The Party....

My Big Sister is turning 30 tomorrow. To celebrate this occasion, we threw her a fantastic costume party. Heidi looked beautiful as the Queen of Hearts. Everyone really got into the spirit of the evening. I hope to post more pictures soon... For now, here's a peek into the funnest party I've been to all year!

Pixie Puppy.....

What a Night!

The Dolly concert was even better than I expected! We had so much fun Friday. Dinner with Uncle Mike and Aunt Joey was a BLAST! Here are just a few pics from our awesome Dolly night...

Hello Dolly!

This is going to be a GREAT Friday... Tonight after work, Becca and I are having dinner with Uncle Mike and Aunt Joey downtown. We are headed to Cereality. It's this fun new restuaraunt that serves nothing but cereal! Pretty much any cereal, and topping you can imagine is available at this place. It should be excellent! Aunt Joey and I both said that this seems like our kind of dinner...
After dinner, Becca and I are headed to The Chicago Theatre to see Dolly Parton. I'm so thrilled, I could spit! It's been a few years since I've seen her perform live and I'm just bursting with excitement. For those of you who know me, you know my long standing love of all things Dolly. She is for me, what Eminem is for Drew. She's a passion, and a safe place. Her music is where I go to heal. For years now she has comforted me. I even got to meet her when I was 15. I can close my eyes now and still feel her hug. I can't wait! God is just blessing my socks off this week! It feels so good to have my little ducks in a row again. There is such joy in having things to look forward to! Thank you again to all my prayer warriors. I can't express to you all how greatful I am to have people looking out for me. If I can return the favor one day I will. For now, just know I love you and that I feel blessed by your presence in my life.

Timing...

I have been home since Friday. During this week of stress, and trial, I've caught myself an upper respiratory infection. This actually may be more of a blessing than anything else. I've been home and had time to interview people. I've rested. I've napped most of my time away with Diva on my chest. This infection forced me to slow down and to trust God's provision. Funny how He gets your full attention when you're unable to breathe!

So, it's Wednesday now and I think I've found the right people to take care of me. I'm feeling hopeful that next week will go smoothly. Just when I think the rug has been pulled out from under me God always steps in. I'm so blessed...

Things That I'm Grateful For...

1. The tremendous amount of prayer going up for my crazy little life this week.

2. The friends and family who jump in to offer me security.

3. The network of people working around me to find the perfect assistant.

4. The cousin in berwyn who offers her time and support even when she barely has enough for herself.

5. The puppy groomer/CNA who may want to work with me.

6. The cousin in Colorado who is traveling here next week just to celebrate Heidi.

7. Dad, Heidi, Marie, Steph, Katie, Becca, Rob, Diane, Sylvia, Debbi and Kim who all offered physical help where physical help was needed.

8. Sugar free cinnamon Rolls from Pillsbury.

9. DIVA.

10. Chocolate chip cookie dough in ice cream cones.

11. The woman in Utah who offered me first dibs on a puppy this week.

12. Sugar free TWIZZLERS

13. Dolly Parton at the Chicago Theatre next week.

14. Dinner at Cereality with one of my favorite people.

15. The cute guy that repairs wheelchairs.

16. Heidi's birthday celebration.

17. Size 12 jeans.

18. Season 1 of Fraggle Rock.

19. The song "Blessed Be Your Name".

20. Laurie Notaro.

If you read this, you know how difficult things have been lately. Please comment today. What are YOU grateful for? I could sure use the boost of good will.

And The Icing On My Cupcake...

Moogi called. She cleaned my house and left my keys. Today will be her last day... Two days was not very good, but it was better than none. I don't know which end is up anymore.

And It Just Gets Better and BETTER!

So, I've entered the seventh circle of hell. Moogi is not staying until November 1st. Her daughter's condition has worsened and she's leaving Saturday. For those of you following this saga, that leaves me TWO DAYS to find an honest, hardworking, trustworthy person. No pressure right? Lets not forget also that I currently have NO ONE to help me on Saturday morning... I've not felt this unprotected since the year after my Mom died. I feel like I'm in the way. The devil whispers that things would be better without me. He tells me that people would be better off without the burden that is me. This scares the shit out of me! I'm fighting hard right now to tell Satan to kiss my ass. I am struggling to hold on to my value, and my contribution.

I am necessary

I am worthy

I will be provided for

I chant it over and over in my head, but the urge to give up is really strong right now. Please pray for me. It's scary to even type these things, but they are honest and today that's the best I can do.

The Butterfly Over My Heart...

I know there is some version of this now floating around in cyberspace, but I don't actually care. The first time someone told me this, was 8 years ago... My Mother had just died and my world was folding in on itself.

