Merry Christmas!

 

Christmas Already?

I can't believe we're here. I feel like we blink and the whole holiday season rushes by. So today I'll pause and reflect...


I love the way lights on a tree or a house make everything miraculous.
I can't ever get enough of fresh baking smells.
As much as I hate cold weather, snow is really quite beautiful from a window view.
I am lucky to have my friends.
I wish I could fix every broken thing.
Wouldn't it be neat to travel at the speed of love?
Has there ever been a better invention than gingerbread latte?
I want world peace for Christmas.

Happy Birthday to You

Happy Birthday to You

Happy Birthday Dear Jesus

Happy Birthday to YOU!

I have been thinking a lot lately about my beautiful "sister" Steph. She, just like a lot of ladies I know, seems to be continually selling her heart short on the wrong men. What is it about us that makes us so eager to fit a square peg into a round hole? We get so caught up in wanting to be loved by someone, anyone, that we blind ourselves to what God may actually have for us. Mr. Right may be walking into our lives and we're still hung up on some loser. I heard a song today that hit me personally between the eyes. I thought I would post the lyrics as a message to all the single girls I know. I love you Steph. You deserve nothing but the very best. Here's a toast to the good man who's waiting for exactly you. His dream girl...

Already Somebody's Lover
By:Mark Spiro

Maybe he lives in the city
Workin' on a college degree
Or maybe he's a boy in Paris
Tryin' to paint a picture of me

So I'm sorry that I can't go any further with you
And tonight may be a night I'll regret
But I'm already somebody's lover
He just hasn't found me yet

Maybe he works on the railroad
Or he's drivin' from town to town
Saving his pay for our wedding day
Then he's gonna settle down

He's just lookin' for a girl to send some flowers to
He's as honest and true as they get
See I'm already somebody's lover
He just hasn't found me yet

I see his face in my dreams every night
And I wake up with the taste on my lips
And he'll never pack it in or walk out on me
The way my father did

So I'm sorry that I can't go any further with you
And tonight may be a night I'll regret
But I'm already somebody's lover
He just hasn't found me yet

Happy Birthday Heidi!

Today is my big sister's birthday...

Heidi,

I wish all the best things! I can't wait to see where this year takes you.

Mandy

 

Cash Wembley...

Well folks, after two months of having little Cash in my home I've decided that I'm just not the best mom for him. I couldn't have asked for a sweeter little man. But, the truth is he's just not catching on to life with a Fairy Princess. After thoughtfully weighing my options, I have decided to send him to the one place I know he will be treated just as well as he would if I kept him as my own. Yep, he's now officially a Brown. Cash Wembley Brown. My best friend has welcomed him to her family with open arms. He now has a full house of folks to adore him and two big brothers to teach him the ropes. The best part is, I'll still get to be a part of his life. Everyone knows (with the exception of Ms Diva starbucks) I'm a better auntie anyhow! Thank you Kim for stepping in where I could not. I love you. Congrats on your new little boy!!! Too sweet....

Me and the little man....

This Weekend...

I had so much fun this weekend! I went to see Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D and have dinner with friends on Friday. WICKED on Saturday with Aunt Barb. Apple orchards and pumpkin carving with the girls on Sunday. What an incredible weekend! How lucky am I?

I hope everyone is enjoying this fall season like I am. As much as I truly HATE winter, there is something about this time of year that restores my hope. I love to see leaves change. It reminds me that we are here for a short time and we need to make the most of every opportunity...

I went to a pumpkin farm with the puppies this week. We had a blast and we took some cute photos. I love this time of year!

All of my "Baptism Buddies" at SoulFeast 2006

SoulFeast 2006

I can't describe how much my heart needed this getaway. What an awesome thing to be reminded of your true identity. I am a child of God. The creator of all things calls me "family". Such an amazing gift. I was reminded yet again, that He is all I'll ever need. I forget that sometimes, and become lost in my own longings. God spoke to me this weekend and he calmed an unsteady soul.
In celebration of my rejuvenated commitment to Christ, I was baptized on Saturday night. In true Fairy Princess Fashion, I was "dunked" in the hotel's hot tub! How great is that?!?
My beautiful sister cradled me as I went under the warm water. I was surrounded by loving friends. I died with Christ, and was raised to walk in new life with Him... I will forever be altered by this weekend with the ladies of Willow.

This Song Reflects My Mood...

QUASIMODO

you can be right

and I'll be real

honesty won't be a pain that you'll have to feel

cause I don't need your approval

to find my worth

I'm trapped inside of my own mind

afraid to open my eyes cause of what I'd find and I

don't want to live like this anymore

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

there it goes

does it scare you that I can

be something different than you

would it make you feel more comfortable if I wasn't

you can't control me

and you can't take away from me who I am

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

you can't change me

you can't break me

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

have you ever felt

like your only comfort was your cage

you're not alone

I've felt the same as you

have you ever felt

like your secrets give you away

you're not alone

I've been there too

cause everyone is looking

and everyone is laughing but I think

everyone feels the same

everybody wants to feel ok

everybody wants to

everybody wants to feel

there goes my pain

there goes my chains

did you see them falling

because this feeling

that has no meaning

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

cause I don't want it

I don't want it

you can't change me

you can't break me

there goes the world

off of my shoulders

there goes the world

off of my back

there it goes

Oops! I did it again...

Meet Cash Wembley Peszat (aka Diva's little brother).

Some may say I'm crazy.... That's alright with me! I don't expect anyone else to understand why I had to add this little cutie to my family. I've just decided life is short, and I want to be happy!

Mandy

Willow Creek

I've been a member of WCCC for the past 6 years. I've been an attender for 24 years. Having grown up in "the big church", there are a million things I take for granted when it comes to how ministry is done. I get frustrated when we are misunderstood. I get sad when we make mistakes. Yet always, I think we've been a church for the lost and the found. Even when I step away for a while, Willow still feels like home when I roll through the door.

