Thank you for always loving me better than I deserve. I hope you will allow me to return the favor one day. Until that time, know that you are loved. Know that I pray for you daily by name. Know that the creator of Heaven and Earth made you intentionally!

Love Always,

Mandy

Fin Del Mundo...

Sunset in Ushuaia, Argentina...

This picture was taken by a friend of mine. Fin Del Mundo means The End Of The World. That is what they call this area because it is the southernmost city in the world. I find this picture remarkably peaceful. If the end of the world is that beautiful, then what do I need to stress out about? It's hard to get my mind around this one truth, but I'm trying... The world had a beginning. It will also have an end. Does that blow anyone else's mind? We talk about the future as if it's promised to us. How presumptuous are we? Every hour is a gift from God. Every stunning sunset is a blessing. This picture reminds me to take it all in and be thankful. I pray that I never again forget to value the miracle of life. I am here for a reason. YOU are here for a reason! Find your purpose and value each day. I want to never forget that it's all a gift.

Smiles...

Reece E. Boncimino

How can anyone look at this face without grinning? Praise God for this new member of my family!

A Mother's love...

My mom was an amazing woman! I'm so blessed to have known her for 17 years... I wish she could see me now. What would she think of the woman I've become? Eight years now and I can still hear her voice in my head. My identity was shaped by this woman. My outlook on life was planted early in my heart by her. I would have liked to know her as an adult. I would have enjoyed having her visit my condo for coffee and a chat. But God clearly had other plans... No one I've ever known deserved heaven more than my mom. So, even though it hurts me that she's not here, and that I had to witness her departure, I'm glad she went home. I honestly don't think of her as gone forever. To me, she's just out of site for a while.