My friend said, "Mandy, when I think of you I think of a butterfly working it's way out of the cocoon. The process is long and painful for the butterfly. But did you know that if you help a butterfly out of it's cocoon it won't have built up the strength to fly? I'm watching you struggle so hard right now, and I wish I could just scoop you up out of this mess. But I know God is using this time to make you strong. I can't wait to see what you do with your wings!"

Those words, and that image have so impacted me that I carry that image with me to this day. I have a tiny blue butterfly tattooed over my heart to remind me. I may not like the trials. I may hurt like hell. But, God is going to use this to strengthen me.

Was it Worth it?

Laurie,

I know you can't answer this question. I know its like dumping my thoughts out into the void, but I have to ask it anyway. Was it worth it? I know heaven is great and all, but are you really ok with missing out on EVERYTHING? Are your eyes clear now? Can you see past your self these days? I know that you were consumed with LAURIE back in March. What about now? Can you see how you've wounded us all? The people who loved you are forever damaged thanks to your momentary blindness. Yes, we'll survive. People somehow live through these things. We'll move on and think back on you fondly. We'll remember you for who you were in this life. In fact as with most death, we'll probably glorify your memory past what you actually were. I choose to remember the real you. A beautiful, prideful, wonderful, vibrant, selfish, caring, generous, broken, intelligent, and highly stupid person whom I loved whole heartedly. A real flesh and blood woman who I admired and respected. A person so tangled in her own reality, that she couldn't see her way out. A lovely girl who cut her life short for some cruelly unexplained reason. That is who you are in my eyes. Some days I wish I could punch you. Other days I just really want to hug you. I miss your support. I miss your fire. I hate what you've done to the strongest family I know. The worst of all this, is that you can't take it back. I sit and monologue when I's rather have dialogue. You made a choice that leaves me speaking to a void. I can talk and talk. I can scream and yell. It makes not one bit of difference. It's still just me, without you.

Your bewildered cousin,

Mandy

Credit, Where Credit Is Due...

I need to raise up a handful of people today. For those of you who are praying for me and encouraging me, I can't thank you enough. There is no greater power than the God of the universe. The fact that you talk to HIM about me, is truly awesome! However, during this time of very real panic, and trial, there have been those of you who have given me the most needed of gifts. Your time, your hands, and your care mean more to me than you may ever know.

Heidi- Thank you for offering the security of your care while I'm in transition. You know my routine so well, it's the one time I feel no strain. Also, your empathy in your last blog BLOWS ME AWAY!
Steph- Thank you for your care this coming weekend. You've given me a calm moment in my storm. Diva can't wait to meet you!=)
Kim B.- Thank you for helping me last weekend. I love spending time with you and knowing that I'm safe.
Marie- Thank you for being willing to "jump in" as needed. It helps me breathe easier knowing you're there.
Dad- Thanks for always being a phone call away. You're the best UPS man EVER!
Becca- Thank you for your daily support. I've never met someone so eager to help before. I'm convinced God put you on the 4:45 for a reason!
Moogi- Thank you so much for giving me notice. The fact that you care enough to never leave me stranded speaks highly of your character. You will always have a place in MandyLand, and in my heart.

Has there ever been such a blessed girl!?!?

Well, that being said, I feel much better. I am really looking forward to this weekend. My hope is that I can interview a few people and get a feel for who's out there. If anyone knows a trustworthy person who is needing a job, please send them my way.

Mandy

21....

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday dear Kristin

Happy Birthday to YOU!

Kristin,

I hope 21 rocks. I hope you enjoy your new freedom. I love you BUNCHES, and I'm so greatful God put you in my family. I said it to Katie, and I'll say it to you... If life is a trial by fire, you are coming up GOLDEN my beautiful cousin.

Love,
Mandy

It's ALIVE!!!!

After much stress and craziness, the wheelchair is up and running. Praise God for getting me safely home! I went to church last night, and I'm glad I was there. Aunt Barb gave me a hug and a light up tinkerbell pen! She always has just what I need. =) My heart gets so heavy worrying about having my needs met. A friend said that everyone has those worries, but it's not really the same. Everyone worries about having enough food or shelter or provisions from time to time. Only a small portion of the world knows what its like to not know how they're getting up in the morning, or how they will get to the bathroom next. These things can crush me sometimes. I know God will provide my next caregiver, I'm just so tired of the high rotation. I would love it if the next person I hire could commit to 6 months minimum. I also think that when someone quits without warning they should owe me $50.00. That way at least I can afford my newspaper add for a week!