If you get a chance, read today's post by Shaun Groves (see SHLOG in my links column). I found it interested from an outsiders perspective.

Good Weekend...

I spent the weekend with my best friend Kim. It was so nice to relax and just be...

I'm feeling a lot better this week. I'm making some drastic changes and my heart is better for it. I'll have to write about that later I suppose. For now, I hope all my readers have a blessed week.

Mandy

The Stuff Nobody Says...

I'm so tired of the perky shit. I'm just really done with worrying about how things appear on the outside. I'm not saying that being upbeat and happy means you're fake, but when things get ugly just stop sugar coating it. You want genuine? You want honest? Here goes...

I'm thankful I'm saved, but sometimes I want to punch God in His unseen face

I love my family, but I don't always like my family

I can't fix the world and I don't always see the point in trying

It feels like the only guys who find me attractive are fall down drunks

My body fat used to act like a shield, and now I feel naked

I can count my close friends on one hand with extra fingers

I still relive my mothers death in my mind

I may have already had the one great love of my life

I think it takes uncommon bravery to date me

I've never felt more alone than I have in resent months

Sometimes I think God is laughing at me

There are moments when I would trade anything to be able to do things myself

Why can't I just buy my sister a family?

The two times in my life that I felt suicidal were directly linked to my support system

Sometimes I'm an orphan

I wish I had been able to stop Laurie

I wish I could stop other smart people from making stupid choices

The last good night of sleep I had was on a cruise ship

The thought of dying young doesn't scare me, and I'm not suicidal

I'd like to get in a car and drive for hours

I long for the moment I can wake up from this twilight zone

I wish I would leave my mark on the world

It would be so nice if everyone said what they never say...

My Big Sister...

Have you ever been so blessed to know someone that it knocks you off your feet sometimes? That's Heidi Marie Miller for me. There are actually moments when I'm so thankful for this girl that tears well up in my eyes.
From the moment I was born, she's been my protector. This sweet, soft spoken lady has been fierce as a tiger when needed. Yet, she's so unimaginably gentle...
She has loved me more unconditionally than any other person in my life. She brings balance to my stormy nature and adores me despite all my huge flaws. She sees my ugly spots and she still keeps me.
Needing people gets old really fast. Sometimes I just want to melt away. Those are the times my Heidi steps in and does something to make me feel powerful again. She's been restoring my sense of self for as long as I can remember.
My sister and I compliment each other perfectly. I hold the lantern, and she chops the wood! It's so much more than how I know it looks on the outside. The dutiful big sister, and her needy crippled baby sister.... That's just not our story. We're a pair. A Ying & Yang. She needs me as much as I need her. I swear we were supposed to be conjoined twins, but God made me wait 5 years to be born. We are one heart functioning in to bodies. It's beautiful really. More people should experience this type of relationship.


Heidi,

I love you bigger than my biggest words. I thank God for making you. You are strong. You are beautiful. I will always stay standing tall. How do I know? Because you are my SISTER!

Mandy

A Toast!

Thank you for loving me

Thank you for looking after me

Thank you for your concern

Thank you for not judging me

Thank you for supporting me

Thanks for the shoulder

Thanks for the hug

Thanks for being there

Thanks for holding me up

For all the tears we've cried together

For all the late night laughter

For all the words of encouragement

For all the spilled out garbage

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

What else can I say but thank you to all my devoted friends

Whatever...

Alright God. I got the message. Thanks! I'll take this as a flaming "NO". On to stuff that matters...

Dear God,

I sit here today, and I wait for a miracle. You are capable of this, so please show up big! I'm trusting you to see this thing through. I'm asking you to get involved. I have waited patiently, but I'm done now. Please be the source of all good things. I can't take anymore. I'm at my last straw. Please be all powerful for me. Just this once.

Thank You,

Your Loving Daughter Mandy


1 Chronicles 4:10
He was the one who prayed to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and extend my lands! Please be with me in all that I do, and keep me from all trouble and pain!" And God granted him his request.

Wednesday Blessings!

I am a blessed girl! This morning when I got to work, my assistant surprised me with a lovely cup of Starbucks coffee and a gift card to buy another later. If you know me, you know that coffee is my "love language", my drug of choice, my favorite food group, and my over all joy! Starbucks is often referred to as my MOTHER SHIP... So, I'm sure you can imagine my delight. I'm continually amazed at how a small gesture like a cup of coffee can make a person feel valued. I wish everyone today Peace, Love, and Frappuccino!

The You Inside...

Who are we when no is watching? Have you ever noticed how contrasted this thing is? I can go from charming and sweet to rage filled and evil at the snap of the fingers. I'm constantly amazed at the amount of stuff we can keep to ourselves. How many times have I felt devastated inside, ad yet I smiled through it so I wouldn't weigh anyone else down. I shudder to think of all the times in my life that I looked someone in the eye, held a light conversation, and never let them see the real me. If I'm completely honest with myself, I've cursed Laurie a million times for being such a master at disguising pain. Yet I'm exactly the same. I tell myself strange little things. Like "there's no time for your problem", or "other people need more help than you". "Now is just not a good time for a melt down", or "there will be time for that later". The truth though.... My pain is as real and as pressing as anyone else's. My emotions are just as important as every one else's. There are no brownie points for holding it all together. No one will ever congratulate me for suffering silently. All that we have is today, and for today I choose to be genuine. I choose to speak truth. I will be broken and I will be brave. But mostly, I will be me...

Today Is My Baby's Birthday!

Double Trouble....

