Dear Laurie,

It's been a while since I've been able to talk to you, so I thought I'd drop you a note. Strange isn't it how I can still write you even though I'll never get a response? I miss you Laur. I miss late night conversations about everything. I miss being called "beautiful cousin". I miss laughing with you and crying with you, but mostly I miss being "real" with you. As I've looked back over our emails from Mexico to March, I notice a subtle decline in your genuine nature. I can't say that there were any "red flags" to speak of, but you seemed to have sort of drifted a bit. To be honest, I wrote it off as a sign of maturing, but now I feel sick when I think of all I didn't see. Why couldn't you show me? All those nights when we talked about life, death, faith, and purpose, why couldn't you let your guard down for just a moment and tell me what was really brewing? Was your pride so strong that you couldn't show weakness, or was it simply that you were afraid I couldn't hold your broken pieces? I would have liked to have the opportunity. God knows you weren't the first of us to ponder suicide, but I'm still amazed that you took it that far. Was hope really hidden that well? What about in the faces of your niece and nephews? I realize you weren't thinking clearly, but it's almost impossible for me to forgive you for damaging those precious children. Not to mention your parents,siblings,Steph, Scott, Drew, everyone. Rage bubbles inside me for how stupid and selfish your death was. You chose a way out that didn't force you to deal with one single issue. Instead you left us all shattered and beaten, trying to reassemble our hearts, and lives. Did you see your services? A thousand people came to see you. Did you have a clue how loved and admired you were? People who have never met you are carrying you in their hearts now. I can't help but wonder what kind of impact you could have made on the world over the next 60 years... What are we supposed to do without you Laurie? Why did you have to hurt us like this? I wish I could punch you. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could see you smile... I can't hardly wait for my turn in heaven. I want to see mom, and grandma, and you. Elijah, Moses, Mary... I want to know what Jesus looks like when He laughs! I can't wait to be free to run too. It's beautiful there isn't it? I wish you could show me a glimpse. For now, I will patiently wait my turn. No cutting in line for me. I want to live life to the fullest and ever ready to be used by God. I'll carry on for now. Not for you, but for me. I choose to live. Even when it hurts. I love you Laur. I'm glad you have peace. I'll see you sooner than it seems.

Your Cousin,
Mand