Today is bound to be better. My life feels less hopeless today... On to bigger and better things I suppose.

Peace & Blessings to all my prayer warriors.

Mandy

Philippians 4:19 My God will supply all your needs...

Oh Bridget Jones, How I Relate!

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that as soon as one part of your life starts looking up, another part falls spectacularly to pieces." -Bridget Jones

I should be blaming myself of course. I'm the one who got comfortable. I let my guard down. I began to think my life was clicking together rather smoothly. How stupid am I? I should know better by now.

Two weeks ago my weekend assistant of three years quit with absolutely no warning. I would expect this type of behavior from many people, but coming from a friend I went to high school with, it was a slap in my face. But, whatever... I could survive that. Its only my weekend care. I can manage. WRONG! Last night, my evening support informed me that she and her family are moving back to Mongolia on November 1st! Yes, that's right folks. I'm now in the market for both evening and weekend help. This BLOWS!

It's stressful enough adjusting to one new person, but two is more than I can handle. I hate needing people some days. I can't stand having to worry about how I'm going to get home, eat, shower, and shop from day to day. I wish my life didn't always have to rely on others to function properly. Don't get me wrong, for the most part Princesshood is a gift. I meet new people. I never have to clean, or cook, or do laundry... It's a rather pampered life. However, on days like this one, I'd trade almost everything in order to do it myself.

Pray for me. I'm so tired of this merry-go-round.


Additional Note at 10:42am: Did I mention my chair is dying? The charge is on empty and I have to wait for my HMO to approve repairs. Gee, I hope I'm not stuck in Chicago til whenever!

GREAT WEEKEND!

What an awesome weekend... I kicked it off Friday with dinner and singing. Marie and Becca came over after work to hang out and eat dinner. Thanks to Becca, I now have some fresh pictures of Diva. Saturday, my best friend Kim came to mandy land to meet my puppy and catch up. I had a blast! We watched Six Feet Under, picked pumpkins with Heidi, and had a visit with Aunt Barb. Too fun! Sunday, I relaxed at home with my Diva (no potty mistakes all day!), and then I watched Cinderella with Sandy. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I LOVE Disney! Yesterday, I was off from work for Columbus Day. Lil Jenny and I went to a movie... In Her Shoes was good, but a little heavier than I was looking for. I'm still trying to find someone to go see Corpse Bride, and W&G with me. On the whole, it was a great weekend. I saw some of my favorite people. I relaxed. It was perfect. My life spins so fast lately, It's nice to slow down for a moment and breathe.

Little Miss Diva Girl...

Gee, Thanks Katie!

THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other friends to see what they're listening to.

"Can't Keep Me Down"-PINK
"Slow Dancing With The Moon"-Dolly Parton
"Blessed Be Your Name"-Matt Redman
"Walkin' After Midnight"-Patsy Cline
"Meet Virginia"-Train

And now I tag...

Kim Brown
Becca Fradin
Heidi Miller
Steph Pelka
Greg Boncimino


YOU'RE IT!

Finally! Pictures From My Adventure With The Michel Cuties!

My little cutie boy... Entertaining himself with tupperware!

Isaiah is pretty easy to please. He doesn't require fancy toys and tons of activity. Just give him some tupperware, and a couple slices of pizza... He's good to go!

Denver & Maya having "craft time" with Aunt Heidi.

These kids make my world better. They are so fun and creative. Every time they come to my house, Aunt Heidi thinks up some incredible art project for them. This time it was bookmarks made with wax paper, and melted crayon shavings.

Possibly the cutest bathing boy EVER!

Isaiah couldn't decide between the bath towel and his sippy cup. He managed to balance both...

An Important Truth...

God Loves You

In the quiet, Love is reaching.

It's yours to hold,Be still and know that

Even when you're lost and lonely,

And hope is gone, you're not alone.

Far beyond the understanding,

There's a hand that leads, If you believe.

Through the darkness, see the light.

Remember God loves you.

The road ahead is long and winding.

With eyes of faith, you'll find the way, yeah.

And when the journey leaves you weary,

You can rest in the comfort of heaven's arms -Sweet loving arms.

And peace will follow.

Peace be with you always,

As you go. For now you know that...

Through the darkness, there's a light.

Remember God loves you.

When you open up your heart,

His love will meet you where you are.

He will always be a part of everything you do.

He is here to set you free,

And give you all the strength you need

To carry on, to carry on.

Through the darkness, see the light.

Remember God loves you. (remember, remember)Remember God loves you.

Today I post this song because I needed to be reminded. I pray that everyone who reads this today feels the truth of these words. God loves YOU! I can only speak for myself, but that kinda makes me want to love you more too.