Yesterday when I got to work I was having a terrible toothache/headache. So, as I began typing my tooth cracked in half. Oh Joy! I left work at noon and ran to see my dentist. Apparently, I had a VERY dangerous infection in two of my teeth. I had to have an emergency DOUBLE root canal. Yes, that's right folks... Two at Once! I also couldn't be put under because of my low blood pressure. It was so not fun. I cried. A lot....

I went home and slept off the pain killers. And now I'm at work, trying to be useful as I'm all drugged up. I feel bruised and beaten. I wish I could go back to bed.

Vicodin is my friend.......

Family...

Today is my father's 59th birthday.

This Thursday my parents would have celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary.

It blows my mind how quickly time passes. It feels like only yesterday I was part of something that closely knit. There is something that happens at the core of a family that can not be explained properly. The daily living that goes on in your childhood home is like nothing else. I so miss the days of family vacations and time spent together.

Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

I swear there is a shortage out there. Is it too much to ask for one good guy? I'm not talking marriage material here (lets not get crazy), just someone date worthy. I'm not looking for something lasting, but whatever happened to having a laugh? Where are all the datable non apes?

Resting in the Hands of God...

I've always loved this picture. This baby was born 7 weeks premature (I was actually 8 weeks early myself), and yet here he is. He's alive and safe in capable hands.

My spirit has been wounded recently. I'm exhausted, both physically, and emotionally. I've felt more alone than I have in many years. Yet, I know I'm never really alone. The God of the universe is always holding me. So today I choose to be still, and know...
I am safe. I am loved. I am provided for. I am protected. I am on purpose. I am designed. I am worthy. I am secure. I belong. I fit in. I'm held. I'm treasured. I'm valued. I'm needed. I'm whole. And most importantly, I am already home.

I hope someone else benefits from this reminder today!

Shapshot

I haven't posted in a few days. I don't have much to say about all the obvious topics. So here is a brief overview of MandyLand:

Vegas was fun

My wheelchair got broken

I've been home from work

It's been 9 years since the worst day of my life

My wheelchair got fixed

I hired new assistants

My kidneys are junk

SummerFest ROCKS!

I'm retiring soon

Pool lift is almost bought

Thanks for stopping by. I'll post more important stuff later.

Mandy

My Favorite Part of the Trip!

This is me at the highest Starbucks in America. Kinda like a return to my Mother Ship!

Viva Las Vegas!

Well, we're off... Four days in the wildest city America has to offer! I can hardly contain my excitement. I really just can't wait to get away! More pictures to follow (assuming they don't incriminate me).

Take care!

Mandy
(aka Pink Lady #4)

Questioning God...

In all honesty I don't believe anyone can go through life and the things my family has faced without questioning God at some point. Not His existence. I've never questioned that He's there. It's His plan and timing that leave me wondering. Maybe we're not supposed to know. But I personally am worn out from waiting. That might seem terrible, but at least I'm being real, and honest now, there are three things I know today...

God is real

He loves me enough to die for me

He's big enough to get mad at sometimes

Hello God

Dolly Parton

Hello God, are you out there?

Can you hear me, are you listenin' any more?

Hello God, if we're still on speakin' terms Can you help me like before?

I have questioned your existence, My resistance leaves me cold Can you help me go the distance?

Hello God, hello, hello?

This old world has gone to pieces

Can we fix it, is there time?

Hate and violence just increases

We're so selfish, cruel and blind

We fight and kill each other

In your name, defending you

Do you love some more than others?

We're so lost and confused

Hello God, are you out there?

Can you hear us, are you listenin' any more?

Hello God, if we're still on speakin' terms Can you help us like before?

Oh, the free will you have given We have made a mockery of This is no way to be livin', We're in great need of your love

Hello God, hello, hello?

Hello God, can you grant us

Love enough to make amends

Is there still a chance

That we could start again

Hello God, we've learned our lesson

Dear God, don't let us go

More than ever Hello God, hello, hello Hello

God, we really need you

We can't make it without you

We beseech you In the name of all that's true

Hello God, please forgive us

For we know not what we do

Hello God, give us one more chance to prove ourselves to you

Hello, God; hello, God?

Dear Friend,

How are you? How are you really?

It's been so long since I've actually talked to you. I've seen your face, but never your heart. Does it bother you that we've had this distance? Do you miss me at all? I hope at the very least you are being real with someone. Even if it's not me. My heart hurts for us. I so value your friendship. Our closeness has been the stuff of legends and now it feels lost in time.
I want you to know that I'm always here. Whenever you're ready, or willing to start back up where we left off, I'll be here. I just hope you can relate to the me you will encounter after such a long absence. Till then, there is a hollow spot in my heart waiting to be filled.

Love you,

Mandy

Home

By Nicole Nordeman

Bright are the stars that shine in somebody else's sky
Green is the grass that grows some place different
More possibilities, more than You offered me
More than I care to see from a distance

I was certain that the truth would be
In a place that kept eluding me
But every stone turned and unturned again
Would only serve to prove
That I never had to move to find You

And You will always be
The only love I'll ever know, home
And You have made for me
That only place I'll ever go, home

God, for the shameless pride
The times when I rolled my eyes
To laugh at simplicity, show me mercy
Knowing what I know now it's hard to imagine how
I could feel anything but unworthy

And the mystery of Your love for me
Is not as hidden as it seemed to be
Should have known then when You said to me
"Seek and you will find"
It was right here all the time

And You will always be
The only love I'll ever know, home
And You have made for me
That only place I'll ever go, home

I believe in the quest and the journey
I believe that the answers come in time
And where we begin is where we arrive

And You will always be
The only love I'll ever know, home
And You have made for me
That only place I'll ever go, home

Then & Now...

For those of you who either forgot what I used to look like, or have just met me in the last few years... Here's my little reality check.

From April 27, 2003 to May 2, 2006

These two pictures were taken almost exactly 3 years apart.


I think I can safely stop obsessing about weight loss at this point...

A Stream of Lyrics...

Sometimes I write out musical snippets. Bits and pieces of songs that speak to me or of me. I started the practice years ago, and it's always bee very healing. I don't care if no one else "gets it". This blog is a place for me to pour out my junk. So here goes todays stream...

If it weren't for your maturity, none of this would have happened/Wild flowers don't care where they grow/Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive/pulls her hair back as she screams "I don't really wanna be the queen"/It's like whispering a prayer in the furry of a storm/ I want to live bravely, and love without fear/And her heart it is in Ireland, deep within the Emerald Isle/ Somehow my heart never grew up. No one ever burst my balloon. So here I ams swirling in stardust, slow dancing with the moon/ Til He appeared, and the soul felt it's worth/I'm not running. I'm not hiding. I'm not reaching. I'm just resting in the arms of the great wide open. Going to pour my soul in, and I'm almost home/Like anyone would be, I am flattered by your facination with me.You speak of my love like you have experienced love like mine before/Though I am marching through the valley filled with fear my steps are sure and sturdy and my aim is straight and clear/Lovers quarrel, but sweethearts dance/There's times I'd rather kill you than listen to your honesty, but you've always been a friend to me/You've seen all my light, and you love my dark, and you're still here/I've crossed lines of words, and wire. Both have cut me deep/Freedom is calling me, and my heart races. I feel in the broken places/Pretty is as pretty does,and you're beautiful to me/This is my private war. They keep on dropping bombs, and I keep score/I've never lasted very long with someone like you. I never did although I have to admit I wanted to/You say it best when you say nothing at all/Where are all my angels? Where's my golden one? Where is my hope now that my heros have gone?/What part of our history is neglected and under rug swept?/Oh stop the world and let me off/Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken? Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken? Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder? Why do you see right through me?/

Daisies.....

You know how I know that my sister is the greatest?

She actually shows up when I need her. Lately I've needed her love and support a lot.
Between health issues, PA troubles, and overall craziness, I've seen a lot of my sister lately. How lucky am I?

Last night when I got home from church there was a flower arrangement on my counter. Heidi stopped off and bought me a bouquet of daisies just to say "I LOVE YOU!"

I think she knew I needed the encouragement.

Thank you Heidi for the lovely flowers, for loving me, and for protecting me. You are more to me than you may ever know.

Heidi has her yearly review at work today. Please take a moment and stop by her blog. I'm sure she could use some encouraging comments.

Dear Laurie,

Happy Birthday!

I hate you. I love you. I miss you.

It's been so long since I've seen you that I can barely remember who I was then. To say you've missed a ton is an unbelievable understatement. You've missed it all. Poor you. Lucky you. I heard you sing today, but I didn't cry. I cry when I think of your laugh. For me, that's when you're gone the most. Oh, how I miss hanging out with you! I miss when the pieces seemed to fit. I miss your encouraging words. I miss sharing with you what God is doing in our hearts. I miss late night chats and hour long hugs. You stole from me Laurie. You took away a valued friendship without asking. You destroyed other relationships as well. Not just yours, but mine too. We're all changed by this healing scare. None of us relate the same anymore. We love each other, but now it's slightly at a distance. No one feels safe up close since you left. It's not all your fault, but it sometimes feels like it is...
Is heaven lovely? God, I wish you could write me a note from the other side! "weather is beautiful, wish you were here"... How cool would THAT be? Drop me a rainbow, or a shooting star if you get the chance. I'll take that as your new version of a text message.
Well beautiful birthday girl, I need to get back to my day. I just couldn't let the day pass without expressing how I'm feeling. I hate you. I love you. I miss you.

Love,

Mand

Assisted Living...

I would like to say "Thank you" for the kind suggestion of an assisted living condo. I'm sure loads of people have thought that up for me as a great solution. However, it's just never going to happen. I am way too independent and active to move into that lifestyle. Losing my "normality" would not be worth the consistency of care in one of those places. At least here, I can hire and fire people at will. In a care facility you are given far less control over your environment. As much as I do hate going through this stuff, I'd be far more miserable if I had to change how my life is managed. I don't need a nurse, a nanny, or a babysitter. I simply need honest, hard working people who care about keeping a Fairy Princess afloat.

Lets all just pray that I find what I need.

God Bless!

Mandy

Now Would Be A Good Time To Give Up...

But I won't!

Pray for me friends. I'm in WAY OVER MY HEAD. It seems like this happens every few months or so, but here we are again. I'm in the market for not one, but two assistants. Thankfully my weekday mornings are still covered, but everything else is up in the air. I don't need to go into details, but for reasons beyond anyone's control, both of these ladies are no longer able to work for me.
Please pray that I find the exact right people to care for me. I'm so very tired of this stuff. I know that I'll be ok, but some days I just can't feel it.

Three Years...

I make it a point not to dwell too much on my personal weight loss. I'd hate to have come this far just to get mired down in self examination. I did not have gastric bypass surgery to become a super model. Being a size 2 was never my goal. Yet, I have to say, three years and 156lbs later, I feel really good! I now officially weigh less than half of my original weight. I may not be dropping pounds daily, but I've managed a healthy balancing out. I'm soft, but not unhealthy. I'm exactly me, and that's just perfect!

I know most people worry too much about body image and personal appearance these days. May I make one suggestion? Put it all down, and just enjoy the one life God gave you!

Once a week we should all do the following:

Find a quiet place to sit and talk with God

Indulge in a fabulous desert

Call a friend and encourage them

Do one thing you would regret not doing before you die

Last year on this day I posted my thoughts 2 years after surgery. I feel the need to share them again one year later...