Diva in MandyLand...

How can such a tiny little puppy create so much destruction? She looks so sweet and innocent! =)

It is official. Diva does NOT want me to go to work. She has made it quite clear that she prefers me home at all times. Apparently, she needs me to be her pillow throughout the day, and she is unable to function properly when I'm not present. The little darling has had two baths so far this week( it's only Wednesday by the way). When I get home at night, I find that she has trashed her crate entirely. In a staged protest, she has flung litter EVERYWHERE, destroyed two stuffed toys, and left me more "little presents" than such a small creature should be capable of. =) What a little stinker. It's a good thing I love her so much! For now we're taking it one day at a time.

KISS MY TIARA

How to rule the world as a smartmouth goddess

This is the title of a book I am reading. My friend Becca bought it for me as a gift. So far, this book has made me laugh out loud twice. While there are a few points that the author (Susan Jane Gilman) and I do not see eye to eye on, as a whole I can really relate. If you need a good giggle, and a solid dose of female empowering, I suggest picking this one up.

Artichokes, Coconuts, Sand Dollars, and Me...

Ever notice how some of the best stuff needs to be broken or ripped apart before you get to the good part? I think that's what my life is teaching me. I could hold it all together, and "make nice" with the world. I could put on a happy face and charm your socks off. Or, I can choose to be brave. I can break it all down. I can shatter everything and rebuild. I can get raw, and honest, and ugly... That's when it gets beautiful. I don't ever want to fake being me. It's dangerous and unhealthy. This may mean I make a few less friends. This may mean disappointing people with my actions. Too damn bad! I choose me. I choose wellness. I choose to be comfortable in my own skin. Wouldn't it be beautiful if we could all just get real with each other? A powerful force like that could change the world.

SoulFeast...

This year's women's retreat was a true gift from God. It was restful, and engaging. It also made me look at some things that I stuff down a lot. I took a class on solitude. What is God doing with my quiet moments? I have so few of them, that I think it's hard to say. For some reason, this retreat always surfaces the same four issues in my life.

1. What is God's purpose in making me?
2. My life occasionally burdens other people in order to run properly.
3. Where do I go from here/do I trust Him with the big stuff?
4. Who am I supposed to impact?

It seems like every year brings the same "junk" to the surface. There are times when I HATE needing people! Yet God made me to need physical help... It's an internal battle. I always see the bigger picture where my life is concerned. It's the smaller moments that can crush a girl. I rely on God to work with me and through me. I hear His calling on my life. Sometimes I'm just too chicken shit to make the leap that He demands. It's like when He told his disciples to leave everything and follow Him. I can honestly say I hear God calling me to something that drastic. The fear of the unknown holds me back. What fullness would God have for me if I just put myself in His hands? Margaret Becker said at the retreat that she had always wanted a husband, and 3-4 children. She knew the life she wanted and was struggling against God's timing. Today, she is a single woman, passionately involved in World Vision's child sponsorship program. She has thousands of children that God is entrusting to her! Her life is not as she planned. It's soooooooooo much better! What if the same is true of me? It's mind blowing. It's terrifying...

My favorite part of these retreats is the women I cross paths with. What a treat to share lives, and stories with other women on the journey. I met so many charming wonderful ladies this weekend. I need to highlight three.

To the new friend whom I've known on the surface for years,

Thank you for allowing me to be honest and open. I needed to let some things out, and you created a space for that.

Love, and Doodles

To the strong, independent, woman of God who is on her way to missions work,

Thank you for your kind words. Your support was so appreciated. God will do wonderful things with your life. Please don't ever lose your joy.

Stay in touch

To the Angel of blessing who let me cry in her shoulder,

Thank you for the safe place. Your compassion, and honesty blows me away. You have touched me many times with your talented voice. I'm glad God allowed us to share moments this weekend.

You are in my prayers


That pretty well wraps up my thoughts on this weekend. I pray that everyone can have a weekend like this at least once in their lifetime. I close this with an exercise in reflection.

Be still and know that I am God

Be still and know that I AM

Be still and know

Be still

Be

Silence is Golden...

This little puppy just cracks my up! This is a picture from Becca. Diva is sleeping in my t shirt instead of her usual blanket. While I was on my retreat, she was busy napping, playing, and traumatizing the Fradin cats. She currently has no voice at all. She cried, and whined so much this weekend that she lost her voice this morning. =) This may be a small blessing. I might actually sleep tonight without the pitiful pleas for attention... It's sweet how she just wants to be close to me. It was so nice to come home to someone missing you! Mike and Becca were such great babysitters. I can't thank them enough for looking after my little girlie.