Posted 6/2/05

"So, what have I learned in two years? I've learned that losing weight doesn't magically "fix" what's broken. I've learned that being healthy does not mean I need to be anyone else but me. I've learned that scars heal. I've learned that God keeps His promises in my life. I've learned that sometimes you have to go through long periods of darkness, but the sun will shine again.Today I pray each of you feel renewal and hope!"

If You Want Something Done...Do it YOURSELF Pt. II

Hi again all,

I want to say thank you to all who have supported me in my mission. I'm about half way there. I still need roughly $2,800.00 to make my goal. I'm beginning to feel like this is actually attainable.

If you, or anyone you know might be interested in helping me raise the remaining funds needed to purchase this lift please feel free to contact me.


You can also mail in a contribution:

A. Peszat
4305 W. Shamrock Ln Apt 1G
McHenry, IL 60050

Check/money orders payable to: Amanda Peszat (YMCA Lift Fund)


As always, thanks to everyone for your help and support. I know far more people than just me will benefit from your generosity.

Sincerely,
Amanda

Memorial Day Weekend...

So much stuff I'd like to say. The words are a bit scrambled in my head. I had an absolutely lovely weekend! Thank you to all who made it great.

Friday- I went out with Jessy and Rochelle. It's so fun hanging out with those girls.

Saturday- I celebrated Mike's Graduation from law school. It was a real treat to meet all the Fradin friends & Family.

Sunday- I spent my day cruising around in the big yellow boat. I got sunburned, but I loved watching Diva handle her first boating experience.

Monday- I woke up to Becca's smiling face. I then had the privilege of spending the day with her and Marie.

I wish all people could have life as rich as mine. I'm a truly blessed Fairy Princess!

Deep Breathing...

Today I feel small, and a little broken. I realize that is a far cry from my last post, but there it is.
I discovered today that someone I trusted has betrayed me. A care giver, in charge of my wellbeing has abused the relationship. This is the third time this month that a care giver has taken advantage of my good nature. But, this time is by far the worst.

Who would steal from a Fairy Princess? Did they honestly think I wouldn't know? I wouldn't find out? Was I in fact born yesterday?

I feel like throwing up. I feel like withdrawing from everyone. Seems no one can be trusted and yet I'm stuck relying on people. I so hate needing people sometimes! It leaves you open to taking shots to the head. I wish I could just crawl deep inside myself and hide. Does anyone else ever feel this way or am I all alone?

Flying High

I didn't go to work today. Instead I went to appointments and took care of business. Funny thing though... My dad was off today too. I spent the afternoon on the harley. We went to Lake Geneva. It was so freeing! I love the sense of freedom. Overall, I had a fantastic afternoon. I wish everyone could experience the adreneline rush I felt today...

One Year Ago Today....

At this time last year I was on an airplane. I was seated next to my favorite person, on my way to the greatest vacation on earth!
For those of you who have read my stuff faithfully since the beginning, I know you'll remember the amazing vacation blessing of 05. For you new readers, let me fill you in.
In April of last year a friend of mine approached me out of concern for my wellbeing. He had seen what I had been struggling with since Laurie's death and he worried that I was beginning to devalue my own life. He and his lovely wife had decided that I needed to get away. They sent me on a trip to Disney World, and also the Bahamas (Disney Cruise Line). The only stipulation being, that I not be allowed to name them as benefactors. "Give all the credit to God" they said. I can honestly say that God used these people to pull me out of a really dark place. They probably saved my life.

So today, one year later, I'm reminded of the best time ever!

I'm reminded that someone loved me enough to do that for me. I recall how great it was to spend time with my sister. I felt closer to my mom there. It was better than words can express. I laughed. I rested. I remembered my own value. I wish everyone could experience a blessing like that...

The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Excluding Jesus (that's too obvious), name five people you'd like to meet in heaven. I'm not talking reunions here. I can't wait to see my family and friends who have gone before me, but today we're talking brand new acquaintance's.

My 5:

The Prophet Elijah

Johnny Cash

Walt Disney

Lazarus

Minnie Pearl

Your turn...

I've Said it Before, and I'll Say it AGAIN

Heidi Miller is the best sister any girl could ask for!

I spent a ton of time this weekend thinking about my Mom, and missing simpler days. I wish I could remember what it was like before it changed. I wish for a second I could feel the way I did before all the safety nets dropped out. And then some truly great memories settled over me...

I'm at a picnic with my cousins around the block from my house. We walked there because we could, and we enjoy just being together.

I'm in my Mother's bed on a stormy night. Just us. She lets me borrow her flannel night gown.

I'm in the kitchen with my sister learning to make pancakes. We are laughing so hard at nothing.

I'm in Disney World with Katie. We share secrets in the pool.

I'm on the Harley with my father. He felt close then.

I'm in TN with my Mom. An unplanned vacation.

Finding Nemo in the rain with Heidi. My best day ever!

Isn't it odd how some of your greatest memories have everything to do with the ordinary? I had another experience like that yesterday. My sister fixed my broken bits just by making time for me. I will remember our time spent for the rest of my life. Just like "drive careful" or "PEPPER" have become part of my smile, every time I get the privilege of time with my sister I am altered slightly. Changed for the better I think.

A Prayer for all my "Mothers"

God,

Thank you for these women. Thank you for bringing them to me at different times, in different ways, and at exactly the right moments. Keep them strong. Protect their hearts. Show them each day how valuable they are.

Amen

Happy Mother's Day!

Being a Fairy Princess is a Full Time Job.

Overall there are really only a handful of things I don't like about being a Fairy Princess. It's not that bad once you get the hang of it!



PROs:

I don't have to clean my own house

I've never done laundry

I'm rarely alone

I meet all kinds of people

The parking is FABULOUS

I rarely wait in lines

I don't have to cook

I get the best seats at concerts and plays

I never get tired while walking to work

The wheelchair is ULTRA FABULOUS

It filters out most of the jerks in the dating pool

I'm a living example of human need for community

CONs:

I can't style my hair how I like it

I've never walked on a beach

I'm rarely alone

I'm physically vulnerable a lot

People expect me to be "slow"

My dating pool is more like a puddle

I have to rely on others to make my life work

Stairs are a bitch and they're everywhere

I can never just go and do on my own

I wouldn't change my life even if I could. I know that Fairy Princesshood is not some proof that God forgot me. I've seen over and over how this one minor inconvenience (not walking) has been used for a purpose. It's almost like my whole life teaches people "If I can do all this, what CAN'T you do?" I guess the one thing that really upsets me is people who's limitations are pretty much all of their own making.

I Just Don't "Get It"

I've noticed an odd trend lately, and I find it disheartening. Why do so many "Christians" seem to be snubbing their nose at their own faith?

Don't misunderstand me. I'm the first to point out the flaws in organized religion. In fact I'm pretty sure we break God's heart daily by misrepresentation. But, when did it become trendy to reject all things associated with Him? I've decided that whole "in the world, but not of the world" thing is getting blurred. We criticism everything without any real effort to fix ANYTHING. I for one find it exhausting. Anytime perfection is processed by imperfection it is bound to taint things. That is why Christianity (or any other religion) gets so messed up sometimes. But the truth at the core never changes. So why are we seeing such inner turmoil? Have we become spoiled? I know several people in my age bracket who grew up during the BOOM of Willow Creek. We were in the "mega church" before it was mega. And now there is disconnect. They seem gravitate towards new startup organizations not realizing that one day (sooner than they know) the startup church will out grow it's grass roots and find itself in the same boat as the rest of the mega churches. No one starts a church in hopes of world domination. Despite popular belief... The core heart of "The Church" is driven by loving God and serving His people as a community. Of course "The Church" is not one building, or organization. It's you, and me. We're the "Bride of Christ".
So why all the grumbling? It is not a reflection on God when we see scandal, hatred, injustice, or oppression within the Christian community. That is just humanity failing at living up to our potential. It's like saying "God is hateful" when an abortion clinic is blown up by fanatics. God never commanded that course of action. Yet somehow we hold God responsible for these atrocities. Seems rather unfair... Personally, I think we'd do better to get off of our lazy complacent asses and actually take part in changing the things we don't like. What would that look like I wonder? If everyone saw what was lacking, and stepped in to cause change... I bet that might actually get something done.

Sorry for the rant. I just had to get that off my chest.

So Unsexy

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly

One small sideways look and I feel so ungood

Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make

Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me

One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked

How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily

I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful

So unloved for someone so fine

I can feel so boring for someone so interesting

So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me

One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated

Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me

Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?

When will I stop deserting baby?

When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me

I jump my ship as I take it personally

Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly

The moment I decide not to abandon me

ALANIS MORISSETTE

Dear God,

I know you are there. My faith is not shaken. Yet, I have to be honest with you. Sometimes it feels like you are not close by. You promise never to leave us and for that I'm so thankful. But things are so dark. I am having trouble making out your face in all this. Are you here with me now? Are you watching this happen? Does it break your heart when we fall? I wish I could hear your voice like a clap of thunder instead of a still small voice. I wish I could see you swoop in and fix all that we've messed up. I don't expect answers, or even sympathy. I will simply be still and know that you are God. I will wait patiently for your intervention. I love you Lord. Even when it's painful, I trust you.

Your Loving Daughter,

Amanda Annette

Rippling Waters...

You know what I love most about my mother? She left a mark on literally every person she encountered. Even now, almost 9 years after she passed, people still come up to me and mention how she effected them. I want to be that kind of person. What will my legacy be really?

I've had a tremendous response so far in my fundraising efforts. Thank you all who have participated. It's inspiring to me to see how one person can make a difference. No, I haven't solved world hunger, aids, cancer, or violence among men, but in my little corner of the earth, I'm helping. Imagine what could be accomplished if everyone contributed just a little bit. I honestly believe we could change the world.

I might sound naive to some people. I can accept that. I just know that it's possible to be part of something bigger than myself. 2,000 years ago, one man changed the world forever. It would be so easy to say "sure HE did it, HE was GOD", but the truth is, He invites us to follow His example. He gave us the power to move mountains! I'm just getting my arms around that idea. I'll start small. I'll start with the YMCA.

Where will you start?

What an EXCELLENT Birthday!

I couldn't have asked for a nicer birthday!

Heidi took me to her salon on saturday and treated me to a full day's beauty. I got my hair colored, a facial, THE WORKS! Heidi really knows how to make a girl feel special.
Marie met up with us and we went to a movie. Then it was on to shopping! After we wore ourselves out, we closed our day with dinner at my favorite resturant Cracker Barrel. YUMMMMM. It was so nice just being out with my friends. I couldn't have planned a better day.
Yesterday was my actual birthday. I was spoiled beyond words. Breakfast with Aunt Joey & Uncle Mike. Dinner with my Dad... All a ton of fun. I'm a very lucky girl.
Over this past weekend, I received cards, calls, emails, songs, pillows, diamonds, pampering, make up, pj's, flowers, books, chocolate, movies, clothes, a digital camera, and mess free finger paint. I ask you, what did I ever do to deserve such awesome friends? Thank you all for making my birthday great....

Friends, Faith, and Chocolate Chip Pancakes...

I had a great discussion with Jessy last night. We talked for almost 2 hours about heaven and hell and Jesus, and the amazing gift of grace. She's lead a very different life than I have. Yet, at our core we are the same. It just amazes me how God has thrown us together. I ended the evening feeling alive and loved, but most importantly, I felt needed. It's so good to feel your value in someone else's life. I'm truly a blessed girl.
I'm spending this weekend with friends. I turn 26 on Sunday, and the weekend is filling up with all kinds of fun activities. Heidi is stealing me on Saturday. I have no clue what she has planned. Personally, I just like the idea of hanging out with my big sister. Sunday, Aunt Joey is coming to my house for breakfast. Knowing how we are, it could be something normal like pancakes and eggs, or it may lean towards the more bizarre style breakfast (Cheetos, melon, and artichoke hearts?). When we get together, you never can guess what might happen. I love stuff like that.
Life has been spinning at a faster rate of speed for me lately. I'm just glad to have a quiet moment, a cup of starbucks coffee, and a chance to share my thoughts.

If You Want Something Done...Do it YOURSELF!

Hi all,

Today I'm embarking on a new mission. As the weather gets warmer I find myself anxious to try new things. I started looking into my local swimming pools. I've always loved swimming and for me it is an excellent way to exercise and unwind. So far the most affordable location is the nearby Crystal Lake YMCA. After calling them and explaining my situation, they have agreed to let me use their pool at a very reasonable price, and have also given my assistant free access when she accompanies me. THIS IS GREAT right?

All except the minor problem of them not having a lift access into there pool. BIG PROBLEM!

I looked all over the internet for reasonably priced portable water lifts and I think I've found the best deal... All that remains now is to raise a small amount of money in order to benefit my entire community. I have spoken with the aquatics director for the local YMCA and in order to obtain a pool lift, one must be purchased and donated.

If you, or anyone you know might be interested in helping me raise the $5,000.00 needed to purchase
this lift, please feel free to contact me.

You can also mail in a contribution:

A. Peszat
4305 W. Shamrock Ln Apt 1G
McHenry, IL 60050

Check/money orders payable to: Amanda Peszat (YMCA Lift Fund)

Thanks everyone for your help and support. I know far more people than just myself will benefit from your generosity.

Sincerely,
Amanda

Seriously, How Cute is this DOG?

I've yet to meet one sweeter...

Timmy!

Anyone who has read this blog at all knows that I often take a time out here to highlight my fabulous friends and family. Today I definitely feel the need to shine the spotlight on my friend Becca. Truly God had a plan when He moved this girl to McHenry...
I've known Becca and her husband Mike for a while now, but we only really became close friends this past fall. In fact, the week I got Diva, Mike and Becca were the amazing couple who agreed to baby sit while I went to the women's retreat with Willow Creek. I have been blessed by these new friends.
Yet, it goes so much deeper than beers on the train and occasional "puppy sitting". Becca has become one of those people. You know the ones. After you meet them, it's impossible to imagine doing life without them. She would, and has, given me the clothes off her back. She "gets me" like few people I know. She loves the strangest things about me (My typing stick, bathroom time...). She even gets excited when I ask her for help! Here I am feeling stressed about asking for help, and she's just thrilled to jump in. She even thanked me once for letting her give me a shower. Can you imagine!?!?
This weekend I did something I rarely do. I allowed hurtful words to effect my heart and I then proceeded to have a mini meltdown. I originally called Becca to commiserate on how stupid and hurtful people can be. Once I started crying she jumped in her car and headed straight over. Of course, being a truly great friend, she stopped first to steal flowers for me from her neighbor's yard. =) They are sitting in my living room now to remind me that I'm loved. Does everyone get friends like this? I dearly hope so... Love ya Becca B. I'm so glad to know you!

Easter....

I love everything about Easter. It's my absolute favorite holiday. I like having an excuse to gather with my whole family. I love spending time with the people who matter most. It always feels like a fresh beginning at Easter. God set things right with the world, and I'm invited to do the same in my own life. I feel real hope at this time of the year. It's as if my spirits lift for a time, and I'm reminded of all that is possible.
I am a child of God! Does that blow anyone else's mind?!?! Easter is like a royal ball were every Prince, and Princess gathers to celebrate the KING! What must that party look like from heaven? I can't wait to see it first hand! I wish you all joy this Easter. I wish each person who reads this peace that passes understanding. May we remember that through Him, we are made ROYALTY. Let's embrace our fresh start, and do something remarkable with our lives.

God Bless!

Poor, Poor Puppies....

Yes, Diva is wearing a ring as a bracelet. How great is she?

Isn't Bagel cute? I love how smiley she is!

The Puppies are getting "fixed" tomorrow. I for one, am not handling this very well. I know Diva will be in good hands at Auntie Heidi's house, but this is the first time we've been apart since that first weekend I got her. It's hard to imagine my house without her. I like having her curled up next to me at night. I like how happy she is to pick me up at the train. I get her back from Heidi on Friday night or Saturday morning. I'm blessed to have such a sweet sister to look after my little girlie. I just can't wait to have her home again safe and sound.

The Thing About My Sister....

I've been thinking this week about all the amazing young ladies who have shaped me so far. Steph, Kim, Katie, Jen, Kristin, Laurie, Molly, Marie, Beth, Becca... The list is literally too long to post in it's entirety. As I think of the timeline of my life, I realize that God has placed all of these people in my world for a season in order to teach me something. I'm so very blessed by these people.

Yet the thing about my sister is that she's been there since day one. She never falters in her love for me. She supports me even when she doesn't agree with my choice. She protects me with the instincts of a mama bear. She's my best friend. She's my heart. I can't tell you how pleased I am to call her my Big Sister!

Sometimes The Songs Speak For Us...

AMEN
By: Jewel

You're mothers' child
But night lays you down
Hair aflame, wild look in your eyes
Naked belly to the ground

A forest fire
Nibbles at your veins
Crawls up your arm
Runs away with your mind
And burns dry thoughts like leaves

Amen

Eyes stare up
But something's in the way
In the Bible only angels have wings
And the rest must wait to be saved

A dry tongue
Screams at the sky
But the wind just breathes words in
As a strange bird tries to fly

Amen

Pieces of us die everyday
As though our flesh were hell
Such injustice, as children we are told
That from God we fell

Where are my angels
Where's my golden one
Where's my hope now that my heroes have gone

Some are being beaten
Some are being born

And some can't tell the difference anymore

Amen

Hallelujah
Hallelujah

My Second Family...

My heart hurts this week for the Pelka's... They are like a second family to me, and I don't know what I would do without them. Aunt Karen's Father has passed, and I wish I could take that pain away. Losing a parent is impossible to describe. If you've experienced it yourself, then you know what I mean. If not, you should thank God daily for that blessing.
I wish I could be there for the Pelka's the way they have always been there for me. I wish I could hug them all.

Unnecessary...

All this pain is just so unnecessary. All of it seems utterly senseless. It feels like we're being tested. It's a challenge that asks the question "how much shit can you take before you pop?" I'm so done being the test subject. My whole family is being damaged, and I'm helpless to stop any of it. If I had my way things would be so different...

Wellness would come in a chocolate coated pill. Babies would be given to the most deserving first. Bodies would not be eaten away by illness. We'd all go home in chariots like Elijah. Families would be unbreakable. Love would always win. Fear would be cast out. Death could take a hike, and suicide would not ever be on the list of available options.

It's more than just Laurie that started this chain of events. But her choice certainly added the largest heap to the pile. I used to think that suffering on earth was for seasons at a time. For example: My mother died horribly before my eyes and I thought I would never be well again. My life changed dramatically, but it all turned into good eventually. This stuff that is breaking now does not feel the same. It's like we've entered a place so tragic, we may never fully dig our way out. That's our legacy now. We're that broken family that always holds to our faith.

My faith is not shaken. However, my sense of peace is blown to bits. I have no reassurance that things will ever improve here on earth. I'm just so thankful that one day I get to go home. The task now is to live my life well without adding anymore drama to the lives of the people around me.

Live From Chicago...

Well all, I'm back to work at last. Strange to try fitting back into this old routine. We'll see how long this lasts...

Puppy Love...

In light of how horrible this week has been, I've decided to post something that brings a smile to my face. So here is a fresh picture of me and Diva Starbucks. Aren't we the cutest!?!

This Week...

I have given a lot of thought to how this week should feel. All year we've silently counted down to the one year mark. So much has happened in so few days. 365. That's all it takes to travel from there to here.

Today I'm sitting in front of my new computer typing out my thoughts as my 7 month old puppy hops around at my feet. She makes me so happy, I can't imagine not having her with me.
Tomorrow, I return to my doctor's office. With any luck, he'll release me back to work. It will be good I think.
Wednesday, I've been asked to return to Gateway College as a guest speaker. I love these times and always look forward to being used for these purposes.

And then there is Thursday.....

I can't believe we're here. I can't believe how readily my heart opens up to pour out the old sting. The pain of losing my beautiful Laurie feels hot, and fresh this week. The heaviness of it cuts off air in my lungs. I've decided to allow it to wound me just this once. I'll take all the pain. I'll feel it full force and then let it slip free. I need the freedom that Laurie herself has. I need the freedom to move on.

There is This Woman I Know....

She absolutely defies all odds. When the going gets tough, she always gets tougher. When life seems to be spinning out of control, she finds the grace to let go and let God take the reigns. She exemplifies faithfulness. No matter how rough things get, she finds time for the important things. The demands on her time and resources are HUGE, but still she gives tirelessly of herself.
My Aunt Barb does not seek out praise from others. In a thousand tiny ways a day she serves with no thought of thanks. Today she made time for me in the middle of caring for three small children, and running errands. I am blessed. She loves me. Even on days when it would be easier to pull the covers over her head and shut out the world, this woman rises to every challenge. I have yet to see one instance where my Mom's Big Sister has not given 110%!
If I am lucky, many years from now, it will be said that I am like the great women who were before me. People like my Mother, and my Aunt Barb.

25 Years And Counting...

Recently, I find my self reflecting on the days of my childhood. I love being an adult, but It's odd to think how far I've come. It may seem odd when I say this, but I never felt disabled growing up. My childhood was filled with love, laughter, and amazing support. In fact, my first exposure to the vulnerability of my situation came at the age of 17. My mother passed away suddenly, and for the first time ever, I was helpless. For anyone who knows me, you know how much a truly hate relinquishing control. As much as this whole experience damaged me, it also made me stronger. Knowing what you are made of really helps when heartbreak strikes. My closest friends have always been family. My cousins were more like sisters. We would spend full weeks together in the summer. We were the ones who knew every secret thing about each other. The best part about family like mine was that you always had someone to hold you when things turned ugly. We've been through more rough patches than most, but up until recently we've always relied on one another. My heart burns when I think about how distant that security feels now. We're in it each alone now it seems. We have to navigate our lives without safety nets. I pray we each survive. When I was younger I believed without question. God was seen in simple, childlike ways. I know several people who were disillusioned as they matured. It's as if the curtain was pulled back on their faith, revealing "the great and powerful oz" to be a mere little old man. This has not been the case with me. Yes, I went through a period of rebellion and doubt, but as I grew older, my connection to faith has strengthened. Each time I dig deeper, I unearth a new level of truth in Jesus. It's so much more than "Jesus Loves Me", and yet it's still just that simple. Jesus does love me. The Bible DOES tell me so! More importantly, He wants to know me. Life is short and painful, and amazing. Praise God for never asking us to do it alone! I could feel cheated, or wounded if I look back on what has changed over the last 25 years. Yet strangely enough, that's not how I see it. I miss my mom, but I'll see her again. I miss having a close relationship with my cousins, but at least I'm not alone. I still have a fantastic family. I'm just learning to rely less on others. But, most importantly, I'm relying on Him who strengthens me. I can't wait to see what He has in store next!